I liked this piece. It's well written, flows very well and is fun to read. My only thought is to have Blog meet an animate object, a party person, so that he or she can experience rituals such as drinking, selfies, gossip, etc.
I ran across this story in 'please review' and found it well written and compelling.
Summary
This piece tells the story of a grieving father who is now homeless and living in a park near where his son was killed by a car. The father is washing up in a fountain when he hears, then sees the ghost of his son. The apparition becomes physical and they are able to embrace.
Thoughts
The story flows well. You paint a very descriptive picture of his environment as he wakes and moves through the park and really, throughout the story. I liked the changing presentation of the ghost of his son. First a blue apparition, then a physical being, the battered skull and then whole again. This section was particularly interesting. It certainly held my attention.
The ending left something for the reader to interpret and did it well, subtly. Were the slowing breaths a death or a relaxed, happy reunion? If it was death, what or who was the apparition? Nicely done.
Other thoughts
If I was to suggest anything it would be to back off some the descriptive language in the first paragraph. It is done well, this isn't a criticism as much as a personal preference. As a reader I become skeptical, maybe impatient, when the author goes to far in that direction. I know others enjoy the style so take this thought for what it's worth.
Just read your post for today's Writer's Cramp. First impression is that it is well written, flows well and tells a story that rings true. I enjoyed it. I keep an eye on this contest and when something feels right, I write.
Much of my own thoughts are here. Taking care of loved ones and doing something for charities while not really changing my life. I hope to do that should I ever win more that $10 bucks.
Unfortunately, since you have captured those fantasies so well, I can't write about them!!
My only suggestion would be to end on a greater tragedy than the unexpected changed life. It might fit the prompt better.
Here's an edit I noticed, 'if they let them', 'if I let them'.
Overview
The piece is short and describes a happy fool who stays at the top of a hill. A poet climbs up to spend the night, giving the fool insight through his poems. The fool becomes enlightened and leaves the hill in the morning, transformed.
The piece is quick and very well written. I enjoyed it just as it is and don't have any suggestions for improvement. I particularly like this - "...where thought and feeling became companions, not rivals."
Your piece flows well, has something to say and says it well.
Enjoyed the story, thanks.
Overview
The are particles that just appeared equidistant to each other all around the earth. They were found because anything that came in contact with them was either destroyed or hurt in some way causing many deaths and injuries. The particles are not aggressive but are impervious to any known material. The story takes the main character from the first days of discovery as a teenager to an adult security team leader, watching over one of particles. The story concludes when the particle, previously static, begins to move toward the home where his companion and two children live.
Notes.
I like the story, it's unique as far as I know and takes a different view from much scifi invasion, as you noted. It kept moving and flowed well. It kept my interest. As the story moves into the lab near the end, it wasn't immediately clear to me, on first read, who the characters were. The new lab technician Ollie and the Professor Iris. That is probably just me.
As I was reading the first question that came to mind was, are the particles the aliens (for lack of a better term) or did the aliens send them?
The other thing that wasn't clear is near the end when it started to move. Ollie was right next to it when it started moving or was he working remotely? Also, "Just under a mile in four hours, North", does this mean that is the estimated speed or it has already moved and if it is moving, is it destroying the lab that was built around it as it goes?
I enjoyed it. It's well written and kept my interest. I'm thinking it is an introduction to a much longer story. Maybe a first contact story?
Thanks for the read! I love science fiction in particular what you did here, scifi in a contemporary setting. Well done. I'm working on a 'first contact' piece on and off. IMHO first contact hasn't been done the way I think it could be. If my piece ever gets good enough to show I hope you'll take a look.
Overview
This is a story of a young black man, Slim, who is an aspiring musician. Slim is riding a box car with his friend and an assortment of black and white men. The piece has a racial component but that isn't the heart of the story. While in the boxcar he is confronted by a bigger man and is helped by new friends. When they jump from the box car, the new group discuss Slim's name and give him a new one. They reach a farmer who is also a friend. He employed a few of them in the past and the crop is almost ready to harvest again. The farmer offers food and hospitality and the piece ends on a happy note, they are about to be fed and hear Delta Slim play.
Thoughts
The piece is well written and flows well. Much of the story is told through well written dialogue. I like that it had a couple of twists, the argument on the train and new friends helping. The piece moved easily from one situation to the next which kept my interest up. It ended on a happy note. It was going to be a good day and good days ahead for Delta Slim and his friends. I also like that the racism is brought in without belaboring it. Well done. Delta Slim is the story.
There were just a few sentences that I think could use a little work. Here are a couple examples, they sort of change direction, maybe break them up?
"How long he continued he didn't know, he just felt the tap on his shoulder, looking up to see a boy he'd fallen in with named Rice looking down at him."
"He started mouthing the words to an old harvest song he knew, imagining how he'd play it on his harp or who would sing it the best out of the ones he'd come across in his travels.
I enjoyed this well written piece. It flows well, I can see the coffee shop, your descriptive phrasing is, IMHO, spot-on - not so much as to drown the reader but enough to provide a rich visual. It is a great story of that 'first moment' encounter of young love.
My only suggestion is to look at the section where he comes out of the daydream. The first use of dialogue, “I’m sorry I thought I…” seems out of place. Show the character emerging from reverie using the descriptive style preceding it. After that it ends well.
Again, nicely done, really like the piece.
Just a note, the storyteller is clearly in the room!
I liked this piece. It makes a statement and then substantiates it very well. The overall theme of the piece, to paraphrase,'loneliness is not a bad thing' is well done.
This line resonated with me and made me want to read more: "finding love, support, and comradery, only to still feel all alone".
The tortured artist example is great and the way you approached the 'God created the universe because he was alone' I liked as well. I remember being taught that as child.
The 'embrace it' theme is great but I think it could be approached more directly.
In a practical sense being a loner or being lonely is just another thing that society tells you is wrong or bad, that it needs to be changed. Intrinsically that isn't true. I would expand the piece to include that real-life aspect of it.
Just so you know, I'm not a religious person -- that's my bias.
Your work is well written, I enjoyed it and it made me think.
This piece is a nice comment on aging and generational changes. I like the reference to Mark Twain and your take on it, "Youth is wasted by the young.". I also like that you brought out the differences in generations as a consequence of a changing world.
Nicely done, if you edit again maybe explore if an older person had the health and energy of youth. Not a do-over, a continuance. What would our lives be and what would we be doing?
Interesting mix of good old fashioned wizardry and modern tech.
"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic" - Arthur C. Clarke.
The piece is well-written, it tells a big story in a short amount of time. Subsequent stories based on the same would definitely be welcome. Will tech put the wizards out of business?
Nicely done. The story gets right to it. The pacing is great. I see the prison, confusion, new friend and revelations that have come and the hints of the revelations that will come. Nicely done. I hope this is just the beginning of the story.
One question, the use of 'their' when referring to clanger?
Thanks for the story and how well it illustrates that kindness to others goes both ways. In the face of extreme cruelty the boy found it in himself to help another. Well done.
This was presented in 'Read and Review'. Thank you for expanding my knowledge of this cultural icon. I'm old enough to remember when there was a bit of an uproar with the gender specific toys and specifically 'pretty girl' Barbie - that they were telling us what we should and could be. I knew Barbie moved on to become a professional but had no idea how many professions and versions until now.
I recently streamed the Barbie movie. What can I say, it was free. I'm an older male and not the intended audience but thought it was well done for what it was. I made liberal use of fast forward...
Now, after reading your piece, I think movie didn't come close to doing Barbie justice. IMHO they should have, could have taken a whole different approach to Barbie's story.
Enjoyed the story. It flowed well and is well written. It seems the characters are in the middle of a long, maybe continual, argument and the story tells that well. The only suggestion is to set up the lustful affair Harry is hoping for a little better. Maybe make a switch from a 'withered' wife to 'big blue eye' Monica as he gets closer to his fantasy destination.
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