Wow! . We recently lost a bunch of skiers to a massive avalanche... this really sits hard... I would like to imagine that those nine skiers last thoughts were of the euphoric type, thinking they were in Maui surfing in the glorious sun... Good short... Jacque
Wow! Really good opening! I had to slow down my reading in the beginning with the technical info dump (not that it wasn't necessary). Your opening captured my attention as soon as they landed and began their movement. Really good writing, you keep the action moving quickly and the ending left me wondering, 'what the heck'... Nice job enjoyed the read. Jacque
Emberly, what a beautifully written piece. I reads and flows so smoothly... Nice analogy of what it takes to gain that elusive piece of comfort and piece. Thank you for sharing it. Jacque
What a good, well written short story! I really enjoyed reading it. You handled the story line, switching between characters well. You brought me immediately into the story, with Rose's growing concern over her father being land locked on Mars during a storm. Showing Marcus stuck and how he managed to get himself free only to find he had been left for dead. The fear of the classroom, and then Rose being told her dad was dead... going back to showing how Marcus thinks of a method to get himself back to the habitat I thought was clever. And it ended with a touch of humour with the guard who said he was supposed to be dead. To the ending phone call.... Nicely done!
Wow... I think, for many, this reflects the emotional conflict kids struggle with as they learn to navigate the pitfalls of being a teenager. For some, the transition is easy, they welcome, even strive for recognition/attention. Then there are those, the thinker's, the feeler's that hang back in the shadows, wary of the noise and activity surrounding them. I think often, this is what brings the bullying about, the quiet pleasers seem to be prime targets... they don't want attention, so they flee inwardly and the pain ferments... your piece is as unbelievably sad as I feel it accurate to what happens. I had my granddaughter read this, she's a sophomore, she was as moved as I. I hope, if this is about your inner feelings, you reach an understanding that you only need to please one person, you. Do you as my granddaughter would say. If you are being bullied, bring attention to it and get help. Life can be wonderful if you allow it and don't absorb the negative around you... focus away from it as much as possible. Great piece... raises alot of inner thoughts. Thank you
Emberly, that's powerful and beautiful! The vulnerability and need for reassurance comes across beautifully, and tearfully for this reviewer... Once I was there shadowed in doubt... Really touched me, nicely done. Jacque
Good morning Dan, just finished reading your very interesting story. Wow, twisted ending... left me to interpret what I think your ending meant... (personally I liked my take) Not being considered a professional writer, I can merely review your piece on how it reads for me. So take any comment with a grain of salt.
You write really well. Your story had a great flow to it, and high points for descriptive text! There were a few places that I got a little lost or failed to catch your intent. I'll show a couple of them for reference.
“I cut a stout blackthorn and such. Know what I mean?” (another that I just couldn't quite get. But I think maybe the confusion/disconnect might be intended)
“I knew a guy who—” used to say that came out in slow motion, and I could suddenly see my breath." This line just didn't make sense to me...
You did a good job of setting up the mindset of the POV. His feeling of inadequacy and sense of failure. After the shooting you take us along for the ride and thought process the perpetrator goes through as he winds up in the dilapidated roadside motel. Enter his delusions... an interesting bit of conversation and recognition follows... until... he's back in his driveway staring at his wife waving back through their front room window. Quite the finish! Nice job, I really enjoyed it!
Good morning Joseph, I'm trying to get some reviews done while I drink my morning coffee. Your story is quite good! You build the tension well and carry it tightly through the end. Great imaginative story...
I saw no fixes, maybe I was to engrossed with that darn mirror... Thank you for the great read. Jacque
Good morning Happy. Cute short story! I think that it might help you to run an edit check on your pieces before you post them. In this case spelling, grammar and sentence structure need editing. We all learn by trying and learning as we go. Jacque
Good morning! It's early here in my little spot in the world, rain thrashing against my window pane... perfect setting for a few quick reads as I sip my coffee 'with respect'. I enjoyed your story; a cute concept!
I caught one minor fix. "she had observed that his brother..." SB her brother
A nit-pik: The line; "To this practical-minded boy, that reason was to receive with one ear and bid goodbye to it with the other ear!" I think should end with 'the other! (I have been schooled so often on this)
Your story moves along with an easy flow, very readable for this novice eye. Jacque
Hi Corin, I enjoyed reading your draft. Great finish, made me smile. I tripped up in placement. Isaac appeared to be in a space ship... referring to Jaya "came in with a report". I didn't get the transition from 'in' to 'outside'. Maybe make that a bit clearer.
You set the made the mystery stronger when you showed that Isaac secretly recognized the neighborhood. His memory as a kid, seeing a figure "ghostly figure", ups the expectation that something is going to jump out at any moment as they canvas the house that he recognized as his childhood home.
The end is great... the kid in the bright blue windbreaker waving from below.
I surmise the strange metal ball he saw in the yard as a kid was the helmet he tossed on the ground before entering the house. But where did Peters put his helmet, was he carrying it as he swept through the house? A minor huh for me.
Good story, enjoyable to the end. Jacque
What a beautifully written story! I enjoyed reading it. Your descriptions of the forest and snow are beautiful. The only thing I saw that I thought needed a fix was the second to the last sentence. "a strange warmth in their chest..." should be her chest. That's it, I have no futher advice... Congratulations on what I consider an excellent piece. I will be watching for more from you. Jacque
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