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Review Style
The purpose of my reviews is always to be as helpful as possible. I can't promise that I'll like what you have written or that you'll like what I have to say, but I try to be respectful and encouraging as well as critical.
I'm good at...
Unless otherwise requested, I'm picky (grammar, cliches, and meter in poetry). Characters and writing style take a lot to impress me.
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Sci-fi (apocalypse, post-apocalypse, dystopian, zombie), mystery, war, inspirational, historical fiction, Christian, non-fiction, contemporary, drama, comedy
Favorite Item Types
Poetry, short stories, non-fiction, novels
I will not review...
Erotica, gay/lesbian, fan-fiction
Public Reviews
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151
151
Review of Day 6  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)

*RainbowL* I am reviewing your work as a student of the Rockin' Review Academy! *RainbowR*


Hi Appley_Goodness Author IconMail Icon! You posted your piece on "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. .

These comments are only my opinion, sharing my reactions, feelings and suggestions. I hope you find this honest review helpful and encouraging.

*Check* Title, etc.: "Day 6" Open in new Window. [E]. 'Day 6' is an appropriate name for the mood and form of the piece. For the brief description, however, I advise writing something more drawing.

*CheckR* Narrative & Dialogue: The words are natural and easy. I can imagine Jude leaning over her diary, absently penning these words.

The narrative is a little dry. I felt it was leading to something, but I never came to a point. I suggest putting some more explanations into it, i.e. Who is she writing about/to? What happened? Why is she in this mood? What sort of person is she?

Sometimes it was confusing and I was trying to pull loose ends together.

In the first two sentences, you repeat 'today'. This threw me for a moment. I advise swapping one of the today's for another word.

I particularly like how Jude signs off: 'This sailor is signing off, J'adore, J'taime'. That was masterfully done.

*Check* Form & Flow: The form is a diary entry. I am biased against diary entries for stories. I think they do better as a story or a poem. I suggest changing the form of this piece into a poem. It could become something beautiful.

*CheckG* Imagery & Emotion: You have done well in creating a certain mood. The reader relates to the emotion in the piece because we all have those moments when we just want to forget everything and 'drift off to a sea of nothingness'.

There has obviously been some heartbreak and/or hurt and Jude is trying to heal after it. The reader connects with this very easily. You have done very well here. *Star*

*CheckB* Suggestions & Typos: One apart from those already stated, which are:
         *Bird* Adjust the brief description.
         *Bird* Give the reader more clues about what happened without being obvious. Make him/her have only enough to remain curious, actively piecing together and thinking about it afterwards.
         *Bird* Smooth over the first two sentences.
         *Bird* I suggest changing the form to a poem.
and
         *Bird* You write: 'For the first time in a long time I feel like a brand new man.' – Is Jude a guy's name? Also, I'll just point out you wrote 'time' twice in the sentence, which makes for difficult reading.

*CheckV* Overall Thoughts & Rating: A diary entry written by a (girl?) who has been hurt and wants to just forget the world and live inside (her?) emotions.

This piece needs some fixing up and smoothing over. However, you have done well penning this entry.

I rate this *Star* *Star* *Star* *HalfStar* because, although it's a little patchy, you are off to a good start!

Thanks for sharing this piece. It was a pleasure to read. Keep up the great work!

~ Kasia
Fi Author IconMail Icon

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*



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152
152
Review of Without You  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

*ButterflyV* Hello from Showering Acts of Joy!!! *ButterflyB*

Hi Bonnie Author IconMail Icon! I found your piece through the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. . This review is only my opinion, sharing my reactions, feelings and suggestions. I hope you find this honest review helpful and encouraging.

*CheckR* Narrative & Dialogue: The words in this poem are chosen well and through them you have related to your reader a deep emotion. Good job! *ThumbsUp*

Often you repeat certain words in a verse which dulls the unique meanings of each, i.e. 'I was so loved so proud to be your wife'. I suggest running over the poem again and removing / replacing / adjusting these.

Lines I particularly like: 'By summer's end, We both had said I do.' – This is really original and excels 'we married'! However, this line was hard to read because of 'both had said'. I think 'had both said' would be smoother.
'One winter I was more on my own' – Clever way of introducing unfaithfulness.
'I knew in my heart-you had began to lie' – Masterfully introducing lies into the mix. Very well done!

*Check* Form & Flow: This is where I think your piece needs editing. The meter is often weak or lost altogether. The form is still rough-cut and needs a lot of working on. I advise reading through your piece two or three times and regathering the rhythm. You have a good start already and this poem can become something quite exceptional. Never despair!

*CheckG* Imagery & Emotion: You have masterfully and subtly – behind the beautiful imagery – brought time into the background so your reader can see the couple growing older and the seasons changing. Your imagery is fantastic!

The emotion is very deep and, although 'old' or 'unoriginal', the reader feels it deeply with a fresh look. – Clever! *Star*

*CheckB* Suggestions & Typos: Blow it, I'm going to 'go the whole hog' and go against the rules by pointing out all of the typos because I care for you and this poem.
         *Bird* I suggest editing your piece to smooth over the meter and
         *Bird* inserting periods, commas, semicolons, dashes, etc. where necessary to help the reader more.
         *Bird* 'When we first met- it was . . . pleading to God asking him -to make you see . . . bleating again- would you come . . .' – Insert spaces before and after dashes.
         *Bird* 'By summer's end, We both had said I do.' – 'We' shouldn't be capitalized. I advise changing it to '. . . had both said . . .'. 'I do' should have quotation marks. So: 'By summer's end, we had both said, "I do."'
         *Bird* 'Then, I began . . .' – Comma should be removed.
         *Bird* 'I knew in my heart-you had began to lie' – I advise removing the dash altogether, as it seems unnecessary.
         *Bird* 'You said you wanted/ needed to talk' and 'I hated her, I loved/hated you . . .' – I advise replacing the slashes with commas or dashes because they interrupt the flow. However, if you want to keep them, put a space before and after them to make for smooth reading.
         *Bird* 'Yet, I couldn't I left a lot unsaid' – This line was awkward to read. I suggest removing the comma after 'yet' and placing a dash after 'couldn't'. So: 'Yet I couldn't – I left a lot unsaid.'
         *Bird* 'This other woman - filled me with . . .' – The dash here is unnecessary. Perhaps just remove it altogether.
         *Bird* 'Re-united' is spelled without the dash.

*CheckV* Overall Thoughts & Rating: A deeply emotional poem about a wife's delight turning to anguish as her husband is unfaithful. Sadly true in many cases. In need of editing to fix up the meter but very well written! *Star*

I rate this *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* because I reckon this piece is well on its way to becoming great!

Thank you for sharing this poem with Writing.Com. It was a pleasure to read! Keep up the fabulous work!

~ Kasia
Fi Author IconMail Icon

*ButterflyV*Write On!*ButterflyB*



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153
153
Review of Father and Son  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*ButterflyV* Hello from Showering Acts of Joy!!! *ButterflyB*

Hi Sticktalker Author IconMail Icon! I found your piece on the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. . This review is only my opinion, sharing my reactions, feelings and suggestions. I hope you find this honest review helpful and encouraging.

*CheckR* Narrative & Dialogue: The words reflect the shortness of the piece – simple words, simple form, simple poem. This in turn reflects the simple message of the poem. I think you have done very well with this.

I didn't like the fourth verse as much as the others. 'Baby all the while' felt strange. 'All the while' is a wordy phrase which can be replaced simply with while'. It seemed as if that phrase had been inserted to fill in space, if you know what I mean.

I particularly like the first verse and the last line. I think they were very beautiful. *ThumbsUp*

*Check* Form & Flow: The poem flowed easily except, as previously mentioned, in the fourth verse.

To make the piece flow more, I suggest adding periods, commas, semicolons, etc. I understand this is tilted towards the free verse style, but I think by adding these the poem will have a smoother tone.

*CheckG* Imagery & Emotion: I love how in every line you have painted a picture of a lovely parent-baby relationship. The reliance of the baby on the parents is clearly related to the reader, and the sweet family bond holding them together is repeated throughout. In the final line you have showed how the family is closely held together and the baby is an important part. Brilliant! *Star*

*CheckB* Suggestions & Typos: None apart from those already stated, which are:
         *Bird* Consider adjusting or removing altogether the phrase in the fourth verse to make it flow more.
         *Bird* Insert periods, commas, semicolons, etc.

*CheckV* Overall Thoughts & Rating: A delightful little poem about a family relationship, about a father and son and a special bond. Written with simple, pure words which match a simple form. Well done! *ThumbsUp*

I rate this *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* because, although it needs working on, it's pretty good!

Thanks for sharing this piece with Writing.Com. It was a pleasure to read. Keep up the fantastic work! *Smile*

~ Kasia
Fi Author IconMail Icon

*ButterflyV*Write On!*ButterflyB*



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154
154
Review of The Brave  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi piewhackett1! This piece was on "Simply Positive Review Forum " Open in new Window. [E]. I hope you find this honest review helpful and encouraging.

Title, Etc: Title and brief description befitting. *ThumbsUp*

Form/Narrative & Flow: This piece flowed well, with no problems in rhyme or meter.

I don't think the last verse ended the poem very well, but that is my opinion. It seemed strange to end it with 'They don't mind drinking our milk or honey. / In their times of needs we offer them money.'
I suggest repeating the first verse at the end, or writing another verse, or swapping the third verse with the fourth.

I particularly like: 'True patriot's serving your country's needs...' Very nice, voicing the fact that being a patriot involves more than just living in a country.

Emotion & Imagery: The voice of gratitude is clear, on behalf of a nation, and well-related. The imagery is also appropriate. *ThumbsUp*

Suggestions & Typos:
         *Bullet* 'Stand tall friend's you are doing...' – Shouldn't this be 'Stand tall, friends, you are doing...'
         *Bullet* 'Serving our country... / You are serving...' – Avoid repeating a word twice in a verse. I suggest changing this to 'Serving our country... / You are striving...'
         *Bullet* 'In their times of needs...' – This sounds strange. I advise removing the s at the end of needs.
         *Bullet* Line eight didn't make sense to me: 'Sacrifices on holidays eating in the sands.' – Should this be: 'Sacrifices on holidays, eating in the sands.'
I suggest changing this to something more readable, like: 'Sacrificing holidays...' etc.
         *Bullet* Patriots should be spelled without the apostrophe.

Overall Thoughts & Rating: A nice little poem voicing a nation's gratitude to her soldiers. The points are interesting and thought-provoking as well as sweet.

I rate this *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* because it does need polishing and smoothing out, but it's a lovely poem.

Thanks for sharing this piece. It was a pleasure to read. Keep up the great work!

~ Kasia
Fi Author IconMail Icon

A personal question: would you like to post this on "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. ?

*Fleurdelis*Write On!*Fleurdelis*


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155
155
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Magdalene Author IconMail Icon! I saw this piece on the newbie page. I hope you find this honest review helpful and encouraging.

Title, Etc: Usually newbie titles don't interest or capture me – many are the same! – but your title just grabbed me, the brief description adding to the curiosity. Very well done! *ThumbsUp*

Form/Narrative & Flow: Absolutely perfect. What more can I say? This piece was a delight to read. It flowed well, it had a good message, the rhyme was flawless, and rhythm well-controlled.

I particularly like: > 'Let our song ring out loud / And our water applaud...' – You have brought joy naturally from something we would fear or shy away from.
> 'While the earth is deluged / May we learn of the truth...' – Interesting, thought-provoking.
> 'That we dance in the rain / When our lives give us pain...' – Brilliant!

Emotion & Imagery: Defiance in the face of pain, joy in the presence of hardship, unity in troubled times – this is what the poem is, the message you are sharing, how it can and ought to be.

This poem has vivid and beautiful imagery. You have painted the trials in the storms and joy in the singing with natural and ease which makes the reader think 'wow – why didn't I see it this way before?'. *ThumbsUp*

Suggestions & Typos: I'm sorry...or not...but I can only offer one suggestion:
         *Bullet* WRITE MORE! *Bird*

Overall Thoughts & Rating: This has got to be one of my favourites. When I read this, I was honestly struck. I just thought 'wow'. I went straight to Give this item an Awardicon and clicked before I even began my review.
So yes, if anyone else is reading this review, READ THIS PIECE!
(I hope you don't mind, I took the liberty to add it to "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. .)

I rate this *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* because I believe, as a whole, it's perfect.

Thank you for sharing this fabulous piece. It was a delight to read. Keep up the fantastic work!

~ Kasia
Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Fleurdelis*Write On!*Fleurdelis*


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*RainbowL* GO SHOWERING ACTS OF JOY! *RainbowR*

"Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

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He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.
~ Jim Elliot

I believe in the sun, even when it is not shining.
I believe in love, even when I do not feel it.
I believe in God, even when He is silent.

(Etched on a wall in Nazi concentration camp)

*Bird* *StarDavid* *Bird*

"Invalid Item" Open in new Window.
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156
156
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hey Alexandra Jones Author IconMail Icon! I said I'd try to repay the review, so here it is. *Smile*

I hope you find this honest review helpful and encouraging.

Title, Etc: The title is capturing and very appropriate. The brief description drove away my first thoughts that perhaps this would be an unappetizing, dark piece.

Form/Narrative & Flow: I am honestly stunned. I read through this poem and at the end actually whispered 'wow'. I absolutely love this poem!
I like the old-fashioned wording – it's a welcome change from the modern meaninglessness.

Lines I like: (All of them!) 'And I will clasp the clammy cold' – This is a courageous, defiant act which speaks the meaning of the poem very well.
'You strut through lives full pomp and pride, / Stopping only to spit-shine your scythe / Until it gleams brighter even than the Son.' – This is very meaningful. I like the play on the word 'Son'.
'We quiver beside our beloved dead, / Silently pleased they fill our stead...' – Vivid.
'Take me, Oh Death, embrace me, / For past you lies the light! / Through the pause I'll swiftly fly / Into God's immortal sight.' – Just pure perfection. I love 'the pause'. That is a strong phrase.

Emotion & Imagery: The emotion is bravery, defiance, a touch of disgust and joy. The image is vivid and strong. Every line is a perfectly painted picture with something to add to your point.

Suggestions & Typos:
         *Bullet* I suggest you change the meter of the poem by adding rhythm. You already have the rhyme, and because of the tone of the poem, I advise changing it into the classical style of poetry. This wouldn't be too hard, because you already have most of it.

Overall Thoughts & Rating: A very well-written, strong poem about the weakness and powerlessness behind Death's mask and the hope of Heaven beyond the cloud.

Left me feeling victorious over Death, hopeful of Heaven, defiant, and proud to be a child of God washed in the blood of Christ.

I rate this *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *HalfStar* because I sincerely think it is near perfection.

Thank you for sharing your talent in this brilliant poem. It was a delightful read. Keep up the fantastic work!

~ Kasia
Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Fleurdelis*Write On!*Fleurdelis*


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157
157
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey *~* Pens Thanks Anonymous *~* Author IconMail Icon,

A very windy letter asking for Gift Points and/or upgrade. I read through the whole thing because I thought you were going to make a great conclusion – I agree with much of what you say here – but found I was disappointed when you end by saying 'With an upgrade, I will create a group to store gift points—my own, and donations from other members of our writing.com family. When it reaches 1 million… who knows? Maybe I’ll shoot for 2 million!'

Where's the great cause?

I give this credit for being well-written, but I have to be honest: it seemed selfish. Why don't you accumulate millions and give them away to groups, contests, friends, reviewers, etc., and keep –% for yourself?

Keep writing!

~ Kasia

BREAKING NEWS: WRITING.COM'S BEST GROUP DISCOVERED: "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

*RainbowL* GO SHOWERING ACTS OF JOY! *RainbowR*

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He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.
~ Jim Elliot

I believe in the sun, even when it is not shining.
I believe in love, even when I do not feel it.
I believe in God, even when He is silent.

(Etched on a wall in Nazi concentration camp)

*Bird* *StarDavid* *Bird*
158
158
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hey The StoryMaster Author IconMail Icon,

I didn't really want to review this piece because I know you are a very busy person, but I saw at the bottom in bold that reviews and ratings of this item are appreciated – and, even if you didn't read this, I could still rest in peace, knowing that I had given you your 'just deserves'! *Smile*

I think this is absolutely fantastic, well-written, concise and accurate!! (Your economics are brilliant.) Thank you so much for putting your foot down and standing up for the reputation of Writing.Com and protecting her from attack. I must admit the Gift Point is something which still baffles me, but I could understand clearly every word in this piece.

Just a word of praise from a fan, I think you guys do so well managing this site – which just gets bigger. We really appreciate what you do.

Thank you very much for sharing. Keep up the great work!

Cheers,
~ Fi Author IconMail Icon

BREAKING NEWS: WRITING.COM'S BEST GROUP DISCOVERED: "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

*RainbowL* GO SHOWERING ACTS OF JOY! *RainbowR*

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He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.
~ Jim Elliot

I believe in the sun, even when it is not shining.
I believe in love, even when I do not feel it.
I believe in God, even when He is silent.

(Etched on a wall in Nazi concentration camp)

*Bird* *StarDavid* *Bird*
159
159
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*ButterflyV* Hello from Showering Acts of Joy!!! *ButterflyB*


Hi Winnie Kay Author IconMail Icon! I found your portfolio on the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. . I hope you find this honest review helpful and encouraging.

*CheckR* Narrative & Dialogue: This piece is written very naturally. I love the simple, easy-to-read style. Good job! *ThumbsUp*

I particularly like the lines: 'It was the summer of 1963 and life was good' and 'It's okay, Mama. You go ahead.' So sad and so beautiful!

*Check* Form & Flow: The form is perfect and the story flows lingeringly, appropriate to the memory style. Brilliant! *CheckB*

*CheckG* Imagery & Emotion: You have painted such beautiful pictures with lovely words and the emotion is very strong. The reader connects easily to this realistic, bitter-sweet tale.

*CheckB* Suggestions & Typos: Either you're a great writer or I'm a bad reviewer (or both), because I can't offer any suggestions *Wink* apart from one:
         *Bird* Write more!!!

*CheckV* Overall Thoughts & Rating: A sad, memorable story about a strong, beautiful mother changing. You have done very well with the emotion and writing your memory in a lovely tapestry of colour and beauty and sorrow.

The end was just perfect. I love it how you connect it to the beginning in the last sentence to give the first part some context and reason, and I also love how Mama changes, finding her last reserve of strength to be the real 'Mama' again.

I rate this *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *HalfStar* because it's nearly perfect!

Thanks for sharing this beautiful piece. It was a pleasure to read – not easily forgotten.

Always keep writing!

~ Kasia
Fi Author IconMail Icon

*ButterflyV*Write On!*ButterflyB*



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160
160
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*ButterflyV* Hello from Showering Acts of Joy!!! *ButterflyB*


Hi Ⱳєbâ±²itϚћ is 18 Author IconMail Icon! I hope you find this honest review from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. helpful and encouraging.

*CheckR* Narrative & Dialogue: Once again, the language is colourful and unique, characteristic of the protagonist, Lou Ryan, who writes the story firsthand.

I love the way you open the story, with the phrase 'I hate early morning visitors, especially if they wear a badge'.

*Check* Form & Flow: The story flows quickly because of its undercurrent of suspense.

However, I think, personally, that there should be a little more action because at the beginning the story is building up to something. Perhaps you could create a fight in the gambling room. That seemed a little too easy for him to just walk out after shooting Lenny.

*CheckG* Imagery & Emotion: Brilliant – what more can I say? *Wink*

*CheckB* Suggestions & Typos:
         *Bird* As stated before, you could consider creating a little more action, such as a fight in the gambling room, as the beginning is building up and that seemed a little too easy for Lou to just walk out after shooting Lenny.

*CheckV* Overall Thoughts & Rating: A capturing story written with unique style. Love the language, opinions and characters (especially Lou's view of corrupt cops!).

I rate this *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* because, although it needs a bit of polishing, it's a fantastic story which I enjoyed reading.

Thanks for sharing your talent on Writing.com. All the best!

~ Kasia

*ButterflyV*Write On!*ButterflyB*



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161
161
Review of A Penny Saved ...  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Ken,

I really enjoyed reading this poem. It is brilliant! *Smile*

It is so funny and I love the twist and play with words. Great job!

I just loved the last two lines 'The Penny that I saved / was now a Penny urned.' Genius!

Thanks so much for sharing this funny poem! It's great to have a laugh. Keep writing!

~ Kasia
162
162
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

*ButterflyV* Hello from Showering Acts of Joy!!! *ButterflyB*


Hi Ⱳєbâ±²itϚћ is 18 Author IconMail Icon! I found your portfolio link on the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. . I hope you find this honest review helpful and encouraging.

*CheckR* Narrative & Dialogue: I really like the casual and tense narrative technique you have used. I can just picture Lou Ryan writing this story! You have created his character so well, brought it out with all its imperfections and made the reader love him even more.

Brilliant! *ThumbsUp*

*Check* Form & Flow: This story flowed quickly, with suspense enough to satisfy the most suspense-less!

The plot is great and you have brought out the rough-and-ready ways of Chicago well.

*CheckG* Imagery & Emotion: You have used little description, and all the better – I saw every face, every movement, every scene without intruding help from the author!

Fantastic!

*CheckB* Suggestions & Typos: I did see a few typos, and I'll run over the story to catch them again...
         *Bird* 'Hi, I am Lou Ryan I am...' – needs a full stop between Ryan and I.
         *Bird* '"I jumped in and told him to drive away..."' – I think this should be 'told the driver' or something, because in the flow of conversation, she is talking about Vinny and when she says 'him' it seems she is referring to Vinny.
         *Bird* 'She does have the waterworks valve...' – would be better 'She did have' or 'She had'.

So I suggest editing your story (again? *Smile* How many times must we writers do it?) and keeping an eye out for such typos.

*CheckV* Overall Thoughts & Rating: An action story about a Chicago private detective, how one night a girl came in begging for help and the results of his help. Written (very well) through the eyes of Lou Ryan, the brilliant private detective, with characteristic style. A great thriller, suspenseful and even a little romantic *Wink*.

I rate this *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *HalfStar*, not because of its imperfections, but because of its near-perfection!

Thanks a lot for sharing this thriller! It was a great read! Keep up the fabulous work!

~ Kasia
Fi Author IconMail Icon

*ButterflyV*Write On!*ButterflyB*



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163
163
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Oh, God this is so sad. I am so sorry for this family – for you. You must have gone through a terrible nightmare.

Thank you for sharing this piece with us – it is eye-opening and our hearts go out to you and your family.

~ Kasia
164
164
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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Hi Jeff Author IconMail Icon. I found your short story on the Simply Positive forum. I hope you find this review helpful and encouraging.

Title, Etc: I think the title fits the story well enough, but I liked the brief description more – it's drawing and the reader instantly wants to know more.

Form/Narrative & Flow: The length of the story is perfect – it would have been wrong if it was shorter or longer. It flowed well and quickly, without confusing sentences or bad grammar.

Emotion & Imagery: Image is vivid although you have used no descriptions – I think this is the best way. Brilliant!

The piece is written frankly but I could easily see the emotion and I think I can even see your own character shining through without reading it. This is fantastic! Good job!

Suggestions & Typos: I saw no typos and I have no suggestions apart from
         *Bullet* WRITE MORE!!!

Overall Thoughts & Rating: A story about a person receiving a mysterious and lovely gift from a thoughtful anonymous person who gave more than flowers, food, cards and two-dollar-shop gifts! Ending with a thought-provoking sentence which is very true.

I rate this piece *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *HalfStar* because it's almost perfect!

You've done really well with this piece. Thanks for sharing! Keep up the fantastic work!

Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Fleurdelis*Write On!*Fleurdelis*


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Joy,

I find these really helpful – I printed some off to read and I'm still reading through them! Thanks so much for posting these. I think they help a lot of people.

I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty to link this folder in 'Reading I Recommend' (I think the title says it all!).
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1735524 by Not Available.
If you don't want it in here, just say and I can remove it.

Thanks for sharing! Keep up the great work!

~ Kasia
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Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Check out my results! They were so funny!

Osama bin laden has been captured and tried for his crimes and YOU, Kasia, have been chosen by the people of America, nay! by the people of the entire planet Pluto, to decide and mete out his punishment. The event is broadcast on every toothbrush world-wide and we wait in anticipation while you decide his fate...

You walk on camera with a(n) happy duffle bag in your hand. You sit it down and slowly turn to face the most hated giraffe of the decade, perhaps the century and beyond. You stare at him as if contemplating your opening move, then you remove something from your bag. It is a(n) silverbeat! You point it at him and announce, "I condemn you to 23 years of scrubbing the floor with a(n) hoe in the state of Wisconsin. A gasp is heard from the live audience and the world. He doesn't even flinch. So, you fetch the remaining item from your bag. It is a(n) teddy bear! Tapping him on the head with it you state, "Then following that punishment, you will kick everyone's gun until Michael Jackson is elected president of Australia. With that proclamation, Osama breaks down and cries like a knife and a keyring. "Ahhhhhhh", you say as you turn and walk away. "My work here is finished". A cheer rings out as you walk off camera and you think, Tubby or not tubby, fat is the question.
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Review of Who was Jesus?  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I voted God in the Flesh. May I ask what you believe about God?

Jesus Christ is the Son of God. The gospels of God's Word tell us how He took on human form and ministered amongst the people of Israel, most of whom rejected Him. They tell us of how He died on the cross and rose again on the third day to take away our sin and open a way to come blameless before the Father; to fulfill the prophecies of the ancient prophets of God.

Now mankind can repent, turn from their sin and take up their cross and follow Christ. Man doesn't have to perish in the eternal fires of Hell, but, sadly, many don't believe, scoff at God and persecute Christians. But we will persevere and in the end, our holy Guide will lead us home to Heaven and those who disbelieved on earth will perish. For eternity the wicked will be punished in Hell and the righteous will praise Jehovah in perfection and glory in Heaven.
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Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)

*ButterflyV* Hello from Showering Acts of Joy!!! *ButterflyB*


*CheckR* Narrative & Dialogue: This made me laugh so much! The dialogue seems so natural for a little boy and his Dad, yet such an unnatural situation!

Absolutely marvelous! *ThumbsUp*

*Check* Form & Flow: This flowed really well. You haven't exaggerated it or made it too long. Really well done!

*CheckG* Imagery & Emotion: The imagery is so vivid in this piece. I just loved it.

*CheckB* Suggestions & Typos: No typos, one suggestion:
         *Bird* WRITE MORE!!! *Smile*

*CheckV* Overall Thoughts & Rating: A brilliant piece about a boy going with his bank-robber dad to 'work'. Well written, fast-paced, and any confusion is cleared by the brief description.

Had me laughing – you know it's good when you laugh out loud!

Loved it! *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*

Thanks for sharing! Added to my favorites. Keep them coming!

*ButterflyV*Write On!*ButterflyB*



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Review of Dear Diary  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum " Open in new Window. [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*ButterflyR*Narrative & Dialogue: Really well narrated. I didn't notice the author much throughout, which is good. Often authors step in and make themselves visible, which loses the realistic feeling of it.

*ButterflyO*Form & Flow: This flowed quickly and the undercurrent was strong, pulling me on unknowing until the end.

*ButterflyG*Imagery & Emotion: The emotion was strong and the image was great. I really enjoyed reading this.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos: I saw no typos and, fortunately or unfortunately, I can offer no suggestions.

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating: A very good interpretation of the Writer's prompt. An emotional and well-written warning to make the most of your life and make your decisions carefully.

Because of its near-perfection, I rate this *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *HalfStar*

Thanks for sharing! Always write on...

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*
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Review of Waiting  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Title, Etc: The title is good, but I thought – just a thought – something like 'Waiting for Her' or 'Waiting for the Moment' or 'Waiting in the Dark' would be better than just 'Waiting'.

Form/Narrative & Flow: Really well done with all of this – oh, the suspense! I loved the twist – absolutely fantastic!!!

Emotion & Imagery: The emotion isn't written but rather felt in the reader. I think this is really clever.

Suggestions & Typos: I didn't see any typos. No suggestions except
         *Bullet* WRITE MORE!!! *Smile*

Overall Thoughts & Rating: A great little story with a brilliant twist at the end. Fantastic!

I rated this *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *HalfStar* because it isn't quite perfect!

Thank you so much for sharing this! It is a lovely piece which I enjoyed a lot. Keep them coming!

*Fleurdelis*Write On!*Fleurdelis*
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Review of Damned to sin  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
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Title, Etc: I don't think the title is very appropriate because sin isn't mentioned in this poem. Do you think just 'Damned' or 'Damned Am I' would be better?

Form/Narrative & Flow: You have related to the reader strong emotion with clever words. The rhyme and rhythm is great too.

However, there was a line which stood out: 'Damned am I, loves most feeble prey.' I advise changing this to 'Damned I am, love's feeble prey' or something of the sort.

I like the way you develop the idea of 'damned' by concluding with 'my life is Hell'. *ThumbsUp*

Emotion & Imagery: Vivid emotion and imagery. Well done!

Suggestions & Typos:
         *Bullet* In the line 'Damned I am, loves most feeble prey' 'loves' should be 'love's'.
         *Bullet* I suggest changing that line.

Overall Thoughts & Rating: A strongly emotional poem written by a lover tormented by his/her love who left him/her. It made me feel sad and angry at the person who took this lover for granted. Good poetry – I like the rhythm and rhyme.

I rated this *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* because this piece is marvelous how it is, but needs a little polishing.

Thanks for sharing, it was nice to read! Always write.

*Fleurdelis*Write On!*Fleurdelis*
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Review of Shine On Me  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*ButterflyV* Hello from Showering Acts of Joy!!! *ButterflyB*


*CheckR* Narrative & Dialogue: This is a lovely poem with clear words and meaning. You have related your feelings to the reader well, also revealing the faithfulness of the only God Who can bring peace and joy.

I particularly liked 'I thought I could fight any force single-handed, / but I was the perfect egotist that ever landed.' Brilliant!

*Check* Form & Flow: I think this poem flowed well, although there are a few parts which seemed patchy.

This is a technique in poetry my Mum taught me. The forward slash signifies the strong beat and the dash the weaker beats. This is a clever way of finding the rhythm in poems.

So, your first two lines start: /Shine -on -me -your /mer -ci -ful /light,
/Help -me -through -the /fear -ful /night.

Then the rhythm changes: /Lift -me /God, -from -the /thorns -of /life,
-so /I -can /live -my /fu -ture -without /strife.

Do you understand what I'm saying? So I suggest running over your poem with this in mind – you can use this method if you want, I have often found it helpful. *Smile*

*CheckG* Imagery & Emotion: Beautiful imagery and gorgeous emotion. Absolutely lovely.

*CheckB* Suggestions & Typos: No typos, no suggestions apart from those already stated.

*CheckV* Overall Thoughts & Rating: A very truthful poem with a strong message, beautifully written. I see how it deserves the shiny ribbon!!

Rated *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *HalfStar* because it's near perfection.

I hope these comments help.

Psalm 34:3 – "Magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt His name together."

*ButterflyV*Write On!*ButterflyB*



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Review of Hi Daddy  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
*ButterflyV* Hello from Showering Acts of Joy!!! *ButterflyB*


*CheckR* Narrative & Dialogue: The dialogue is clear – the reader knows who is speaking all the way through. At the beginning, however, it was confusing who was talking to who. I thought at first the parent in the room was the Daddy, but then the girl kept talking and it didn't make sense. Then after that it all came together.

I particularly liked the sentence "I already knew you were brave, even without the medal."

*Check* Form & Flow: It flows smoothly and there are no interruptions – so much that I reached the end before realizing it (and with a slight twinge of regret!).

*CheckG* Imagery & Emotion: I love how you have simply painted a picture with these words and the emotion! Oh, Lord! the emotion was so strong and bitterly sweet and adorable! I love the girl's innocence and ignorance. Absolutely fantastic!

*CheckB* Suggestions & Typos: I saw no typos and I have no suggestions except
         *Bird* WRITE SOME MORE!!!

*CheckV* Overall Thoughts & Rating: Indescribable.

This story touched my heart. I ardently adore your characters and how you have written this, simply, clearly and with deep feeling. I'm a fan of this story!

I rated it *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* but I wish I could rate it *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*

Thanks so much for sharing!

~ Kasia

*ButterflyV*Write On!*ButterflyB*



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Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi again, Crissy!

Fantastic poetry! I have no scruples with this poem, except I didn't like line three. It doesn't really make sense and interrupts the flow a little. However, I just love line one and six! Great job. Thanks for sharing. Keep writing!

~ Kasia

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Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Crissy,

This poem is beautiful! Such fondness between mother and daughter is so lovely. I really like the way you have constructed this little piece. Thanks for sharing!

Keep writing!

~ Kasia

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