Must have been a promise morning, you know when the day is full of the promise of something besides drudgery. I found years ago that even things as mundane as hanging conduit in a pipe rack in the heat could be fun. Depends on attitude. I like your piece. Working in an office constantly could be a drag without the ability to hang on to your promise day attitude. I worked for years as an industrial electrician, then graduated to Field engineer. I traded a pouch of heavy tools for a roll of prints.
I am experiencing spring too, but ours is ahead because of our south-central Texas location. It is but 63 degrees F this evening, which feels cool after a high of 86 F. I envy your youth. I've spent 84 years on this earth, and a breath of fresh spring air is refreshing. I wonder at the length of your lunchtime, or perhaps there is a simple word used that is confusing to this old man.
I would have loved having time and the ability to take a long, leisurely lunch. However, in my world, it was a fast swig of coffee to wash down a tasteless, crunchy sandwich. The crunchy part came from the exposure of soft bread to the dry desert air for a minute or two; by the time I reached the last bite, it crunched like toast.
You have obvious good intentions shown by writing this piece. I couldn't agree with your premise more. I'm not one who nitpicks about punctuation. I make typos and sometimes get my fingers tangled. This piece has multiple comma's that need spaces repaired.
I like your writing. You have a gift for snippets of wisdom, which betray the humanness and experience of the author. You have thoroughly captured the personalities and the interplay thereof in this story. I now want to know more of the story. I think I'll start at the beginning, and go from there. I did notice a few errors in spacing between paragraphs. Simple fix.
This piece has a unique way of making the reader fill in their own blanks. The reader must create the "where" in their own mind. You used no sensory words I'm in a vacuum. As my mind always does it creates the environment that is missing. Unfortunately it isn't stable. First the voices are in total blackness. Then bit by bit the light increases. But there is a total reality shift, but there are few clues. The reality is amorphous.
Very few items "in my opinion" are ever perfect. I'm sure if you stared at it closely some tiny imperfection would reveal itself. A word might shift it's place in a sentence Then it might shift back, or two sentences might change their place.
Good story continuation. I love the ending. A lesson disguised as a story for children? This old man enjoyed it thoroughly. Have you ever submitted this as a precursor to publication? I have no idea what is available to you there. I'm not even sure what is available here. I'm too chicken to submit anything; I haven't been able to face rejection. I need someone to run interference.
You have a winner, I believe. I'm sure this is more publishable than my stuff.
I really like this. I'll read part two when I finish this review. Have you watched magpies in action? I never realized what they were doing. They circle around, do acrobatics, swoop and call, doing their thing.
I've been amazed at seeing clouds of magpies rise into the air. They do like to get shiny objects.
You do well, my friend, at giving me a peek past the costume we all wear to obfuscate who we are, and hopefully not hide that information from ourselves.
All too often, I see a tendency in myself to believe more in the charade I created than the sometimes painful truth. Time has given me the opportunity to become friends with myself, and the charades have vanished into the air.
I realize you wrote this a while back. You packed a rather complex story into less than 700 words. This was a worthwhile endeavor. You elaborated on the pieces just enough to make them fit perfectly into this story.
You touched on a very possible situation, leaving little for the reader to imagine.
This has the makings of a good story. You have repetitions where you cut and paste. There are a number of things crying for a careful edit. I advise you to print this and mark it up to complete this stage of your edit. Then use your markup to help you edit your post. I frequently use this technique, especially on
pieces over 6000bytes. It helps keep me from losing my concentration.
The joys of wintertime include sick children and sick adults, too. When my children were young, I remember times when they brought colds and flu home from school. You brought up a ton of memories again. Now, grandchildren's children are that age.
At first, I thought you were the one sick. I would make clear right away who was sick.
My kind of Poem. Your stream of thought follows a clear path for your reader to the climax statement that grey is the color of beauty. I'll remind you that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Thank you for allowing me to see through your eyes for a moment.
Good piece. I enjoyed reading it. I like the way you put your readers into your writing. You definitely have a way of getting into your readers' minds. Do you live in Bangalore?
He noticed my pouted lips cover my shrunken eyes like an umbrella opened in the rain covers us.
You captured the total Paralysis that occurs when encountering something that stimulates FEAR! Your wording was excellent. I do wonder about the shifting rhyme scheme.
It is totally permissible to rhyme and then not, but it might make for an easier read if you establish a certain consistency.
I see you have a firm hold on your boot straps and are doing a credible job of keeping yourself upright. Fake it till you make it! It takes courage to be as open as you are when you write.
I’ll be just fine pretending I’m not,
Are you pretending that you are not fine?
I know that you are not fine, but pretend that you are JUST FINE!
One way to make that crystal clear to your reader would be to add a period after pretending, then continue with I'm not...smiling etc.
Or you could change your key line to I'll be just fine pretending WHEN I'm not.
I know exactly what it is like to wear a smiley face mask when I was falling apart.
Keep writing. It helps, and perhaps others, like me, will identify.
Good job. My best to you. May you find the peace of mind you seek. Until then, keep smiling! It does help in the long run.
Hi,
Your story is based on an interesting premise. Set in 2045, the timeline might be a little tight, but this is Science Fiction. Anything you can imagine is possible in this format. Your choice of crops is probably not the most efficient or the best in terms of nutrition. If you are interested in this, a lot of information is available about plants high in protein, like "Duckweed." It is the fastest-growing source of plant protein ever identified.
Now, about the time, it is 2045. "A single buyer, a lunar mining magnate, had preordered $10,000 worth of food for a 2030 colony mission." You need to watch out for inconsistencies like this.
I like your story. It has the potential for expansion into a series.
It would take a lot of research and hard workto pull it off.
In English as a second third or fourth language you did very well with this piece.
You paint striking pictures in very few words. Commendable!
There are a few places I could possibly offer suggestions for improvement if asked for.
Example
I wonder now, too tired to roam,Time to Go Home
Wonder is a cerebral excersize, Wander is grueling hard physical exercise.
I think wander fits better because of the physical nature of the words that follow it. Just an opinion, we all have those so take it for what it is: one of a myriad of possibilities.
You've made me want to read more. How do you create stories like this? You haven't abandoned your gentleness turning softness into something brittle and cutting. The story has a depth that could get lost so easily, but you kept it, not letting it vanish or turn in the opposite direction from where it started. Your ability to touch part of my mind that I thought had lost forever is amazing.
Thank you for this uncorrupted story of a reality most people forget.
You are improving a lot! One thing I keep seeing, though, is (i should be I) when referring to yourself. Keep up the great work, you are much easier to understand now than you were only a few days ago. Your thoughts are more coherent to your reader. I can tell how hard you are working.
Your theme is excellent. Your presentation is very logical and touching.
I don't comprehend why faith changed from love based understanding to threats of eternal pain and the fires of hell. Fear as a basis for faith reminds me of an abused dog crouching in the corner to avoid its cruel master's boot.
My God doesn't threaten; He offers a banquet which we can accept or reject. If we reject it, it's by our own choice that we don't eat.
Long Ago when asked how I viewed Heaven and Hell. I saw heaven as a library offering the means to discover answers to all questions. And Hell, as being unable to go inside because I threw away the key in a tantrum because there would be work to get the answers I craved instantly.
These are just my thoughts. There may be others in this audience who agree, and undoubtedly, there are those who would disagree. So I offer these thoughts; whether you choose to use or ignore them is up to you. I encourage you to become the best writer you can be, no matter what you choose. We all get to our destination by the road we are on.
Editing is an essential part of the writing experience. It gives us the opportunity to change a piece from something less than perfect to something nearer to perfect.
I believe that any piece can be improved. The lens through which we view things influences how we define perfection.
I'm thankful to get a peek through others' lenses, which will expose me to opportunities to learn. The lesson could be ("This isn't for me, not how I would try to reach a reader.") to (Hey, Thanks, this works!)
My hope is to at least understand what others see. I may or may not agree.
My friend Dora, the General Assistant, was a creature of comfort and adaptability
The opening of any piece is extremely important.
I am not sure if "My Friend" is the most important or if this is primarily an "introduction of Dora to me" the reader.
If the introduction of Dora is most important start with the word Dora and end with "my friend."
Dora, the General Assistant, a creature of comfort and adaptablity was my Friend
Do You see how the message is shifted by changing word order? A large change in emphasis with a small change in word order!
Good work! Great exercise for the visual cortex. You paint well with words, bringing visual shards together into a coherent bundle that pulls your reader into the scene you create. (one sense - vision) You missed a golden opportunity to intensify the experience of the wind and snowflakes. All you need to do is reorder a few words.
You said "With its stabbing snowflakes the wind shrieks."
You could change it toThe wind shrieks, stabbing with its snowflakes.
I grew up 80+ years ago in a place called Igloo, South Dakota. I am familiar with wind and the snow it pushes into every crevice under your coat. I sometimes thought of the wind as a monster I had to outwit every time I delivered papers in the winter.
un: 
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