Okay... Wow. Very heavy scene. When I first started reading your book, I thought it would be a fun 'good witch' story. But you are clearly not afraid of some intensity. Excellent.
My favorite line: An ice cream carton yielded some frozen assets.
Suggestion: The line "The guard dog of the house found him and let out a single bark he was clearly unprepared for" gives more information than a television announcer would know, which was a distraction. Also, it ends in a preposition. Television editors are pretty good about not doing that.
I very much liked how the spell from the last chapter was both subtle and overwhelming. It didn't create a fiction to help Shirley, but instead it worked against the fiction that Althea was attempting to make and allowed truth to win the day. And it left no clue that it had ever existed for Althea to find. That is well-crafted magic.
Ranjit seems to know what Shirley is. I'm interested to find out more about him. Another good chapter.
Interesting story of political machinations. I am interested in what modifications you made on 01 March in light of recent world events. Your main character staying true to his beliefs at great cost to himself puts him in the 'hero' category.
My favorite line: "It was not black, but a particularly aggressive shade of magenta..." Describing magenta as 'particularly aggressive' struck home.
The description of the purpose of each ingredient and each cat gave the scene believability and created an interest in what is coming in the next chapter.
One thing you may wish to check is that I believe you have previously described Mrs. Catchpole's reticence to retire in a similar manner before. If my recollection is correct (no guarantee at my age), then you may not need it again here.
Excellent chapter, and I am looking forward to the next one.
Well written and very intense. The scene where he went into the office and found his file might use a little filler (such as searching for something and finding the file). The pace for that scene seemed a little too quick.
Leaving the question of his spiritual father unanswered and vague at the end is excellent. It made the ending even stronger.
I read a comic book when I was young about an alien race that had incinerated Earth and been surprised that there were survivors. The story stuck with me because of the ending. The main character (one of the survivors) ended the story saying, "The fires that destroyed our home also burned away the stakes that had been through our hearts." I read that 50+ years ago and still remember it. The concept you ended with, where the procedure had removed his guilt and allowed him to focus on his blood lust, had the same feel.
A hectic and hilarious chapter after Gerald's corpse burning in the previous.
From the curmudgeon perspective, Shirley feeding people cannabis-laced confections without their knowledge makes her not quite the hero of this chapter. I like seeing a darker side to her.
I enjoy day-in-the-life chapters that reveal what the characters' lives are like in the course of their normal daily duties. While the Ofsted inspection is not a daily occurrence, it is still a normal part of a school's life. You did an excellent job of showing the interaction of the teachers and administrators with the inspectors and created a chapter that sets the stage for the impact of this inspection on the overall plot.
Also, the reader knows that a body was found, and here we are, and nothing is mentioned of it. This ratchets up the suspense regarding what happened on that score.
One small note: There is no need to define SENCO twice.
Now we get to wonder what Geoff found out and how. It was good to see Shirley doing something traditionally 'witchy', but when she climbed her broom, I expected her to go somewhere that would move the plot.
"Shirley knew there was no such thing as a white witch" is a great line. Then one of Shirley's spells gets away from her. Then, the chapter ends with Shirley angry at Althea and targeting her with a negative spell. You have set the stage for a dark turn.
I am really liking the mystery subplot surrounding the letter.
Did you deviate from your previous formula, where Shirley works on the spell at the beginning of the chapter, and we see the results of the spell at the end? I don't see her creating a spell that catches the school in fire... or does it take the letter?
You have me guessing and wondering, which are both good.
Very fun chapter. Lots of gags and smiles. You moved the plot forward with Miss Pink and the last paragraph. Nicely done and I had fun reading it. I am waiting to see if 'A. Gardner' is 'Alex Gardner' and where that is all going. The pace is good.
This is the big chapter I have been waiting for! Shirley uses magic and fights back.
Your paragraph:
"Now, for those of you with arachnophobia (an irrational fear of spiders), you might feel a pang of sympathy for Althea. Don't. Althea is a Jekyll and Hyde character who has taken pleasure in distressing the staff. Her inconsistency, charming and complimentary one day, critical and stormy the next, made her a true terror."
is not really necessary. You have done an excellent job of letting us see who and what Althea is. I did not feel sorry for her in the slightest. Excellent and very fun chapter.
Leon Kitfox is a good character. I like that he is neither the super agent nor the rogue agent that breaks all of the rules. He is a competent agent that seems to have a reputation for getting a little sidetracked.
You've set up a missing time mystery with a suspect who was apparently at the scene of the crime. You have also established what might be an international conspiracy. The threads are all in place. It is now a matter of pulling them together.
I liked Mrs. Darnall pushing back on Leon's demand for personnel information until he explained what he was looking for. Then again, I probably liked it since I was arrested once for something I didn't do. I have a bit of a distrust of law enforcement.
The organizational structure between Harvey Dixon and Kevin Kreiger is a little confusing.
Fun story. I enjoyed reading it. Lou Ryan does the hard-boiled detective bit well.
There are several commonly used noir words for women such as tomato, twist, frail, jane, broad, doll, frill or gal. Or, a dish, doll, doll face, skirt, or looker is an attractive woman. You might use one of these or others to get some change-up from using the word 'dame' so much. Just a thought.
Your prose is excellent and the story is great. I enjoyed reading it.
The only thing that made me stop and pulled me out of the action was when you referred to the Scottish Terrier as being filled with terror and aggression. The word 'aggression' makes me picture an animal bearing its fangs and straining at the tether, trying to attack.
Then the story states that Beverly used her magnifying glass to look at the initials on the dog's collar. That would require the dog to be relatively still and allow her to come close.
I think it would fit your intent more if you replaced the word 'aggression' with something like 'acquiescence' or some word that implies that the dog is on the ground and quivering.
I love noir, and this is done well. A collection of stories like this would make a fun book that someone could pick up whenever they had a few minutes. I'm not saying a 'bathroom' book, but I mean a bathroom book.
The pacing is excellent, Detective Jackson Graves is hard-boiled, and the resolution is satisfying.
I very much like how human Montag is. He meets up with a woman at a bar, and they end up trading existential crises. He goes home alone. Then, when confronted with the intruder, he makes one sarcastic response, but then reels when confronted with the fact that the intruder knows his family.
You have laid the groundwork for a lot of backstory here.
It worked; you have my interest. Due to its length and introductory nature, you might consider calling it a prologue rather than Chapter One. But some people hate prologues, so that is your call.
When Jack asked at the beginning, "Is it a scary scarecrow?" I thought he and Sarah were children, but then she buried herself in his "manly chest and arms," and I knew they were adults. Something as simple as saying "He said, jokingly" after the "scary scarecrow" question might have helped me.
Mentioning Jim only once and letting me know that there is a whole story there to tell in the future was excellent.
You and I share the issue that we tend to add extra words. I have to edit myself when I write. An example is "No, it is all too popular with the birds." The word 'all' there feels a little stilted. And, since she is speaking, a contraction such as it's instead of 'it is' might make it seem more natural.
Another example is "I have often wondered why the farmer sticks with it." It might flow better as "I often wonder why the farmer sticks with it." Avoid the verb tense that includes the 'have' whenever you can. It usually weakens the prose.
The part about the bone hitting Jack in the back was fantastic! Everything you had written to that point was in the form of a romance novel, and suddenly, you drop a strong mystery on us.
All in all, my comments are minor and ticky-tacky. You have a great start to a story here. Definitely five stars.
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