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Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR ★★★★★ | (4.0)
User: Lera Sycamore Author IconMail Icon

"The Scum Warlord Stabbed Me In The Back" 

Setting/Scene:

The prologue contains many sentences with characters shouting back and forth, but there isn’t much of a setting or scene. The warriors are drunk, so perhaps they are in a mead hall or a pub? The timeline or the era in which this is taking place isn’t clear. Are we in a fantasy world? Perhaps in ancient Viking times? Are these warriors from different factions?

Plot:

The story opens with drunken warriors arguing loudly about two of their leaders, each side blaming the others.

The second scene jumps to a tent on the other side of the camp where High Warlord Leksa is a wound that Demyan has suffered. It seems that there is some sexual tension between the two.

Voice:

I didn’t notice any headhops or changes in pov.

JMHO:

You have a great prologue for a novel, but it needs a little more details to give the reader a better idea of where they are. Is this a fantasy, science fiction, action?

I made additional comments and suggestions in the line by line below, but remember this JMHO! Take what advice you like and ignore the rest. This is your story.


This section mentions two men are talking, but only the High Warlord is named. We don’t learn the second man’s name for several more paragraphs. So using ‘he/him/ for both guys becomes tedious since the reader is confused as to which one is talking. Introduce Demyam right after the High Lord.]

On the other end of the camp, inside a scarcely furnished tent, candles trembled, shedding light on two men sitting on opposite ends.

“We need to negotiate an out,” the Kingless Knights' leader, the High Warlord, offered. Though his tone of voice didn’t imply he would take suggestions.

Perched on top of a treasure chest, he swirled an intricate golden dagger in his hand. The encrusted rubies glistened with each movement, mesmerizingly enough to distract from a sudden disdainful look crossing his face.

“I told you it was a mistake from the start,” he snapped, catching the scabbard in his fist.

Splash! [Sound effects not needed. *Smile*]


The sound of ripping fabric made the High Warlord grimace. Unlike his battered half-naked companion, he was impeccable – clean robes, not a speck of dirt on his boots, freshly braided hair. Wordlessly, he stood up from his seat and strode through to the other end of the tent, stopping right in front of the bloodied man — the source of his irritation. [Great paragraph!]

“Thanks, I know you cherish my strategic acumen dearly, High Warlord Leksa,” Demyan snickered, the title rolling of his tongue with mirrored sarcasm. “What can you even negotiate with them? I’m the only one to fall for your pretty face so pathetically,” he mocked.

Leksa rolled his eyes in exasperation. [So the High Warlord is Leksa?]

“Of course, you will.”


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Review of Mount Rainier  
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)
Hi, kadenkoker Author IconMail Icon. I enjoyed reading your story. It's heartbreaking but inspirational as well. I think readers will like Thomas's determination to honor his sister's death. Thomas must have really loved his sister to risk his life like that.

I have some comments and suggestions, but remember these are my own humble opinion. Take what advice you like and ignore what you don't like. This is your story.

There are times when you use italics, which I think you did to indicate Thomas's thoughts. Since the story is already in Thomas's pov, it isn't necessary to use italics.

I made some additional comments and suggestions below:


“I can see the top, not far to go now.” She didn’t answer but continued to ascend.
We’re pretty high. Too high for my liking.
[Are these the main character’s thoughts?]


Then she was gone, falling silently to the ground below, not even a scream.
[Thomas doesn’t have a reaction to his sister’s death. Consider having him watch in horror or scream in terror as she falls.]


A robin flew by, a flock close behind.
[Is there a significance to this observation? I see later that Thomas sees animals on his hike. Perhaps include this in the paragraph below?]


I pulled the zipper [This reference is rather abrupt. Consider: “I pulled the zipper on my parka up…”]


I tucked my hands deeper into my pockets and continued.
I buried my hands into my pockets, [Thomas has already tucked his hands into his pockets. Think about adding a sentence or two having him pull his hands out to keep his balance on the path.]


but she had died before the chance came.
[The sister was climbing the mountain when she passed away, so perhaps: “…but she died before she could reach the summit.”]


I was exhausted as well as starving, so I ate some food, but it did little to help fill satisfy me.


The warmth protection of the cave was soothing, and my muscles began to relax.


I stood, brushing the snow off my clothes, then strode out of the cave and into the frigid air.
[Has the blizzard subsided? A climber wouldn’t continue to climb in a blizzard. Maybe this is a place for Thomas to become frustrated at wasting more time?]


My lungs burned as I inhaled the cold air. [This seems like an oxymoron. Perhaps Thomas feels his lungs freeze as he inhales cold air?]


Keep writing!


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Review of The hatch  
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)
Hi, Isedora Klopper Author IconMail Icon. I came across your story while searching the LGBTQ+ genre. I enjoyed your story and think a lot of us can sympathize with the main character. My comments and suggestions are my own humble opinion. Take what advice you like and ignore the rest. It is your story.

For much of the story, I thought the MC was male, so it took me a while to realize the MC is female. Read the story again, and see if there is a place where the pov can be established that a girl is the MC.

One major thing I noted was the tense of the story. It goes back and forth between present tense and past tense. I made note of a couple areas in my comments below.



I have a older gentleman next to me who has refused to converse with me, who instead has chosen to stick his nose in a book. Written by Michael Connelly,

[You have two subordinate phrases starting with ‘who’. I suggest splitting it into two sentences. “An older gentleman sits next to me, but he has refused to converse with me. Instead, he sticks his nose into a book, written by Michael Connelly.”]


Besides its just time, I have wake to attend as well, and would like to soak my feet in the sea water a west end after having my relationship of two and half years just fall to bits.

[This sentence is confusing. Perhaps splitting it into two or more sentences.]


Something which had This has always frustrated me, since it made getting good waves on my bodyboard difficult, as I had to consistently give way to surfers.


...the soft gently gentle pitch she used to speak to me and only to me in. We had been close, which had done nothing but to confuse her friends since we didn’t really know each other that well.


I collect my thing things and hike to mum’s work, who greets me with a hug and a smile. After surviving the introductions to everyone, I put my thing things in her car and decide on a walk before we head off.

It was a welcomed welcome change to have this kind of conversation with her.

[The following section is in past tense where your story has been in present tense.]

Home was quiet and we found dad firing the barbeque up ready for dinner, which as it turns out was very tasty. I was by then however absolutely buggered and retreated to my room for some shut eye.

“Yeah…” I finally mage manage to stammer out, “Been a while. How you been?”


[Now the story goes back into present tense.]
I finally gear myself up enough and get out of the car, and slowly walk up to the steps, where Brigette comes out to meet me.


Keep writing!


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Review of Product Rollout  
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)
Hi, ChristineB Author IconMail Icon. I came across your story while searching the "Fashion" genre. I love this story. I wish you had more opportunity to expand on the bodybuilder's reaction, if he went ahead and purchased it. We all know he did. *Wink*

And the salesperson knows he will and is waiting for him to model it.

Great story!

Keep Writing!


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5
5
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)
Hi, Chowtyme Author IconMail Icon. I came across your story while searching the "Men's" genre. You have an interesting story and I enjoyed reading it. I think many of us struggle with the same issues as Sister Poena.

I have a question about the chalice. It "sits cool and smooth". Is that describing the chalice or perhaps the liquid in it. Are we to know what the dark, viscous liquid is?

Keep writing!


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Review of Unrequited  
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)
Hi, Je Author IconMail Icon. My comments and suggestions are my humble opinion only. Take what advice you like and ignore the rest this is your story.

I think you managed to capture the thoughts and feelings that many of us experience while coming to terms with our sexuality.

"Thanks for ignoring me when in a trio." Your line "Thanks for ignoring me when in a trio." cut a little too close to home for me. It's one that elicited the strongest reaction. Great job!

Write on!


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Review of Christmas Passed  
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)
Hi, Ms.Magi Author IconMail Icon. I enjoyed your short story. My comments and suggestions are my own humble opinion. Take what advice you like and ignore the rest. This is your story.

I understand the limitations of writing flash fiction so you're limited in how much you can describe a scene. I'm not sure exactly what happened to Sarah after she put on the necklace. You had a great build-up in suspense as Sarah is sneaking up the stairs, but consider shortening that section and expand on the result of putting on the necklace. Is it cursed? Or does her Nana catch her and punish her?

...rubbed her rump as she remembered the hiding she got..."

Did you mean "spanking" or "whooping"?

Write on!


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Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)
Hello, Adherennium Author IconMail Icon! I really enjoyed your alternative take on a favorite story. Interesting twist! LOL

Is a Combat Motors Wraith a form of motorcycle? I wasn't sure how else she was able to travel at a top speed of 165 mph!

"...and that his master had ridden, (and ribbited), over seven leagues to get here, including the infamous League of Gentlemen."

I guess this confused me since the first mention of "leagues" refers to distance, but the second mention of "leagues" refers to a group of people.

Keep writing!


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Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)
Hi, Samuel. You have a great start to an exciting story here. My comments and suggestions are my humble opinion only. You can take what advice you like and ignore the rest. This is your story.

You have a vivid imagination and sometimes it is difficult to put that into words. First, writing from a second person point of view is very tricky. You're telling the reader what he is seeing and hearing, but also what he is supposed to be thinking and feeling. Your reader might not have the same reactions to those situations. Consider using first voice or third voice for your story.

Also, there was a lot of build up and not much action in the first two-thirds of the story. We see the main character waking up, eating, marching, and getting yelled at before the main character's transformation. Much of that could be put into dialogue.

But there wasn't any dialogue. Only the Colonel (Captain?) spoke and then only to issue threats. Consider adding some dialogue between the main character and his comrades. Much of the setting and scenery can be descrribed in conversation. It also can help advance the action.

Are the peace keepers at war with someone? It's implied that they are going into battle but no enemy or conflict is ever mentioned.

I made note of a few grammar errors with some thoughts from the story:

"...it can holojump at the the speed of light 299,792.458 kilometers per second exactly."

"Never let it escape your mouths without permission, and above all, never even think of it without adding ‘Colonel’ in front of it. I am the captain of this ship; it is why you shall call me Captain."

[So are they supposed to call him ‘Captain Colonel’?]


"But what about it imitating your face ?You don't know, and before you can question it any further, the marching stops."

[Add a space between ‘?’ and ‘You’]


“They have an autonomy of 2 two(/b} months when disconnected from the ship;"


"...a recharging time of t'en ten minutes..."


an intergalactic united planetary front peacekeeperdamnit.
[Is this meant to be a curse word or is part of the sentence. If it is a curse word, separate it with a comma “…front peacekeeper, damnit!”]


Keep writing!


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10
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Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Title:
 
STATIC
The Key--Chapter 3  (18+)
Justin gets an assignment


Author: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈 Author IconMail Icon

Plot:

Justin returns to his apartment and starts analyzing maps to determine where the tunnel he found leads and where would the locked door be. He gets an email from his boss telling him to report to a hotel to work on their key card system.

Not much in the way of advancing the plot, but we get to know a bit more about Justin. This chapter is spent with Justin figuring out where the tunnel leads and where he might find another entrance. I didn’t notice any plot holes or inconsistencies.

Characters:

Justin Hisakawa is the only character in this chapter. We know more about him now than from the first chapter. We’ve learned he works from home and is some sort of computer whiz.

Setting:

This chapter takes place in Justin’s apartment. We get a good glimpse of Justin’s lifestyle, but I wondered if it was only a one-bedroom apartment. The building is not large, because it only has eight parking spaces so it probably isn’t a large or fancy apartment.

Voice:

We’re in Justin’s pov throughout the chapter. I didn’t notice any head hops or changes in pov.

JMHO

I made some comments and corrections below in the line-by-line, but remember they are just my humble opinion only! This is your story so take what suggestions you like and ignore the rest. This is your story.

This chapter is a little slow. Not much advancement of the plot and the hook at the end could be a little better. Justin is going out to do his job and hopes that he can hook up with the night clerk. Remember the decision, dilemma, or disaster? *Wink* *Wink* *Wink*

Comments/Corrections/Suggestions

When Justin stepped out of his beat-up Toyota and into the parking lot of his apartment complex, the noontime suh sun slammed him like a blast furnace. Instant [Instantly?] sweat trickled down his cheek, and the lot’s black asphalt paving seared his Reeboks and toasted the soles of his feet. At least there were only two other cars in the tiny eight-car lot.


Inside, the window airconditioner [Need a space] met him with a whine, but at least it kept the place cool.


Justin dropped his knapsack on the sofa and pulled out his head cam. He had a ton of new pix to post on his Adventure Wall above the sofa. His boss at Greeen Green Country Web Services,


He opened Mapitude on his workstation and iused used it to load the Google map for the area south of the airport. He'd already saved the GPS coordinates of the manhole, so it was easy to mark the spot 3700 feet due east where the tunnel changed directions. From there, the software gave him a drive circle with a radius oi 4480 feet. The locked door was underground, somewhere on the southeast rim of that circle.

[4480 ft is over 8/10 of a mile, so the diameter of his drive circle is over a mile and a half. Is that sufficiently small enough for Justin to narrow down his search?]


He chewed his lower lip and peered at the display. Most likely, the Spartan manufacturing plant had been someplace near here back in 1942, but today the circle ran through three blocks of a residential neighborhood. The angle in the tunnel had looked to be about 45 degrees, but it could have been as muc much as ten degrees more or less. Still, this was as good as he could get. He scribbled down the addresses of a dozen possible possible home that might be over the locked door at the end ot to the tunnel.


Next, he used the workstation’s browser to call up the Tulsa County Assessor’s website. Geeze, what a sorry mess. They could sure use a professional web designer. This one looked a like ten-year-old had built it using notepad. A color-blind ten-year-old.


She was a physics professor at the University and he was a playwrite playwright at the Writers Workshop, a match of opposites if ever there was one. He kind of felt sorry for both of them. On the positive side, she didn’t complain about him dropping out of pre-med to be a loser web designer.



It could take minutes but more likely hours to figure it out. He bit his lower lip, hit reply, and typed, “I’m on it.”


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Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Crosstimbers Novel Workshop Gr...  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Title:
 
STATIC
The Key--Chapter 1  (18+)
Justin finds a long-lost tunnel


Author: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈 Author IconMail Icon

Plot:

Justin has located a hidden, secret tunnel near Tulsa International Airport built back in WWII by J. Paul Getty to move around unnoticed if it became necessary. Justin enters the tunnel and begins searching. He walks for a while and sees a light in the distance. He hears footsteps running, a door slamming and then light vanishes. He vows to find out the secret of the tunnel.

The plot is solid. I didn’t notice any gaps or inconsistencies, except for one about how far he has walked. See my comments below.

Setting:

This chapter takes place in an abandoned area where factories used to stand, but now it is overgrown and has become a wild forest in the middle of Tulsa.

Characters:

Justin Hisakawa is the only character that appears in this chapter. Not much is known about him, but I’m going to guess he’s Japanese? At least by ancestry. He is gay and single.

Voice:

This chapter is in Justin’s head. I didn’t notice any headhops or changes in pov.

JMHO.

I’ve made some corrections and suggestions below. Remember these comments/suggestions are my humble opinion only. Take what advice you like and ignore the rest this is your story.

I think the hook needs to be a little stronger. It’s good but it could have more of a catch to it.

Justin Hisakawa huddled in the coffee shop of the airport Hilton and squinted at his dog-eared copy of Unpacking Social Space. The ubiquitous Muzak oozing through the lobby shifted to a 1001 Strings version of "The the Night the Devil Went Down to Georgia," and he rolled his eyes. It was too early in the morning for tamed-down rockabilly.

[I’m sure you are talking about Charlie Daniel’s song.]


In the parking lot, he squinted at the early morning sun and glanced up as a Southwest Airlines 747 screamed into the air a half mile away, on the west runway of Tulsa International Airport. A hundred foot hike south along Virgin Street took him to where it passed under the Gilcrease expressway and its buzzing traffic. Down here, in the underworld, he was all alone. Just like an outcast social deviant. He grinned.

[I’m going to be nitpicky here, but Southwest does not fly 747s. None of the domestic carriers do because they’re considered to be gas guzzlers with four engines. I think Southwest uses 737s almost exclusively. I can confirm that if you’d like.]


Eighty years ago, this had been bustling with factories manufacturing aircraft for WWII. Now, it had reverted to a forest primeval, part of the Cross Timbers Forest here in the middle of the city.

It gave a satisfying clang when he struck it with the crowbar. Loud. Too loud. He stopped and looked around. Stupid. No one could hear him, not out here in the middle of this wilderness. He clanged on it a dozen more times, sending dirt and rust skittering across the surface.

[First, this area is “in the middle of the city” but now it’s “out here in the middle of this wilderness.” I can’t get a feel of how large this area is. You mention that earlier it had been “bustling with factories” so I’m going to guess it is several blocks square?]


Funny stuff, indeed. Justin knew it had to be there. Waite Phillips had brought miners from Nevada to dig his tunnels under downtown Tulsa, tunnels still in use. The same miners had been back in Tulsa in 1942 when Getty took over management of Spartan Aeronautics and built his bungalow. All the oil millionaires were terrified of kidnapping or worse, and built tunnels out of an excess of caution.

[Or you could say “millionaires were terrified of being kidnapped.”]

Getty was no different, and wouldn’t have been left out of tunnel mania.

Now Justin was descending into the not-urban-legend tunnel Getty had built. Probably the first person to be there in decades. Social deviants triumph!

Worn red bricks, covered with red Oklahoma dust, floored the tunnel. The same bricks formed walls that curved to an overhead arch, perhaps eight feet tall. Electrical conduit strung along the arch, along with intermittent empty light fixtures. The tunnel itself was narrow, just four feet wide. It stretched, straight as an arrow, as far as his light shined, which was about two hundred feet according the manufacturer's specs.

[I know there aren’t many synonyms for ‘tunnel’ that could apply but ‘subway’ and ‘shaft’ could be used to keep from repeating ‘tunnel’ so frequently.]



The silence pressed on him. Darkness, dust, and dead air oppressed him. For a moment, he wished he had someone to share this adventure with him.



Two thousand paces, another mile, No change. At three thousand, he stopped and peered down the tunnel. Was that a light glimmering in the distance? Maybe there was another opening in the tunnel, like the manhole he’d opened up.

Justin chewed his lip, then got out a map. He was maybe half a mile from where he’d entered

[Justin has been counting his steps. At first count, he had walked 2000 paces, a bit less than a mile. Then 2000 more, another mile. “At three thousand, he stopped…” Is that an additional 1000 paces or did he walk 3000 beyond the 2000? So he’s probably walked at least two miles but he thinks he’s only a half mile from where he entered. Has the tunnel been winding back and forth?]


It didn’t make sense. But Justin was determined to find out the mystery of the tunnel.

[Meh.]


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12
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for entry "The Unconquered" 
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
A neat take on the Headless Horseman! I don't remember much about the story other than the spooky stuff, but I enjoyed it.

I do want to mention one thing: "The rider advanced, remorseless." Since he is still in shadow and at a distance, how would Ike/Ichabod know if he was remorseless? That's a mind-set, so maybe he advanced in stony silence? Something along those lines.

JMHO!


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13
13
for entry "A Solstice Gnome" 
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
I know you are limited by the word count but a couple of things.

You start out with the MC as "Mandy" but then change her name to "Ruby" about halfway through.

Perhaps give us a quick clue about what might have happened. Maybe she hears a report on the television about a mysterious fire in Tulsa overnight.

JMHO!


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14
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for entry "Fire on the Mountain" 
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
*Laugh**Laugh**Laugh**Laugh**Laugh*

Yeah, this one started out kinda dark, but then ended up with that song running through my head. Thanks, Max.


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15
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Review of The Fun House  
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)
Hi, Tom Buck Author Icon. I came across your story in this week's Horror/Scary Newsletter. Congratulations on being highlighted!

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your story. It is definitely a "page-turner". I like the way you introduced the characters as being friends and challenging each other.

But it is the setting that really makes this story exciting and scary. I don't think an abandoned amusement park has been used quite as effectively as you did. You brought new life to the setting by using a funhouse with all its gimmicks and tricks to something we've seen before and bumped up the horror a notch. Or two. *Smile*

Great job! Thank you for the scary read!
Alex


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Review of The Moonlight  
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (3.0)
Hi, JessTheMess Author IconMail Icon. I came across your story in the Read a Newbie section. I enjoyed reading it, especially the little twist at the end. I think some of us readers were expecting the wolf to attack, instead of retreating. Nice touch.

One of the things I noticed is switching from past tense to present tense. It's confusing when you go back and forth, so pick a tense, and stick with it.

Also, go easy on the adverbs. It's something that I still struggle with. The first two paragraphs have eight adverbs in them, so try to describe the action without using a lot of adverbs.

Great job! Welcome to WDC!


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17
17
for entry "Do Ya Wanna Taste It" 
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)
Seeing John Cena (swoon!) stone-faced with dorky dance moves is hysterical! And Robert Patrick doing a pelvic thrust. Love it!

I had not heard of Wig Wam before, so this song is a great introduction.


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18
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Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)
Hi, Dylan. I came across your story in the "Read a Newbie" section. The title is a great hook, but I didn't see in the story where anyone had crossed the main character. He has an unrequited love with his counselor, but that's not crazy at all. *Laugh* Were you planning to write a follow-up or expand on this story?

The blurb for your story says the 18 year-old is mentally ill, but he seems normal to me. Uh-oh. Maybe that means I am, too? LOL

Great read, Dylan!
Thanks!


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19
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Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)
Hi, Stephen. Congratulations on being featured in this week's Horror Newsletter.

Great story and I enjoyed reading it. I was confused a bit about the parenthetical question marks: (?)

"It took a couple of minutes to find the right door. At first, I thought they found the right front door to enter the house. Then I realized they found the "right" door where Bill was feeling the bad vibes?

Thanks for the great read!


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20
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Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Wonderful story, Max! I love the Star Wars references. You wrote Yoda so well I read it in his voice!

Thanks!


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21
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Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Sci-fi Writers Guild  
Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (3.0)
Hi, shyguy42 Author Icon. I came across your story in the “Please Review” page. I enjoy the fantasy, magic, action/horror, and gay themes included here.

I made some comments/suggestions below, but remember they are my humble opinion only. Take what suggestions you like and ignore the rest. This is your story!

First thing, your story could benefit from a simple review for spelling, punctuation, grammar, spacing, extra words, and repeated words. Another reviewer mentioned avoiding adverbs, and I totally agree. The word ‘quickly’ is used a lot. When writing action scenes, trust the reader knows that a lot is happening very rapidly, so we will read ‘quickly’ into a lot of places without having the word on the page. *Smile*

Another thing to be aware of is avoid ‘telling’. At the beginning, the story was in the pov of the elf and was well-written. Great job! But starting with “The sealed door was their only…” it felt as if someone else was reading the story to me. It is important to ‘show’ the reader instead of ‘tell’. Keep the story in the elf’s point of view. Think about:

“I don’t have to remind you that this door is our only way out of this labyrinth,” the elf shouted.

“Yes, dear,” the orc responded. “I’m trying to make out the language on this lock, but it’s in an ancient dialect and I need time to decipher it.”

With growing alarm, the elf noticed more undead, entering the chamber and approaching them.”

Just a suggestion.

Give your characters names so you don’t have to keep writing ‘the elf’ and ‘the orc’ all the time. Since this is fantasy, you can make up names! *Laugh*

What I liked best is having gay male main characters. I think we need more LGBT content in fantasy stories! I find it interesting that an orc is one of the main characters and in a compassionate, heroic role. Usually they are depicted as evil beings, so this is a refreshing twist on the them.
I also liked the hook at the beginning of the chapter. Right away, we are in the midst of the action and that helps reel in the reader. Try to come up with a hook at the end of the chapter to make the reader want to read more. It seems that they found the heirloom they were looking for? What do they plan to do with it now?

Great job! I look forward to reading more about the elf and the orc!

Alex

Comments/Suggestions/Corrections:

The elf swung one of his axes plunged an axe in the ribs of one of the undead warriors an undead warrior. Quickly he followed up by burying his second axe in its neck, taking its head clean off. He kicked the body away towards another a second undead who swatted the headless body away with its shield. Taking advantage of the opening the elf rushed in and with a twirl and a battle cry added another beheading to his count. As the body undead fell he quickly turned to his left, blocking a Warhammer strike by dropping to his knees and catching the shaft in the cross of his axes. A terrible roar left the undeads' undead’s mouth as he pulls pulled at the hammer attempting to free it. The elf willed himself to stand firm, his tired arms struggling to to hold the hammer, and the fool creature holding it , in place [Check the punctuation here.] He glanced behind, sweat nearly dripping in his eye, and yelled ,.

[New paragraph]

'Beloved, I must insist that you hurry up. I cant can’t protect you from this many undead for long.'

'I'm going as fast as I can !' Shouted his Orc companion shouted, standing in front of the mechanism built into the door, sealing it.

Flanked by two statues of warriors from a forgotten time. [Use a comma here instead of a period.] The Orc mages' mages usual rough low tone of voice had a panicked edge to it. His eyes {x]}dated darted from the opened book he held and the lock.'

[New paragraph.]

I need to get this right or this place will be our tomb.'

The sealed door was their only why out of the mountain labyrinth now, the way they came in now cut off by the undead. The only hope they had to open it was to translate the language written on the lock itself. However the language was as old as the statues and his lover needed time to decipher it…

[This is all telling.]

His aim ring true and his target dropped as well but unlike the pervious previous combatant not permanently.

He gasped in pain, turning his head to see the the ugly face undead that had stabbed him. The elf gathered his strength a headbutted the zombie away. Only to turn into a shield, bashing him square in the face. As he fell to the floor the zombie warriors gathered around him, getting ready to bludgeon him to death with whatever weapons they had. Suddenly the chamber filled with sunlight causing the undead to groan and shield themselves. They were then attacked by a barrage of fire balls.
[Try to avoid passive voice. Consider: “Without warning, a barrage of fire balls swarmed the zombies, igniting their tattered clothing.” Another author might word it better. *Smile*]

I trust you still have the the item?'


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22
22
Review of Bar None  
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (5.0)
Hi, M. S. Bird Author Icon. I came across your story in the Short Story newsletter this week. Congratulations on being spotlighted!

I enjoyed your story, even though not a lot of questions were answered. Who is the main character? Who is the bartender? Who was Leah and what happened to her?

Still the story kept my interest from the opening sentence, which is a great hook. I could see this played out in a Sin City-type movie with Bruce Willis or Mickey Rourke. It read that way to me.

Great job!
Alex


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
23
23
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)
Hi, PennyInPocket Author Icon. I came across your story in the "Please Review" section and enjoyed it very much. It does get a little stomach-churning at the end but still a great read.

My favorite line:

"Sacrilege, I won't allow you to contaminate my consummate potion with such poisons."

Thank you for the chuckle!
Alex


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24
24
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)
Hi, Jillian Montgomery Author Icon. I came across your poem in the "Read a Newbie" section.

Your words convey a son's anguish over his mother's silence or non-communication with clarity. One can easily hear the hurt in the son's words.

Just a couple of things.

The past is over and I know I'm to blame 2258773

[The bitem number for this item is at the end of the first line. I don't think you want it there. *Smile*]

I'm ready to forgetand forgive.

[Add a space between "forget" and "and".]

Write on!


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25
25
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (3.0)
Hi, HeartStyle Author Icon. I came across your story in the "Read a Newbie" section.

Your story could benefit a lot from just simple spell-checking, punctuation correction, and formatting. For example, when Grace's parents are talking, start a new paragraph.

Be sure to check for consistency. In the opening sentence, you introduce Grace as a young girl, but later, we learn that she is past 16. So she is in her mid to late teens.

It's best to end with a great hook, something to make the reader want to keep reading. *Smile*

Write on!
Alex


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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