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Review by Chbedok Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (2.0)
a story such as this would do better with a first person pov or 2nd person pov.

Show rather than tell

Don't use the brackets to describe events, instead use descriptive words or sentences to show what happened and let the reader's imagination take over. If not this will look like a script or screenplay.

unless that was what you were aiming for and in that case, good job:)
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