Acme's (acme) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

2,953 Public Reviews Given

3,697 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

Honest. I give my overall impressions, let you know what worked well for me and what didn't, and when that happens, I like to try and offer suggestions--totally up to you if you want to take any notice; it is your writing, after all. I am just glad to have the opportunity to read and review. I rarely think anything is perfect, so please do not request a review if you value ratings over review content.

I'm good at...

...being interested. I take time over reviews. My reviews are intimate, informal and honest. They aim to help, offer insight, and celebrate the graft of craft. I love commas. Punctuation is a personal passion.

Favorite Genres

Comedy, supernatural horror, sci-if, fantasy, thriller, detective, slice-of-life, history.

Least Favorite Genres

Dystopian glumness, romance, personal.

Favorite Item Types

Scripts. Fiction. Essays, especially academic

Least Favorite Item Types

Free form poetry. Other than that, little offends.

I will not review...

Unless previously agreed, novels and chapters are a no go with me. I am sorry to say that I haven't the time.

26

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4254961

Review of Crystal's Charms

Review by Acme

In affiliation with Write On This...

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?

A haunting tale of a woman's sad path away from hopes, dreams and ambitions, this shortie is rich in vivid imagery, wide and wild vocabulary (a real delight to a reader's ear), but ends a little abruptly. A little time spent investing in the narrator's reaction to the loss of a loved one could give this story the ending it deserves.

What are my favourite parts?

The poet in you oozes into your prose. I love it. I am a bad poet, but find that getting out my poet's tool box reaps rewards when those tools are employed elsewhere. Here is one such treat that tickled my fancy, reminding me of some of the fabulous far-out moments in Fear and Loathing:

Like a butterfly in mid-July, she tested her brand new Burgundy red velvet transporter and sailed over the cotton candy clouds that occupied her mind.

And this titillating triple example of alliteration:

its delirious demands into the fragile fabric of her psyche, until the broken boundaries of mortality set her spirit free

What are my suggestions?

Fabulous and haunting as the snapshot of Mary Beth's dabbling with drugs was, the promised story of the opening paragraph did not seem to conclude: I had a beginning and a middle with no end

Where was the narrator's story? When and how did the relationship fall apart? How did both parties feel? The narrator feels just that: a narrator, not a player in the story. Maybe these things could be visited by concluding the tale?

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

If you would like to reward this review
please donate any gift points to:

GROUP
RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group (E)
RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.
#398524 by Writing.Com Support

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

27

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4252112

Review of Into a Land Flowing With Milk And Honey

Review by Acme

In affiliation with Write On This...

Rated: E

| (3.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?

This is a moving and imagery-rich first person portrait of a personal journey toward (and with) God. This short story is presented in an unusual form of poetic prose. The passion and depth of feeling experienced by the narrator is fostered by the intimacy of an evangelical 'witness'. Time spent proofing and editing will really benefit this short story, and will be worth any effort made

What are my favourite parts?

I read verses in the bible, sing psalms, too...never have I thought I was reading poetry, which now seems a bit silly of me. Why? Well, because this particular story might be set out in verses, but with a literary ancestor like the bible, crammed with stories in verse form, I have to acknowledge that the typical structure and form associated with story writing is not necessarily the traditional way that I took for granted.

What are my suggestions?

It might be worthwhile to proofread specifically for punctuation and typos. More than one of the verses are single sentences. These could benefit from either being restructured into smaller ones, or by throwing in a few more commas (appropriately, of course), to give your reader a bit of mental breathing space.

I was driven out of Egypt that I had longed for = 'the' Egypt?

Repetition is fine, if there is a purpose for it, but outside of poetry it is often more beneficial to widen vocabulary. There are a lot of 'but now's as well as all these 'promises':
promise of a land flowing with milk and honey = repeated three times, and then these:

promise of an approaching storm

promising horizon

Promised Nation

'Just', 'had' and 'that' can often be superfluous, so have a check to see if each one needs to be there. Had and has are often employed as tense modifiers, too, so worth scrutinising them.

Allegory and biblical imagery is used far more than direct description. This does mean it is a little hard to relate to the personal side of this spiritual journey. If the writer can consider presenting the facts, acts and reactions of the narrator's experiences in conjunction with the biblical imagery that drives the spiritual journey, I think the story will be richer for it.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

If you would like to reward this review
please donate any gift points to:

GROUP
RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group (E)
RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.
#398524 by Writing.Com Support

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

28

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4251832

Review of Which is Easier?

Review by Acme

In affiliation with Write On This...

Rated: E

| (3.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?

I like how this essay on writing for children is described by the author as a meditation . Reflective practice can be a very useful evaluation tool in any profession, so why not writing? When I think of an essay, I don't automatically expect the same approach to the structure and delivery of it as to what I would typically expect from the delivery of a reflection, meditation or opinion piece. There is room to tighten the presentation of ideas, the structure and expression. The aim of most essay writing is to encourage engagement with ideas. I was engaged. You got me thinking.

What are my favourite parts?

It has to be your voice. I was fascinated by your passionate musing to self, and sometimes direct to reader as confidant. Informal, conversational tone and language do not often sit well in essays (well, not academic ones, although I know quite a few academics who have a very clear and passionate narrative voice behind their articles and books), but as soon as I regarded this write as more of an opinion piece, dressed up as an essay, I got it. I particularly enjoyed this:

I have never met an author of children´s books who did not absolutely love children´s fiction.

What are my suggestions?

Chances are, people will want to read this item because they are interested in writing for children. Some of these people may already have started writing for children and will already identify with some of your assertions; I sighed with relief that I wasn't a literary snob, but was a little crushed to come under the politically correct label. Some of your readers will belong to one of these, or Isaac Asimov's, groupings; do you really want to potentially alienate your readership by calling them names? (The irony of that question being a bit PC is not lost on me.) Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy strong, even controversial, openings to essays, especially if, after grabbing my attention, they engage in debate and academic-style argument, but there lies the issue for me: I don't know if this is a pure opinion piece, explaining why you think the way you do by only citing sources that agree with your conclusions, or, if you do really want to engage in the debate but this write is in its early draft stages. If it is the latter, perhaps a little less alienation of other ideas and a few more counter-arguments from recent journal articles and seminal works may make for a more rounded argument.

Many years ago, Asimov wrote an excellent essay in which he suggested several differences between writing for children and writing for adults, but then proceeded to dispense with each of them. In this essay, we´ll use that as a guide and add my own two cents. = as Asimov's original essay is being used as a guide, why not reference it so that those who want to look further into your arguments can do so? Who is the 'we'? You and Asimov? Are you directly addressing your reader?

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

If you would like to reward this review
please donate any gift points to:

GROUP
RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group (E)
RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.
#398524 by Writing.Com Support

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

29

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4251165

Review of Family

Review by Acme

In affiliation with Write On This...

Rated: E

| (2.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?

This is a thoughtful look at how little things can add up to meaning a lot. The author's main drive doesn't just focus on what is wrong with the world, but makes suggestions on how we can all be responsible to change the world for the better.

There is a good, solid foundation for your arguments here, but I am not sure you are doing justice to these ideas in this version as it stands. Time taken to edit thoroughly and perhaps to expand on ideas, giving examples and counter arguments, will, I feel, be of benefit to your readership.

What are my favourite parts?

Whilst some of the language is rather formal and old fashioned, it does work rather playfully here:

Today’s children play not as the children of the past

What are my suggestions?

The mention of sexually explicit advertising, drugs, alcohol, sexual abuse and 'creeps that like to prey on young children' means this is not suitable for all on WDC. I suggest a change of content rating to 13+, but please check with a Moderator or "Content Rating System (CRS)"

, if you are unsure.

Many online readers read direct from the screen. As such, it can be helpful if writers format their work to include double returns between paragraphs, for ease of finding/keeping place when scrolling.

As mentioned, I did find some of the language and syntax used to be rather archaic in style and a tad formal for an opinion piece. More informal and conversational writes connect with readers; the narrative voice is more intimate this way.

If you are describing well-known brands, you can use their preferred presentation of name:

Ipods = iPods

Take time to proofread for typos and punctuation errors:

The children celebrated holidays differently as well. , you only see the really young children out for Halloween to trick or treat.

It is nice to see some pictures used in the text, but do watch out for incomplete (fragmented) sentences:

Used to the kids would get out and stay half the night, going from house to house.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

If you would like to reward this review
please donate any gift points to:

GROUP
RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group (E)
RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.
#398524 by Writing.Com Support

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

30

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4250451

Review of Tanya

Review by Acme

In affiliation with Write On This...

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?

This tale of bullying could have become a victim of its own subject matter, but, no, this is an inspirational, uplifting tale of winning when others view you as a loser. There's little that satisfies better than a successful underdog, and the bad guys getting their comeuppance, and this tight write delivers those feel good and just emotions in just the right way. It also proves the cosmic point that what goes around, comes around...it just might not be the victim dishing out the just desserts.

What are my favourite parts?

As a Brit, I felt at home from the off. Perhaps I should worry about that. The mix of abuse and comedy was well balanced. Comedy is not only a great way to alleviate dramatic tension, but makes your characters more human-- I should say here, that the sparkling dialogue did a great job of developing the characters and adding authenticity to your storyworld, too

What are my suggestions?

A strange suggestion, perhaps, but the Englih flavour was spoiled a little by some US imposters (using 'math' instead if 'maths', for example).

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

If you would like to reward this review
please donate any gift points to:

GROUP
RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group (E)
RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.
#398524 by Writing.Com Support

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

31

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4249895

Review of Endure the Night

Review by Acme

In affiliation with Write On This...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?

This is a beautifully descriptive and inspirational story. There are places where a refreshed pair of editorial eyes could do with a proofread tour. If only you had created it in August: it would have made a smashing entry in this month's official WDC contest. Sport is always an interesting reading topic for me, as I think it tends to reveal the most intimate portraits of human resilience and endeavour. Once polished, this story of one man's last gruelling miles in extreme running is sure to prove popular with a variety of readers

What are my favourite parts?

A few observant creatures caught its figure; an animal toned with muscle and a lanky build with sprouting hair all over its chin and parts of its cheeks. Its body was soaked in sweat with traces of steam evaporating off its pale skin. Its pupils were dark and brown and dilated, as if it was on an adrenaline rush. It did not take a long time for them to conclude that it was in fact, a mad orangutan.

They were wrong.
It was Wes Bascomb, ultrarunner.

What are my suggestions?

It may just be something a little lost in translation between different speaking English tongues, but I faltered a little in some places with your phrasing and word use. For example, these places:

Like a phantom shrouded by the shadows of the night, his presence was merely an estimated suggestion than a calculated reality.
Like a phantom shrouded by the shadows of the night, his presence was more of [or, 'more like'] an estimated suggestion than a calculated reality.

His legs moved like a unicycle—endless in motion -- unicycle's peddles, or, unicyclist?

may result in the destruction of your very own mind and souls. -- typically, a soul is singular.

Over thousands have tried and failed to conquer the mountains that lay between Squaw Valley and Auburn to conquer this trial of miles. -- lie? Also, repetitious word use can indicate places in your prose that may benefit from more variation in vocabulary.

Check with a site Moderator (WDC members with blue cases), but I think you may want to increase your reader rating, due to some of your simile and metaphor references, which do include those related to alcohol. Don't worry about being 13+ rated; you'll still get lots of readers, and your content is aimed at a maturer readership, anyhow

E: Everyone
All Ages
This rating signifies that the content of this item is intended for everyone of all ages. There are absolutely no references to sex (other than gender), drugs, alcohol, violence, cursing (of any kind), derogatory names or any combinations thereof

Wes’ contrails was so immense that it frightened off the nighthawks -- should contrail be pluralised, when you are referring to Wes's vapour trail?

They have all fled from their branches -- there are a couple of places, like this one, where tense shifts muddy the flow. Might be worth your while to proof specifically for tense shift issues.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

If you would like to reward this review
please donate any gift points to:

GROUP
RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group (E)
RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.
#398524 by Writing.Com Support

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

32

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4249871

Review of I Can Hear You

Review by Acme

In affiliation with Write On This...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?

First person narrative is a good way to create intimacy with the reader, as well as being apt for this flash prose piece about a comma patient. A little time polishing this on the editor's bench will benefit this lovely little write.

What are my favourite parts?

What pleasantly surprised me was the full and vivid nature of some of the descriptions, from beneath the closed lids of the patient. This richness was created by engaging other senses, such as smell, sound and touch:

I can't open my eyes but I can see the shades in front of me lightening. I hear a young voice say good morning to me. I can smell her freshness in the perfume she is wearing, and the clean smell of her presence. It must be a new day, the start of a new shift. She is gently touching my arm and telling me that she will freshen me up. Thank God for an angel like her. She shares her words aloud, though she knows there will be no response to them. She gives me the benefit of the doubt and I ponder for a moment to think if she knows how monumental that is to me right now.

What are my suggestions?

You have an intriguing title, a powerful illustration and a good brief description, but could attract more readers if you use all 3 of the genre descriptions available to you.

There are some formatting issues that need resolving: the line breaks between paragraphs fluctuate between single and double returns, which can be a little jarring, as most online readers scroll down. There are typos, too, so it would be worth your while to revisit to edit for things like this:

are âbout the same. What does that mean , I wonder

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

If you would like to reward this review
please donate any gift points to:

GROUP
RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group (E)
RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.
#398524 by Writing.Com Support

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

33

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4248849

Review of The Swings

Review by Acme

In affiliation with Write On This...

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?

This is a delightfully creepy little vignette. There's nothing quite as exciting and slightly dangerous than amusement parks, where thrills can be so easily combined with spills. Not really long enough for me to get invested in the plot or get to know and care about the narrator, but a shocking little thrill, all the same.

What are my favourite parts?
I liked the description of the swallows believing the small amusement park was just built for them. It served as a nice bit of foreshadowing for the narrator's experience. I also liked the use of repetitious vocabulary that mimicked the motion of the swing.

What are my suggestions?

I love commas. I sprinkle them like seasoning over a page. That said, even I felt mentally asmathic with all those little pauses for breath peppering this lovely bit of prose. House styles vary, and punctuation is a very personal thing, but, generally, see if a sentence can survive without some of the commas in it. I needed all 4 of those commas in the preceding sentence, so that my writing voice went up and down the way I wanted it to inside your head, but I checked first, and I could have dropped two... Can you live without some?

Screaming kids with anxious faces, would all gather 'round. We'd all watch in hurried anticipation, under the burnt turquoise sky.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

If you would like to reward this review
please donate any gift points to:

GROUP
RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group (E)
RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.
#398524 by Writing.Com Support

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

34

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4246513

Review of THE WAITING ROOM

Review by Acme

In affiliation with Write On This...

Rated: E

| (3.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
This is an emotional vignette on waiting and the anxiety it brings. Hospital waiting rooms are a limbo land that give me an understanding of what it might be like to be Schrödinger's cat. That stretched out moment before any test results are delivered leaves the waitee with a foot in two worlds, and it is drawn well in this short story. There are places where the narrative, descriptions, and dialogue could benefit from attention on the editor's bench to polish this little gem and make it gleam.

What are my favourite parts?
You infected me with the anxiety of the protagonist by cleverly building tension and pace through sentence structuring and the intimacy of the POV. Nicely done

What are my suggestions?
You have 3x genre fields, and to attract more potential readers it is best to use them all; 'Other' and 'Activity' don't really tell us much about what you have written.

Show feelings, rather than announcing them; it adds depth and richness to your writing, enhancing your readers experience:
It had the feel of a children's waiting room, the type of room I had sat in with the children, when they were young. Was this designed to give a feeling of cheerful optimism? [...] But never with this overwhelming feeling of fear. I was quite sure it was a feeling that united all its occupants.

It is also worth considering widening your vocabulary where you notice repetition of the same word (there's a lot of 'feeling' going on).

There are a couple of places where your punctuation around dialogue is incorrect. Refer to a style guide, or, for a quick, if irreverent, reference, you could look here "Invalid Item"

Parenthetic commas work in pairs. If you don't include one, readers often have to re-read the sentence to gain clarity, which jolts them out of your story-world; I was watching as Catherine Thompson and the young women I assumed was her daughter, passed me to go back to their seats.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

If you would like to reward this review
please donate any gift points to:

GROUP
RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group (E)
RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.
#398524 by Writing.Com Support

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

35

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4246506

Review of A DIRTY T-SHIRT IN CHURCH

Review by Acme

In affiliation with Write On This...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
A compelling tale of deception in appearances, told well. A final polish to show it off in resplendent glory is all that is needed. The author does a very good job of painting the characters with a few deft strokes, and this is best seen in the sketches of the supporting cast of parishioners.

What are my favourite parts?
The imagery used in descriptions of character and setting enhanced the themes of greed, corruption and vanity showcased in the plot. Lovely writing.

What are my suggestions?
You list the intro as 'Non-E', but it appears to be suitable for everyone, so you may want to consider changing this in order to create more opportunity to find readers.

There are not many places I can make suggestions, as this is a tight write with good attention to spelling, grammar and syntax. It is a lovely read, insofar as it is easy on the eye, allowing me to sit back, dive in and submerge myself in the story world. Spell checks don't pick up all typos, so look for little mistakes: she watched as Raul Alvarez crouched and place the warm revolver into the grip of the dead man. I do like to be a little more useful in my suggestions, though, so here are some nit-picking comments:

Look for repetitious word use, as it is often a good indicator for where you can add richness to description through widening vocabulary.

His voice was deep and soothing with just a tinge of an accent. Father Alvarez' voice rose and fell with a pure poetic cadence.

I did get the feeling I was being told things, rather than discovering them. Readers like to feel clever, or at the very least, rewarded for "getting it" (the story and characters, that is). We think we are doing all the work, investing out emotions and reasoning into the writer's world, when, in reality, all the hard work is down to you. With that in mind, look for places where you could work harder, by showing rather than telling. There are a string of commonly used words that an editing writer can consider to be red flags, such as superfluous adverbs an words like 'felt': Discreetly, she looked back to where sister Virginia stood [...and...] Father Alvarez felt good.. Some writers balk at the thought of extra work, but in your case, you often go on to show more than you've told, anyway, so I think the bulk of your workload will be having the courage to take your scissors out and cut redundant words and phrases.

I have to say that the suggestions above really are me working as hard as I can to offer helpful suggestions. This story is a near to a perfect 5 star rating as I have come across. A real treat for me. Thank you.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

If you would like to reward this review
please donate any gift points to:

GROUP
RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group (E)
RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.
#398524 by Writing.Com Support

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

36

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4244179

Review of The End is Coming Soon

Review by Acme

In affiliation with Write On This...

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?

An Eeyore, dour and dispondent vampire's portrait is painted well in this sanguine story of doom. I don't feel particularly cheerful after reading it, but that is the point, I fancy. There are some places where this would benefit from further development and an examination of authenticity in the fantasy world created, but on the whole it is a tight little write, and enjoyable too.

What are my favourite parts?

Zombie apocalypse has been done to death (pardon the pun), so it was refreshing to see a vampiric one. I enjoyed the snap fragments of your own take on vampire lore and the setting up of that universe. This was very comfortable on the eye, with little for me to point out about spelling, punctuation, grammar, etc. I mention that here in 'favourite parts', because reading a well polished piece of writing is somewhat of a treat in itself. Thank you.

What are my suggestions?

Your title and brief description are good and should entice readers in, but as you have 3 X genre field options, using all of them may attract more readers.

I think you have a great opportunity to show both Amanda and her mother's characters more fully, as well as the pressures of being different and the stresses that causes, if, right at the beginning, you do explain Amanda's story world via dialogue, instead of simply writing, I listened to her soothing voice as she explained that we were vampires.

ASR may not be the best rating for this, as some of the themes and imagery is a little disturbing, like the exsanguination and decapitation of a child. Consult a moderator or site guidance as to whether this should be a 13+

I was a bit confused that Amanda did not dispatch Sally at the mass murder scene at the park, as the narration prior said Amanda hoped she did not need to kill Sally. The suspension on my belief harness gave way at the point that Amanda decided to relocate them both instead. What would it take for Amanda to have to kill Sally?

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

If you would like to reward this review
please donate any gift points to:

GROUP
RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group (E)
RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.
#398524 by Writing.Com Support

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

37

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4241978

Review of The Legacy

Review by Acme

In affiliation with Write On This...

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

An Acme Review
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?

I was so pleased to see a script entry in the contest. As much as I love your poetry and short stories, this is a side of you I haven't read too often

. Also, I know it is the Anything but Poetry, but you wouldn't believe the amount of short stories entries I get. Don't get me wrong, short stories are welcome, but I can't believe WDCers don't make the most of showing off Sigs they made, angry letters to bank managers, reviews they are proud of, or blog posts! So, yes, a real treat to get some dialogue going!

The one act play is evolving. It used to be a description for plays that were typically 15mins-1hr, and not quite long enough to warrant an interval. With lots of writing comps out there, vlogging, YouTube home video, etc., attention spans are down and immediacy is up. Now a one act play can be anything from a minute to an hour. Fine, but I am old school, so to me this would be classed as more of a sketch. But what's in a name, right? A rose would smell as sweet

This sad scene turned humorous shows the delightfully strong and interesting character of the character who isn't there: Grandma is at the centre of the story and the plot's drive and pivot. Cleverly done. There is some room to explore her relationship with her family through shared memories, if you ever thought of revisiting this write, which would mean you would have further opportunity to develop Joshua an Rebekah's characters more, as they pretty much feel less like characters in their own right, and more like one-dimensional divices to deliver the plot and punchline.

What are my favourite parts?
The plot. The pivot. The punchline. You know I love your humour. I know I love your humour. Everyone should read your comedy writes and come to know and love your humour. You have a gift, my friend. Your personal bio says a day without laughter is wasted; I rarely waste a day if a visit to your port has been a part of it.

What are my suggestions?
The Victorian-looking setting really threw me when the characters started speaking so informally to each other. Whilst contractions in speech can create intimacy with characters, it can be best to question them in some dialogue. Were we that familiar with speech back then? I thought. Maybe so, but not in most people's imaginings (think Sherlock Holmes or even Wild Wild West). I even felt a little shocked by Bek as a pet name. Perhaps that's just me being the English fuddy-duddy that I am, I tried to argue with myself, because it made me question the authenticity of the world the characters inhabited. I could feel my brow wrinkle--I didn't buy this story world... Then it hit me (over half way through) that when you set the scene as [Victorian looking], you actually meant [scene looks Victorian but is set in modern times. A young couple, dressed in modern contemporary clothes enter]. You should consider clearly establishing the scene in any re-write to add clarity on period

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

If you would like to reward this review
please donate any gift points to:

GROUP
RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group (E)
RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.
#398524 by Writing.Com Support

38

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4241545

Review of One Busy Night in Chicago

Review by Acme

In affiliation with Write On This...

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

Hello, my friend of the pen

,

It's been a while since I've been around these parts, and I fancied a bit of noir. Imagine my smile when I stumbled into a familiar port!

It's great to see a 2007 write with an edit date of 4 years later. Revisiting old writes and giving them a tickle with the feather duster is always a good thing. I think it's a smashing exerciseuu to look over old works, if only to see how far you've come and how much you have developed since then. Some of my writes raise an eyebrow as well as a smile! Could be worth a look see again for punctuation:

Chicago, the windy city, where dark secrets lurk in the back alleys and wise guys rule the hood, I sat alone in my office, as I have done many nights after closing. This very nervous woman barged into the room

Your dialogue really sparkles. It took me right into the mood of the piece and drove the tone and pace. You first person narrative does this, too. Here's my favourite example: I took another gander under the side of the blinds. Then I opened them more daringly as I noticed the goons were no longer waiting by the lamppost. This is not a good sign. They could be in the building already. Yeah, if I were an optimist, I'd say, they gave up, got bored, took off. But I ain't no optimist, I'm just a small potatoes gumshoe dick, out to make a buck and spare my jaw from some cheating husband's pummeling. And there it is: your trademark comedic core--subtle, for sure, but comedy doesn't have to be overt and when woven into a character's personality, it lends them a 3-D, flesh and blood aspect. Nicely done.

Lou Ryan is a great character. I like the accompanying art work

His voice really fleshes him out, thanks to the first person narrative. The only thing to watch here is tha that can challenge you in representing the other characters as fully. My suggestion would be to carefully reveal these secondary characters more fully through Lou's observations and interactions with them, principally via dialogue and description. So, for example, instead of Lou referring to Gloria as 'the dame', you could use other descriptors.

Be careful of tense shifts; there are a couple like the one that follows:
I didn't want to disturb the dame she looked so peaceful, but this is some serious business about to come down.

So, yes, there are still some places to polish, but ultimately this is a cracking action/comedy/noir piece that I enjoyed. Thank you for sharing

A real treat to visit WW. Thank you for the hospitality of your port.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

If you would like to reward this review
please donate any gift points to:

GROUP
RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group (E)
RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.
#398524 by Writing.Com Support

39

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4241110

Review of The Beautiful Voice

Review by Acme

In affiliation with Write On This...

Rated: ASR

| (3.0)

An Acme Review
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
This was originally written to a prompt and I am guessing a romantic prompt. That said, the comedy shines through, so if the original contest you wrote this for is ended, I suggest you change the 'contest entry' genre field for 'comedy'. Everyone loves a bit of romance, so this short story should appeal to a wide readership here on WDC. The story could use a polish with some editing. There are some issues with storyworld reality that might jolt a reader out of your tale; such as the protagonist arranging a date for the next morning and then spending the next couple of hours--presumably the same evening--doing her make up. Maybe that says more about me... I didn't think about it until just typing this review, but maybe some women practice their make up before events? Anyway, I digress. Sorry. My overall impression was enhanced by the surprise ending. You packed a lot into this little write.

What are my favourite parts?

I thoroughly enjoyed the comedic element of the protagonist moving from telling herself 'it's only coffee...' to imagining all sorts of date scenarios that spurred her on to clean the flat, buy some flowers and pick up some steak for a potential dinner for two. How she managed this before morning coffee, I don't know, but it brought a smile to my face.

What are my suggestions?

Whilst this may have been originally written for a writing prompt, if that was for a contest/writing exercise that has now ended, you will attract more readers by telling them more about the subject of the story itself in the brief description field.

It can be useful to both you and your readers to proofread specifically for punctuation typos; there are a number. I will give you some examples below. Check your dialogue. The comma after speech, where you go on to let the reader know who said something and how they said it, goes inside the quotation/speech marks, and it is always a comma when relating to this. If action follows, use a period, but do not use a period if you are still directing the reader about who said what:

"Old enough to enjoy drinking a cup of coffee with a customer". His reply was.

"Old enough to enjoy drinking a cup of coffee with a customer," he replied.

Questions should be ended with a question mark.

"How old are you anyway",

"How old are you anyway?"

Commas can do a lot, but they cannot take on the role of a period:

I had just asked this man out, what was I thinking

Becomes: I had just asked this man out. What was I thinking?

Proofread too for spelling. Not all spellchecks will pick up on incorrect words, because they recognise them in their own right, e.g, 'cloths' instead of 'clothes'.

Taking some time to proofread, edit, and--now that it is not in a contest demanding 500 words--flesh out/possibly expand, will work wonders for your readers' enjoyment of this unexpected romantic tale.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

If you would like to reward this review
please donate any gift points to:

GROUP
RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group (E)
RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.
#398524 by Writing.Com Support

40

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4240475

Review of The 16:49

Review by Acme

In affiliation with Write On This...

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

An Acme Review
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?

This short story/flash fiction grabbed my attention, took me swiftly into the story world and delivered a satisfying morsel in a short space of time. We never know what the stranger who passes us is going through, and we seldom ruminate on it, but that's the beauty of the artist and writer: they pick up the disregarded little bits of life-litter and re-present it to us to look at in a different light. In this case, that's exactly what the narrator does.

What are my favourite parts?
Life is often likened to a journey, so the train setting for the characters' journey was apt. It served as an extended metaphor of sorts; the different scenes of industrial and pastoral landscapes flashing past (our work and play); the ignoring of such scenery in the tragic portrait of the troubled youth, caught up in his own isolated experience; the role of narrator as passenger/observer, impotent to act and unable to steer from the track's path before them, only able to study and understand. Nice.

What are my suggestions?
It's always hard to develop empathy with characters in such a short write. I barely found an emotional connection to the troubled young man, whilst I did for the narrator. After all, this is the narrator's story, not the suicide's. If you are looking to develop the write, you could either look to strengthen that relationship between the narrator and the reader, or employ some more room to flesh out the young man. I suggest the former, as the underlying theme of people struggling without notice (by family, friends and professionals) is emphasised by the lack of strong character development and connection with the young man. He is a tragic side note.

Welcome to WDC, BTW. Should have said so sooner! You may notice that a lot of writers use similar formatting: a double return after paragraphs and, where appropriate, dialogue. This can be really useful in an online writing community for readers; readers mostly read from the screen, so such spacing is a great way to find your place when scrolling

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

If you would like to reward this review
please donate any gift points to:

GROUP
RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group (E)
RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.
#398524 by Writing.Com Support

41

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3951534

Review of My Favorite Bison

Review by Acme

Rated: ASR

| (3.0)

An Acme Review
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
I loved the thoughtful inclusion of pictures to enhance this non-fiction account of your favourite Bison. Good presentation of work really enhances a reader's enjoyment of it, so it will benefit your work if you proofread for punctuation, grammar, spelling and general typos, of which there are a lot. Time spent presenting your work well will make this heartwarming tale a little gem.

What are my favourite parts?
I’d slide down beside Billy, grab a handful of hair and swing onto his broad back. We trotted, cantered, and galloped a little bit. It was fun and I hadn’t forgotten he was a wild animal. I was always ready to bale out if necessary. Riding a real buffalo gave me an amazing rush. I think he wanted me on his back to be close to me. He never once bucked, and that could break my bones or he could stomp me to death with his large strong legs with razor sharp hooves. I knew better and paid attention to his moods. I felt like I was riding a giant Brillo Pad.
Your action scenes are full of vivid imagery, good tone and pace. I particularly liked the one above, because your narrative seemed so intimate; the way you rode has obviously left a lasting impression on you and that comes through well

What are my suggestions?

There may be a formatting issue your end (it could be mine...), but the end of the piece isn't the end of the piece: there's a huge chunk of blank text box right to the very bottom of the page where the site's review box lives. This may discourage some people from leaving a review.

This may be a British thing, but the 'Adult' genre tends to be associated with sexual content. It may not be the same in your part of the world, but I thought you may want to know as you may want to make the most of the genre selection options to maximize your chances of better targeting your intended readership.

It pays to take time out to proofread for typos. The less there are, the more your reader will enjoy your work. Here are a few examples, but please check for others:
He arrived on a mild Saturday at the Animal Forest in june Capital J for June.

I spent a lot of time withhim with him

brisly bristly

...and other native animals. someone gave Fowler... Capitalise at the start of a new sentence.

such a large animal can cover a the of ground Clarity of meaning is lost here.

nonverbal and scent-oriated non-verbal and scent-orientated

One good tool here at WDC is a Spell Check. It's always worth your while to run one.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

If you would like to reward this review
please donate any gift points to:

GROUP
RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group (E)
RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.
#398524 by Writing.Com Support

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

42

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3950822

Review of Tears in the Gathering Mist

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (3.5)

An Acme Review
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
This is a wonderfully chilling tale of curiosity. The title and subtitle don't really manage to convey the type of story that's about to unfold, but it's a cracker

College girls heading off into the mountains without telling anyone where they are going is one thing, the resulting horror they encounter is quite another. I love a Sci Fi tale, and ever since cowering behind the cushion watching Alien, mixing it with the horror genre has captivated my imagination. This story has vivid imagery, a strong protagonist, a solid plot and good build of tension throughout. What it lacks is a bit of polish. Time spend editing will make this diamond in the rough sparkle.

What are my favourite parts?
You manage to flesh your your characters wonderfully, not only through description and action, but by revealing their thoughts. Sara's analytical nature makes the horror at the heart of her situation even more tangible. Good writing that makes your characters leap off the page

Mona puzzled over the preposterously large mass at the end of the slide. Her analytical brain calculated the data, but the results did not add up. She knew the largest meteorite ever discovered was the Namibia iron core, weighing in at sixty tons. This mass was at least thirty feet high, sixty feet wide, and two hundred feet long. A solid object that size should have taken out the entire island, and yet, there it sat.

What are my suggestions?
Taking time to edit for punctuation, spelling and grammar will be worth your time and effort. The best you can present your piece, the less likely you are to distract your reader, jolting them out of your storyworld

If you feel a little too close to the text, it can help to ask a writing buddy to proofread for you, specifically to hunt for typos and punctuation use. Here are a couple of examples I noted:

tree clogged
tree-clogged

She dabbed at the rivulets of sweat running down [her] face

The two second-year graduate students had spotted the mountains flat top and sheer rock face Possessive apostrophe required.

brought out her fathers Army issue Colt 45 Possessive apostrophe required.

“I’m with you, but it’s going to start raining, no, pouring, Mona said. Why don’t we set up camp here for tonight.
“I’m with you, but it’s going to start raining, no, pouring," Mona said. Why don’t we set up camp here for tonight?

I am tired if carrying this stuff around anyway.
I am tired of carrying this stuff around, anyway.

“Give me your hand, Sara said, coming out of the gloom. We just hit pay dirt.” Close speech marks before the dialogue tag begins, and open them again as Sara renews her speech.

The two girls stood near the edge and shinned their flashlights into the interior ...
...She shinned the light to a large group shone

“Oh my god,” is that what I think it is?”

The femurs and tibia’s were twice the size of terrestrial bipeds. You may want to consult a style guide as where to use, and where not to use, apostrophes. I won't point out any more typos and punctuation errors, as I am sure you will review these in future edits.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

If you would like to reward this review
please donate any gift points to:

GROUP
RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group (E)
RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.
#398524 by Writing.Com Support

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

43

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3950723

Review of A Perceived World

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (3.5)

An Acme Review
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
The subtitle does a great job of acting as a blurb for potential readers and sets the scene for this fantasy romance. This short story starts with action and hooked my imagination. Dragons. Where would traditional fantasy be without them

This story could be the start of a much larger piece. It sets the scene for an epic adventure of self-discovery and battles (inward and without). The seeds of romance are sown and some fascinating characters are hinted at as up and coming antagonists to the story. It's a good start to what could be a great story.

What are my favourite parts?
She shivered as she imagined the feel of its serrated teeth sinking into soft flesh. Gnawing on fragile, almost sickly, bones Wonderful, gruesome imagery

What are my suggestions?
You may notice that on WDC most writers leave a double return space between paragraphs. This is because it is easier on a reader's eye; when readers scroll, good spacing can help them maintain their place and find it again quickly.

Your title is the first thing a reader sees, so it's best to proofread for errors here:
Percieved
Perceived

Use of metaphor really enhances your imagery and serves to draw the reader in. You do this well, but there is room for where you can take it even further. For instance, where you find yourself describing things vaguely (eg., she felt), you can edit to describe the physical reaction of your character:

The dragon thrust its wings straight down, stealing Meeka's breath, as it began a swirling surge that took them higher and higher. Flapping its wings continuously, it made them travel faster until everything blurred and it felt like they were being drawn in by another force within the atmosphere.

“I think you have the wrong person. I cannot help you. I need to get back to my brother,” she pulled at her arm desperately but the man would not let go.
When using an action tag, be sure to end speech with a period or enhanced period (question mark or exclamation). A comma is only used when the tag tells the reader how the speech was spoken or who spoke it.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

If you would like to reward this review
please donate any gift points to:

GROUP
RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group (E)
RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.
#398524 by Writing.Com Support

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

44

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3950722

Review of The Hospital Room

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (3.5)

An Acme Review
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
Nice presentation to this dramatic short story. You may want to capture a potentially wider readership by making the most of WDC's genre fields (you can use all 3). The choice of first person narrative means that you have fun throughout this with several writing styles. Most noticeable is the tendency toward stream of consciousness writing, much favoured by Virginia Wolf. The use of it in the first paragraph helped set pace and tone as well as establish narrative direction. The whole piece is like an intimate reveal to a friend in conversation, rather than a treating the reader as a voyeuristic observer. This works well, adding drama in subtle ways, as well as easy room for development of the piece as a monologue.

Compelling reading to the end, with a very human 3D protagonist, but work is needed in editing, specifically with regard to tense and punctuation.

What are my favourite parts?
Your turns of phrase are delightful and descriptive. Loved the use of simile here and the imagery created:
Angie is a small girl. She is only as big as a hand full of minutes. Blonde hair, from a box and pink eyes, from a box. She wears more make-up than anyone I know. Her hair grows fast too, so one day it's short and next month it’s long. Irritating since mine grows like a cactus.

What are my suggestions?
Due to some of the themes raised and the physically violent internalised frustrations of the narrator, you may want to consider changing your content rating, especially as there are references to sex and drugs. Approach a Moderator for further advice or "Content Rating Support"

Proof specifically for punctuation use. There are some places where a friendly comma would come in handy for subclauses and assisting conjunctions where they join two independent clauses. Also of note is a slight over-use of exclamation marks when the doctors reveal their diagnosis. One is enough. The added question marks aren't needed, either, as you've done all of the narrator's questioning of the situation in her dialogue.

You may find it beneficial to proofread separately for tense shifts; there are many that go from present to past. This can jolt a reader out of the story-world, especially in a short story.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

If you would like to reward this review
please donate any gift points to:

GROUP
RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group (E)
RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.
#398524 by Writing.Com Support

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

45

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3950503

Review of The Split Fare

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

An Acme Review
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
I'm a sucker for a horror tale, so your title and subtitle drew me in. Nice use, too, of a spooky image to add that little label that says you care about how you present your work.

This is an enjoyable horror tale that displays the battle between good and evil externally and internally. A little time spent editing will only enhance it.

What are my favourite parts?
There's a nod to M R James in the introduction, with the use of informal intimate reveal, like a confession to the reader alone, along with the language choice and vocabulary. This sets the tone, pace of the story well, investing the reader, making them a confidant. It is something you continue throughout the story, and these intimate, first person narrative glimpses into the thoughts of the narrator are beautifully wrought, if a little conflicted with the dialogue used.

What are my suggestions?

I was soaked to the bone, having had walked two blocks before spotting the cab. 'having had' is redundant, suggest removal of superfluous 'had'. Also, Welford is mentioned, and as this threw me a little, because of the British flavour to the narrative, as I thought you might mean Welford-on-Avon. Whilst I'm not sure if there is a commons there, common land is still very much in use in the UK. If this is the case, and your story is UK based, we wouldn't mention 'blocks' as we simply don't have them here, unless they're tower blocks ('half mile' or something similar), and there are also a couple of other areas where the American references are stronger than the British. You may need to be clearer about which side of the Pond this story is set.

I often proofread for tense, as a shift in tense can jolt a reader out of the text and storyworld.
I never saw her approaching the cab and likewise, determined by her reaction, suspect she hadn’t initially seen me either, because we both were given a subtle fright. suspected

but none the less, I acknowledged my dreadful luck for being caught in such a predicament nonetheless

The horror, I fear, is destine to remain, at least until my last breath. destined

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

If you would like to reward this review
please donate any gift points to:

GROUP
RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group (E)
RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.
#398524 by Writing.Com Support

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

46

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3950502

Review of Taffy

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.0)

An Acme Review
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
Thank you for submitting an essay to the contest. Whilst it felt more like an article, I like to read pieces with an editorial feel to them and enjoyed reading this one. This is a delightful musing that many will be able to relate to.

What are my favourite parts?
I found joy in creating new ways of describing old ideas and expressing emotions. It filled a need in me and I was forever looking for classes to take, contests to enter, magazines and newspapers at school to work on, and stories and poems to write. It was a part of me. And the words flowed freely from my pen. They slid like liquid and oozed into place. It seemed effortless. Writing was my dream.
And a dream shared by many! What particularly stands out about this part is the conspiratorial sharing of self with the reader, the lovely imagery and the use of long and short sentences to control the reader's pace. Also of note is that final sentence, where the 'was' past tense adds that anticipation that what is to follow may sully the dream... Ace

What are my suggestions?

But my pen was still. And the house was too quiet. And I didn’t know how I could [...]
Whilst it's no longer unconventional to use conjunctions to start a sentence, it's best reserved for occasional use to have impact. So many sentences in swift succession using the device can lead to narrative mental breathlessness. If this is not the effect you intended, you may want to consider revising it.

Personal style rules an editorial piece, but you may want to consider more orthodox punctuation here:
My thoughts start out as all thoughts do. Simple. Unoriginal. Bland.
My thoughts start out as all thoughts do: simple, unoriginal and bland.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

If you would like to reward this review
please donate any gift points to:

GROUP
RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group (E)
RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.
#398524 by Writing.Com Support

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

47

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3950499

Review of Looking

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (2.5)

An Acme Review
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
This is a short, contemplative vignette, capturing a dream and dealing with loss of a loved one. I'm sure many readers will relate, as sadly, we've nearly all lost someone close to us at some point in our lives. A bit of time spent editing for format, punctuation, spelling and grammar will enhance your reader's enjoyment of this story.

What are my favourite parts?
There are some lovely descriptions in this shortie. I particularly enjoyed the following, which painted a smashing picture in my mind's eye:
Rolling hills, butterflies, this was the most beautiful place that I have ever seen. The air was clean and crisp and the sun tingled my skin.

What are my suggestions?
Double spacing, or, as is common here on WDC, leaving a double return between paragraphs, can help a reader follow your work without difficulty. Most readers tend to read direct from scrolling down the screen. Whilst this story isn't particularly long, it still helps to format your work so that your reader does less work, allowing them to enjoy your story more.

Proofread for punctuation and grammar errors, as these, too, can distract a reader. Here are just a couple of examples (proofread to catch the others):
But tonights dream was not the same as the past ones. tonight's

I often would call out her name. Wanting to scream in pain. Use a comma instead of a period after 'name', followed by lower case start to the subordinate clause.

An ellipsis is made up of three period marks: two are too few and could be misinterpreted as a period with an extra one acting as a typo.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

If you would like to reward this review
please donate any gift points to:

GROUP
RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group (E)
RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.
#398524 by Writing.Com Support

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

48

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3950497

Review of First Date(s) - Again

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

An Acme Review
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
A Comedic Essay is a real treat for the contest. Dating in the golden years makes for a great hook, as does the the title and appropriate artwork. These little things matter: they tell a reader you've taken time to display your work well, which subconsciously invites them in with the assumption that you've taken time to present your work well within the main body of text. Ken, you didn't disappoint

What are my favourite parts?
Little parenthetic asides enhance the comedy, as well as creating intimacy between writer and reader: whether parenthetic commas or parenthesis are used, the immediate result is a drop in the narrative voice, making the reader 'lean in' to the read in order to hear the writing. It's a great skill and one you do with perfect comic content and timing here:
One of the nice things about "maturing" (the older you get, the more euphemisms you discover) is that, when you reach a certain age, what you haven't done (or will admit to doing), you've seen before.

Another real treat is your observational humour with touches of the surreal and use of the 'power of three': a comedic rule you're probably very well aware of, but humour me when I go on to explain it is the practice of tripling to make the funny (four items in a list is one too many and two is too few--like an ellipsis with too many or too few periods, it just doesn't work without the triple):
Dating in the 21st century was a conundrum to me, so I decided to approach it like any good mystery and look at means, motive, and opportunity.

Means: Without school, church functions, or friend's parties, the age old problem of how to meet someone – anyone – has been complicated.

What are my suggestions?
Your opening paragraph has to be strong. It's usually the place where people will stop reading if their attention is lost. One of the best ways to tighten your write is to look for superfluous words that can be cut, so that your prose remains punchy and to the point. One of those words is 'that'. You use it 9 times in the opening paragraph. Sure, sometimes it is needed, but, more often than not, it can be cut without changing the meaning of what you want to convey.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

If you would like to reward this review
please donate any gift points to:

GROUP
RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group (E)
RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.
#398524 by Writing.Com Support

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

49

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3950496

Review of Trapped in Insanity: A Review 2013

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

An Acme Review
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
This beautiful and tender review of 2013 makes for a poignant read that will resonate with anyone who has suffered the loss of a loved one. The poet lurks beneath the prose and adds a richness and depth to the writing. A small piece, but full of big concepts and observations of dealing with personal loss. Such analysis and reflection through storying is something that social researchers are only just beginning to explore the value of via Narrative Learning Theory (Goodson, 2010). Here the writer narrates the year using the theme of loss to evaluate their journey, learn from it and apply the lessons to the road ahead in 2014. A little time spent editing to tighten the write will turn this diamond in the rough into a precious gem

What are my favourite parts?
I am determined that 2014 will be a new normal for me. I cannot go another year living the insanity reflected in the quote at the beginning of this essay.
I adored the above. So simple, yet so hard to do! I also enjoyed the use of 'normal'--a word I often replace with 'typical', on account of having an issue with what 'normal' is. The use of footnotes is in-keeping with an essay, and yet the whole thing is so tenderly written and personal that an informal intimacy is cultivated between writer and reader. Nice

What are my suggestions?
... it became my year trapped in the insanity of doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting the different results ...

... and that was a mistake because [I] wanted different results ...

Think[ing] back over the year, between November 29, 2012 and November 29, 2013, I realize

When editing, it can be good practice to look for frequently occurring words and see if they are either superfluous or indications where your poet's toolbox can be employed to widen vocabulary. Words like 'just' and 'that' are often not needed and can be removed to tighten your write, and removing tense modifiers will do much the same.
... my year of withdrawing into the fantasy that she was not really dead and would be walking back into my life demanding that we go down to the Culinary Union so that she could start...
my year of withdrawing into the fantasy that she was not really dead and would walk back into my life demanding that we go down to the Culinary Union so that she could start...

... instead of just setting them (as if they were just resolutions ...

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

If you would like to reward this review
please donate any gift points to:

GROUP
RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group (E)
RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.
#398524 by Writing.Com Support

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

50

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3935916

Review of Witch fire and blood

Review by Acme

In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group

Rated: 18+

| (2.5)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item" and

GROUP

RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group

(E)
RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.
#398524 by Writing.Com Support

Thank you for mentioning that you are editing. As per the contest rules posted in the forum, no editing is meant to take place once an item has been submitted as judges can review at any time from posting to deadline. This does not mean the validity of your entry is compromised, only that this review may have been drafted and stored before the contest end and certain editing suggestions made may no longer apply. Please contact me if you have any further queries regarding this

This is a great start to what promises to be an exciting, action-led thrilling story and I look forward to its completion. Already evident are flashes of good descriptive prose that add to the plot and develop character. I particularly enjoyed this:
Marcus returned to admiring her house. The pop of burning wood in a fireplace, then soft humming of a sweet voice to a song he used to know well, reached his ears. A feather-like pang shot through his chest and he growled the sensation away as he stomped up to the little house’s door.

As you are editing, I won't point out all typos, grammar and punctuation errors, but will note a few instances in the text where you might want to concentrate your future efforts

He knew why he had come to Chicago. The growing city he had not seen in six long years. Six years since her, the witch who had haunted his dreams every dark night. She had haunted his very soul, plagued his very being all these years. Now, he was here for her. Here to take his revenge for what she did to him years ago. She was in the city. He knew she was her, because it was the last place he had seen the witch. Exactly to this night was the last time he had seen her. Your opening line and paragraph is there to hook the reader and draw them into your storyworld, so it pays to take time in revising and editing it to its best advantage. Starting with action is always a good hook, so maybe concentrate on where abouts he's standing in Chicago, show the cold, show the haunted look, etc. Showing not telling will also help you rid yourself of redundant words, like 'had'. Once past-tense has been established, 'had' becomes an indication of a place where you can widen your vocabulary and show a lot more to the reader.

“I’m s-sorry, m’lord, M-master Marcus.” Jacob stammered. a comma is used at the end of speech, before the closing quotation mark, when your tag goes on to explain who was speaking, or how they were speaking. In this instance, Jacob's stammer is self-evident in the dialogue, making the tag redundant. When only two characters are present and speaking, there is little need to add a tag, unless it is an action tag that corresponds with the dialogue.

Marcus smirks as he catches the scent he was looking for. Stupid witch, you should have known better than to have bonded with a vampire. He laughed softly. Try to maintain tense, to that your reader isn't jolted out of your storyworld. Also, many modern authors indicated internal thought via italicized text:
Marcus smirked as he caught the scent he sought. Stupid witch, you should have known better than to have bonded with a vampire. He laughed, softly.

“Marcus! What are you doing?!” Corvina’s eyes widened when she saw that he is taking her to her barn. Only one end line punctuation mark is needed. As the excitement is established in the first sentence of dialogue and the ensuing tag, I suggest you retain the question mark and remove the extraneous exclamation mark.

There are some large paragraphs of back story given as information. These info-dumps are useful as you are crafting your early drafts, but by the time you finish editing you may want to ensure that they have all been turned either into more active pieces of writing (show, not tell), plot and character development via dialogue, or omitted altogether.

This was his last moments on earth. 'These were his last moments', or 'This was his last moment...'

When you ask a reader to suspend their belief and accept the authenticity of your fictional story based in historical past, be sure not to jolt them out of that time and place by using phrases that would not have been used at the time, such as this one:
The smoke around them didn’t bug him.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **