I'm glad you read the dictionary and learned about this river. I found this poem on Read & Review.
From the beginning I liked the imagery of night drifting softly over the fields. The dawn sparks the feelings of love. The second stanza sounds very romantic. This feeling continues into the 3rd stanza, where the reader begins to feel this is a memory of a lost love, as in "bygone". One of those times that is pleasant to remember years later.
Excellent job. I enjoyed it.
Wow. Great story. I've never been a sports fan, except for local little league or school kids that I know. Those games are more personal. I didn't recognize any of the names you gave. But I found myself wanting to go watch a game! Maybe I'll catch the local pro team this summer.
No technical difficulties here. You did an excellent job recounting the game and a little history with it. The analogy of joy and victory was wonderful.It made me feel good to read it.
Hi,
This came up in Read & Review. It is a pleasant little poem with lots of imagery.
The very first stanza is a truth that yells "arthritis pain" to those of us who know about broken bones. That memory certainly never fades.
The sound of a leaf crunching underfoot elicits another sense, Sounds are often meaningful and can trigger memories. Even though the sound on one level might have a pleasant or comfortable feel to it, the memory it triggers could be sad or painful. The last stanza expounds on that thought like the arthritis in the bones. You have conjured up the imagination and stirred emotions.
I'd say you did very well. I have no complaints or suggestions. Good job!
Very pleasant poem. Well done. I like tea, especially iced, but then I'm a Southerner, Hot tea is comforting. I have never found any sleep inducing tea that actually works, You did a nice job. It makes me want to fix a cup now.
Best wishes to you.
Oh, what a difficult topic to handle. So much emotion, so much balance to maintain. A person has to preserve himself while handling the dying with love and care.
You do a very nice job of conveying a single moment that carries so much pressure. The very last line is my favorite.
Oh, how cute! Who would have thought of writing from a baby's point of view? Well, you did. Very creative and original.
I'm not sure babies would know numbers as opposed to the sound of names, but you got the point across. It reminded me of babies or toddlers I've seen chasing adults from room to room or being chased.
I found no errors or technical problems. You expressed yourself well and told a delightful story.
Hi. Old lady here reading your poem. First, don't apologize for your writing. Always believe that you're getting better, you know--practicing.
Your piece assumes a lot of responsibility for other people's happiness. The poet needs to look out for herself, which this writing attempts to do. We all need to express ourselves somewhere to someone. This piece is a step in the right direction of personal growth. Some of us go our whole lives and don't vent as well as you have done here. It shows a lot of insight and understanding of relationship dynamics.
Your writing is good. Keep at it until you reach a level that satisfies you. You are your most important critic.
Good luck with your firends. They don't know how lucky they are to have you.
Found this on Read & Review. How horrifying! And so believable. Was this a true-life experience or fiction? Everything in your story rings true.
And the apathy of others also rings true. I lived in a town where a robber beat up the cashier and took the money while customers ran out of the store with their goods in their hands. No one came to her defense. They could have picked up something and thrown it at him!
I find no details to critique; spelling, punctuation, and so forth are all good. You told a spellbinding story. Well done.
From Read & Review.
My favorite part is the line "dragging its gold-spun robes".
For the most part, it is a gentle, slow image. The part about the stars showing their teeth seems kind of stark by contrast to the softness of the day changing into evening.
Overall, you do a nice job of capturing the feel of day fading, my favorite time of day, watching the shadows lengthen.
Lovely sentiment, rings so true. You did a nice job centering it, so that it looks good. The rhyme works very well for you. A lot of people will see their own fathers in this poem.
I do think there is one misspelling. "tattered sole" - you probably meant "soul".
All in all, I enjoyed it. I think you did a terrific job.
Best wishes,
Pumpkin.
Found this on Read and Review.
Wonderful expression of love, great tribute. If this were a spoken prayer, it would be lovely. In written form, we see punctuation and verb tense. So, I do have some technical suggestions.
In the second paragraph, put a period behind presence. The next word starts a new thought, so there becomes "There"... I am guessing that the end of that paragraph is just a typo. Do just one period after being. "The" would come before power. You might even want to start that paragraph with "May" signifying this is a written prayer. The first two lines seem like statements, not praying. At this point, it is definitely a prayer. Otherwise, it is a long run-on sentence.
The Yes line is a beautiful affirmation of your love for this woman and still a part of the prayer.
Only one period after existence and love. Put a comma in front of Dearest Mama, since that is normal when you address a specific person. Try work instead of works. (Let the Holy Spirit work in me)
The last two lines are good as is.
Thank you for sharing your heartfelt emotion. She was blessed to have you.
From Read & Review.
Great story. What clues us in before we get to the ending is the word "actually" in describing her crying on the phone. That is a little inside hint by the writer.
Perfect grammar and punctuation. Well done. I enjoyed reading it.
Hi,
I have read several of your pieces. You are very expressive and reveal yourself.
In this particular article, your punctuation needs a little tuning up. A question mark [?] is needed after place. In the first line, I would put a comma in between long and trying. In the next to last line, make the y in you a capital: You hold. No s on the end of hold. Either a comma or a period needs to go after the word soon. Make so in the last line So.
It would help if you used the capital I instead of the small i everywhere that you refer to yourself. Remember you are important, so think Big I.
Say "I have been" or "I've been" instead of just "I been" lonely. The same thing before "searching".
I get the feeling that English is not your primary language. If it isn't, you are doing well.
You have written a lovely article. Your man is very blessed to have you. Best wishes to you and keep writing!
From R & R: This was a lovely story. At first I thought the grandfather was writing the story in the third person. Then I realized it was from someone else's point of view. Even though I predicted the ending, I still teared up as I read it. If this was a true story, how wonderful to involve the girls in their grandfather's life. They also learned not to be afraid of hospitals.
Great story. I see no flaws or weaknesses. Well done.
What a great name for a dog! They do enjoy chasing small critters. I knew someone who only had to say the word "rabbit" and his boxer would get excited and bark.
You captured this well in your poem.Very enjoyable. No recommendations from me.
Thanks for sharing with us.
From Read & Review. Great story which seems to be the beginning of something bigger. Like will the detectives look at the note and see how the fire started?
Technically, your grammar and spelling are fine. So is punctuation. However, some words are repeated too frequently in this short piece. For instance, "rocks on the rocky coast"- maybe you could call it some other kind of coast. "Prep" is used several times in close proximity. The second one of them might be eliminated or changed to "it". Their names are repeated too soon. In one case, you could say "gathered around them". This is a small point, but many "good praises" stands out. Praises are always good; that word could be eliminated without hurting your meaning.
All in all, great story. Lots of potential there.
Best wishes.
Welcome to WDC. I am glad you shared this piece on the website. I don't want to discourage anyone. What I offer is only from a simple reader's point of view.
You picked a tough subject. Congrats for not being afraid to tackle it.
You are writing on two levels which can be complicated. The metaphor of farming falls apart after you discuss what the scythe is for. When harvesting, the grain doesn't join any egg. It will be processed and consumed. You may wish to throw in a word or phrase showing that you are departing solely into the human parallel. It sounds like reincarnation, but farm products don't really fit that. I applaud your dabbling in these thoughts and hope that you will clarify in further writings. I encourage you to do so.
Otherwise, your spelling and presentation are great. The last paragraph the beginning glares at me. You wouldn't write "You is born", so the "who" throws it off kilter. You might want to change to are instead of is.
You wrote a great article. Take everything here with a grain of salt. Anything you print, even a first draft, is up for scrutiny. We try to be gentle here.
Good luck.
From Read & Review. I see this is newly written. I like it. It is heavy with emotion and resonates with me. There are many good lines, like "a chair pulled back" and the "ledger I never meant to keep". They paint a good picture and allow the reader to identify with the feelings. The last two lines made me think of resentment in a new way. There is an element of grieving in built up resentment. You made it very clear.
Well done. No recommendations for change or editing.
From Read & Review. It has been over a decade since you posted this. There are no flaws. I have no suggestions for improvement either.
Very interesting story. A little surprise at the ending. Nicely done. You did a very good brief short story. Great descriptions.
This is an excellent learning website. I'm always looking something up. I discovered aspidistras are houseplants, native to Asia. Now the rest of the poem fits together. It's quite childlike, in a good way, silly but fun. I remember reading such poetry about 4th or 5th grade, but with simpler style and language. Very entertaining. Well done.
I haven't encountered the etheree form before. Sounds like a fun challenge. You did a nice job describing the natural world for kids from the city. It rings a kind of bell. My town has a group called Cultivate. It hires teenagers for the summer, probably minimum wage, gives them lunch and teaches them to grow things. They have to come from underprivileged homes. They have several field trips during their time to working farms to see what is involved. It's more about working with the earth and enjoying what they grow, not so much playing with it, as you describe. Both are wonderful ideas.
I did wonder about your title. Maybe your footnote could say that was the name of the Brazilian camp.
Keep sharing your inspiration.
From Read & Review. I love your affirmation of faith. How wonderful. I'm glad you find peace and comfort. I am pleased that I read your piece.
While content is great, I do have some punctuation comments. In the 3rd paragraph, I would put a comma after smile. Maybe another one should go after contribution.
I question the next paragraph. Do you really have faith in the goodness of Your own spirit, or do you mean God's spirit?
Leep telling your story. Best wishes.
Pumpkin
So sad. They are sacrificed for such a short period of joy. Most of them are grown in farms with the intent to live a short life. Your poem does them justice and marks the moment well.
Nicely done. No flaws, no suggestions. Enjoyable poem.
I like your poem. I am from a different generation, but it still sounds good to me. I think you did an excellent job. It sounds carefree and attractive, if non-committal. Well done. No suggestions for changes.
Found your newly written poem on Read & Review. It was sort of fun for those who like The Grinch. It was playful and happy and bouncy like children's poems often are.
It was very condensed and resolved very quickly. The reader can't help but feel he had a turnaround too fast. We all know what happened with the Christmas version so there is no surprise.
Technically, it was well done for the most part. The second line was a bit too long to be smooth. In the last two lines, rhyming "absurd" with "dessert" didn't really fit, since the rest of it was so good. The bulk of it flowed quite nicely.
Very well done. An easy read. Good for kids, too.
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