That was an interesting piece. An unusual read. Somewhat believable as you listed names of well known icons like Ellen.
It was also written like a news article that made it further like truth.
Now, if you like you can go over the piece to correct spelling.
I did like the descriptions of the frog-like humans.
It was a good read, I enjoyed reading it and an interesting idea was developed.
Keep writing, Bob.
unicornstar. ( Barb)
3.5 stars for uniqueness, 50 gift points to spur you on.
This is a lovely poem that works well.
Simple words that flow well, giving the reader beautiful visions and hope
The lines I love most are: Parchment cracked,
nib sharp
writing tack....
I also liked: Blanket warm, Eyes bright and age gone...
Shiny stars....This line is fantastic too,soft chime, Eclipse Mars...
Beautiful! The flow is spot on. Each section ending in rhyme. Bringing the idea to a conclusion then starting another idea. It is the kind of poem where dreams are created and interpretations could be entirely up to the reader. I have seen a theme in the poem and wonder if this was your intention. To me the poem speaks highly of time, Without overwhelming the reader and paying such careful attention to the words chosen I have found definitely that it speaks to me about the past and the future, especially towards the end. "Present here, future arriving, chair there...."
Then, blanket warm, eyes bright and age gone."
I interpreted this as being the actions of an old person nearing their end but at peace as suggested by the butterflies fluttering and the eyes being bright.
I do believe that this poem has more in it than meets the eye. There is so much a reader can pull out of it. I think that the words allow the reader to interpret it however best relates to them. They may drawl out a totally different mood than what I have.
I for one, have been moved by the images in this poem. I appreciate the time you have taken to write something so unique and look forward to viewing more pieces in your portfolio. I am awarding you gift points for your effort and wish you well here on writing.com
Beautiful poem, lovely, so carefully written, so wonderful to read. So thought provoking, I love it!
Though, for this competition is well over 12 lines. So I'm giving you gift points, because you are a winner in my eyes!
A very interesting and terrifying dream you have here. Filled with all of the traits that make it compelling. A racy fast pace and action packed story that keeps the reader engaged so intensely that they don't want to stop reading because they become attached to the characters and care for them because of the information we learn as we read on.
This story/dream I think appealed to me the most because it was similar to the dreams I have had in the past where I wake up in a cold sweat and try to make sense of everything I've been through in a turn of confusing events.
You have done a remarkable job of piecing a story together that seems to have been filled with racing time and disjointed events as in one minute one thing appears to be happening but all of a sudden a second passes and the scenery changes completely. I can relate to that well but don't know whether I'd be able to describe it to others so well as you have done here.
A very interesting and informative piece. I love to hear about American history. I so love to hear stories about the Indians of old. It takes me back to when I was a young girl watching cow-boy and Indian movies with my dad.
Thanksgiving is such a lovely tradition. We don't have that in Australia but I know how important it is to stop and give thanks once and a while.
Thanks again for sharing. I loved reading up on all this exciting and interesting information.
That was a sad little tale. I was so hoping that the turkeys would escape to freedom but the humans were one step ahead. I guess not every thing has a happy ending.
This was cleverly written, intriguing, fun and imaginative. Thank you for sharing this thought provoking piece and keep writing such great pieces as these.
I really like this piece and am interested in finding out more of what will happen next. Definitely a great read. An interesting concept. "A Vampire who appears to be befriending a human, who seems at this point trying to find out what he missed in his absence." However, I'm wondering whether it is all part of a game just to lure him into his world of darkness?"
Words were well thought out and planned, creating clear and vivid images. Your writing creates suspense. I for one would love to find out what happens next.
So very well written. So very sad. This was heart warming, emotional and I really liked it. Thanks for sharing. It was so well written that I never knew from the beginning that Kaylie wasn't alive. Good job.
Love this poem. It had an edge of sadness to it, reminding me of child hood days when it was fine to believe in imaginary things like dragons and mermaids...It spoke to me volumes because it reminds me of that part of one self belonging to child hood that has disappeared. Its as though at the end of the poem..."I wan to go to those places where dragons fly and mermaids swim." Suggests to me that there is a longing not to let go of those special games and worlds of a child. The aspects of imagination and magic draw me into want to want to find out more.
It has much feeling and an easy flow to it. Mostly, I love the message that is coming clearly through that in Heaven there is no color. Says to me that in heaven we are all accepted. Also what worked well was "I'll show you how my love will embalm you when you stand next to me." Beautiful words Maxx.
I think much thought has been put into this. For me, the reader it paints a 3 D picture because the words picked are so carefully displayed.
Well done, I will definitely read more soon. The world needs writers like you, bringing hope as they write.
I am including gift points for encouragement. Enjoy.
What a sad and tortured tale of a young girl. I feel so sorry for her. I feel badly that no-one could help her. Its such a shame that she killed herself in the end. It was scary what she had to go through.
Hi there.
This piece I absolutely love because it is so similar to the way I feel about the loss of my dad. He died over 13 years ago but it still pains me when I think about all the things he stood for, all that he is and all that he'd missing now. He was a man of faith, a solid rock and the best man I ever knew.
It's wonderful to be able to express such emotions by writing. It is such a great tool for dealing with grief. I feel that when we lose something or someone dear to our hearts that the longing and missing doesn't totally go away completely. It just lessens and the tightness around our hearts and souls loosens as the days pan out and the grief loosens it's hold on us. Yet never fully am I free from the memory of his love and all he taught me. The essence in believing in myself.
I can relate to this poem in just about every aspect. Well done, you have hit a raw nerve. I am giving yo a scoring of 4.0. Just a tiny error to check though.
"I found out to late." Should read: "I found out too late." Other than that I really enjoyed it.
This is a fantastic story! One worth reading. Are you thinking of doing a continuing piece to this, like perhaps books or chapters because this is such a powerfully entertaining story that I feel you could tell more of it. I for one would eager to find out how this young "Eve" balances being a warrior of her mother's ancient times and her school life. I'd like to see Seb's input in this. I particularly like the use of descriptive words for eg:
"It was like looking into a deep ocean, one that pooled with many secrets."
Also like how you described Seb's eyes. "Was it errr..."Grass on emerald." How you described that they were even greener then the grass, even greener than an emerald itself......As if that colour could not exist in another person's eyes."
Love your descriptions. Your verbs are so fitting: "Like yanked, spinning and reeling,gasping...fiery touch....Fiery spirit that bloomed....
So much much more! You are one talented writer. I hope you go far and I am sending you 200GPS along with a clear rating.
Some good use of well thought out words to create emotion of the way you feel. At day happiness, at night a stark change. It kind of gives the reader an uneasy feeling and makes me wonder about how many people in life do put on a fake exterior to tell the world that everything is o.k. How often do I judge people as having everything together, when really they don't. How often do we really" look" at people, you know look not just at a person but inside of a person to their soul and how often do we ask. "How are you?" And are really concerned to wait for the answer, and do we try to help or forget all they have said eager to turn away to our own lives? This poem rose these questions in me. The loneliness, the sadness that occurs when a person feels that they have no-one to turn to, no-one they can trust so they go to bed alone and cry and scream it out. Sometimes it is a blessing therefore when we can write about it. Some things are too painful to get out, some times to talk is to hurt...But you have expressed your feelings masterly on paper. It is a gift. More than that...You have found a way of expressing hurt that is productive. Other people will read your work and will find as I have that they have been there...Alone and without someone to talk to. They will relate to it and be able to recognize that they are not totally cut off from society, that their problems are not so recluse because others feel the same way. It helps to know that others grieve in the same way and though we feel alone in our actions and feel that we cannot be heard that we are not alone in how we feel. It does create comfort.
So I know this review is long. I just wanted you to know what a great job you did in conveying such feeling and thought in this poem. To conclude, your writing does touch the reader, does provoke an element of sadness but also hopefulness that somebody notices the sadness in this person during the day, so that the night times will be easier.
Thanks for sharing such difficult feelings. Your honesty is inspiring.
TITLE: Suits the theme of the poem, being afraid and feeling alone.
CONTENT: The poem worked well as it drawls the reader in straight away with a direct question that sets the mood for the scene. It starts with the feeling of emptiness and being frightened but it provides the reader with hope and a sense of comfort. It offers light for those who believe in the guiding hand of God.
FLOW: The words were easy to follow and flowed well.
SPELLING: No word correction needed.
CONCLUSION: over all an interesting and uplifting poem that offers a real sense of hope and feeling safe. I recommend this poem to anyone who has ever felt lost and in the dark. I am awarding 100 gift points to you...I love to read your work and look forward to reviewing more.
What a beautiful, eerie story! interesting how he was alive but not living, he didn't feel alive till he was dead. That was so clever. How could I not be compelled to feel something for these two lost souls! A great read. Thank you for sharing.
So beautiful and sad. Rhyme fantastic flow, the soft detail in the heart felt phrases well thought out and compelling, believable, reassuring...I do love this poem. Can see no fault in it, you are a wonderful writer with much to offer. Well done! Enjoy these gift points.
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