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Review by S. Joan Popek Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (2.0)
You have a good idea here. Your first line is a good hook. It has potential. However, I suggest that you look for tips about "Show don't Tell." Your entire story is a tell. That means the narrator is telling the story so your reader doesn't get a chance to know the characters. That is a common error new writers make so you are not alone. Try rewriting this story and "Show" your reader what happens as it happens. Readers will invest their time and emotion in a character if you let them experience the action as your characters do.

Good luck.
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