I really enjoyed this poem. The first four stanzas really created a lot of visionary for me and were filled with a lot of good writing and depth. Interestingly when I got to the last two stanza's I realised I wasn't actually quite sure what the whole thing was about.
I have done a couple of read through now and I'm not 100% sure yet. This is not necessarily a bad thing, have you read William Shakespeare?
My very rough guess would be it is about some type of religious thing, as a non-religious person this is the 'vibe' I got. I don't have anything further to go on but it does come across as Gothic church esq.
On some reflection, maybe it is a poem about drinking alcohol to dull pain? My constructive feedback would be that the last two stanzas come with little introduction and a change to the flow. Easing into it could ensure the reader doesn't get conflicted during the poem, but afterwards. I much better time for a reader to be confused.
I like the story and the style of the poem and it has such great promise. The first verse is amazing but the shortness of the first line of the second paragraph is kinda jarring. I really enjoy the rhyme and think you have some great talent. This poem can be developed into something amazing. I think the main things to work on are your rhythm and meter.
I really like the imagery and the story in this poem, it reminds me of Ophelia from Hamlet (By William Shakespeare), the words and imagery enchant in this poem and I think you have a real talent for words. The actual poem and rhyme/flow of it does tend to waver through out but poetry isn’t an exact art and it takes time and practice to see what works. I think this is a beautiful poem and hope you write more in the future.
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The second and last lines of the first stanza rhyme but the timing doesn’t match. Don’t be afraid to make some lines longer than others to make it make sense.
Once upon a time
But not so long ago
Was a fair and pretty princess
Whose heart was full of woe
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Again the second and last lines rhyme which make it flow really well. The imagery is fantastic.
She was blind to reality
And lived inside a dream
She loved her man deeply
But all was not as it seemed
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Here you’ve lost your rhyming pattern and it seems to cut the flow off.
One day he up and betrayed her
Threw her out amongst the wild
These wild trees that she had loved
But instead made her feel like a child
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You lost your rhyme again and whilst this is a free verse poem and there are no rules, the flow a poem is important even when rhymes don’t exist.
She yearned for her man
And her family she loved
They all turned their backs
She was no more beloved
Then one day she found new hope
She trusted and believed
She believed she could live again
It wasn’t as bad as they had said
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This is a very sad stanza :(
But to her dismay
True love and hope didn’t really exist
Only pain, loss and betrayal
What is the real point to actually live?
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Because the time is written in 24 hour you don’t need to write morning. Which will allow this stanza to flow better.
So on this day of July 14th
Be it 0319 with nothing left to give
She will set out to find
The only real gift
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This stanza is really pretty to read.
“Its” needs a comma.
The water is calling
Its chill and true relief
She is unable to please
She needs its final release
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This last stanza is really beautiful and the imagery is amazing.
To those she had loved
To those who may love her back
I am sorry, I am guilty
Of this one final act
It's a very short piece, I'd like to know what happened before and after, it's sweet and the rhyme is good. I'd recommend adding punctuation to the ends of the first and third line or removing it from the second and forth lines to has consistency. There doesn't seem to be much of a story to the piece and I'd like to know the background behind it.
Another confusing piece, but this is rather amusing. Science doesn't always make sense, though it's always logical. The logic is this piece is a bit warped but it makes sense in a weird way. "The gravity is leaking", as if gravity were a liquid. It's written kind of like a play, if you were to put this in a book I'd say you'd have to shorten it, or add description "Miles shook his head 'this is irritating' he said simply. 'No, this is science!' I replied with a cheeky grin.
This poem is sweet, kinda confusing, but sweet. I'm not sure I get the story behind it but the love and longing, divided by aspiration and achievement seem to come out loud and strong. The form of the poem is nice and unique, I'm not sure why you changed the stanza form in the last stanza, it doesn't fit as well with the others because of it. Otherwise fantastic job, I'd like to read more and to hear the story about it.
This is beautiful. I love the description and the feeling of loss portrayed through out this piece. I'd recommend lengthening it, but that's up to the writer. This poem feels sad, as if you long to return, feeling home sick, even after many years (the seasons of the years go past). It's an interesting theme and I hope to see more of your work. I would suggest either removing the full stop from each stanza or adding punctuation to the end of each line to keep grammar consistent.
It's short and sweet, reminds me of sleeping beauty. I'd suggest adding a stanza, (another couplet) to keep with the rhyme. Something to rhyme with keep. It's a really nice piece and I'm impressed by how much you've put it so little. I'd like to hear the story behind it and I hope to see you expand this piece :)
This is a nice rhyming piece, a story rhyme, like a childs book. My only problem with this piece is that you may have focused more on the rhyme than the poem making sense. I understood the first stanza but from there the story seemed to dwindle and get lost in rhyme. The last two lines I don't understand, they also don't rhyme but that could be my accent (Australian). I'm not sure about the piece, but it is interesting and I'll be looking for your work in the future.
Knowing his passion for repairing old cars,
And his love for fiction, old books, so, his stars,
I'm not quite sure I understand the second line. Also, it's a bit long to couple with the first line.
This poem is emotional, but confused. Which is how the speaker seems to be feeling but isn't how the reader should feel when reading it. The reader should feel like they 'understand' the confusion, not be feeling the confusion themselves. This is a good piece about the loss of identity, not really knowing who we are, feeling fake and all that. I hope to see a polished version of this some time. Nice piece.
I have put some suggestions and comments below but these are all just my own opinion, you're free to ignore them as you wish.
This is a nice poem, it flows and is dark as the sin it talks about. I think you'd benefit from using a poem structure for this poem due to the nature of it. Because you're using a sin as your refrain it reminds one of the bible which is very structured, so a free verse poem pulls away from that. You may also want to look into having a set meter count instead of a fully fledged form. : ) either way it's an interesting piece and I hope to see more from you.
I have a few suggestions and comments I'll place below but they're all my own opinion. Feel free to disregard them as you wish.
I'd suggest rearranging the first and second stanza's so you're first one says 'Leaving you destitute from the very start' and the second one says 'Holding you captive until the very end'.
Seems like it should be two different lines but to stay with the quatrain you've left it as one. I'd suggest finding a way to shorten it or leave out part. "A facade of disease, a rooted seed.
This is an interesting piece, I never would've realized it was an ant without the last paragraph. It's interesting that whilst this feels sci-fi it is infact just a personification piece put to an ant. Very well done I might add. I never did do the whole 'killing ants with a magnifying glass' thing, but I've seen it done. I think this piece is thought provoking in the fact that you've discussed the 'human' as a 'sky demon', through out this I was thinking a Zeus like character and was shocked to find it was a human, but to smaller creatures it is not unlikely we have reached 'god-like' status in their eyes.
Before I go off on a rant about how humans have capitalized the world, I'll just paste my comments and suggestions below. As always, these are completely my own opinion blah blah, you're free to ignore blah blah :)
I hope to read more of your writing soon!
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This is the moment I receive for my work, my toil, my life.
Moment? Maybe change it to “This is what I receive for my…”
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I had to carry this weight from distances to great to remember.
‘too’ not ‘to’ : )
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You stay in the skies and watch while I do,create, harvest.
You need a space between do, and create. Also, do you mean ‘You stay in the skies and watch while I create, harvest.’ Or ‘You stay in the skies and watch what I create, harvest.’?
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What knowledge of suffering do you poses?
Possess :)
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For who do you provide?
This is a tricky one but it should be ‘whom’. I wont go into why it’s whom and not who, it’s a whole lot of ‘English is a confusing language bs’ but I thought I’d mention it.
This is a pretty piece. It's so true that we as humans think so big of ourselves but our lives are just a moment to a tree, a mountain, a sea line. The tree is a beautiful mark of natural beauty, I used to live to the front of a pine forest and the sheer size the trees got to still astounds me. I could have lived their my entire life and never seen a tree live to its maturity.
I wrote some suggestions and comments for this piece and I'll paste them below. As always, these are just my own opinion you may ignore them as you wish. : ) Loved this piece, very thought provoking.
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I have found as I walk through the day, the easily ignorable tree strikes me today for some reason.
Using both day and today in the sentence mumbles it up for me. ‘I have found as I walk through the day’ seems as if you’re talking about many days. ‘The easily ignorable tree strikes me today’, obviously means you’re talking about ‘today’, which is only one day.
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Some twisted and crooked as the ground they have been placed
I’d suggest using ‘Some twisted and crooked as the ground in which/on which they have been place’
In the next part I’d suggest ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while’
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. In of itself the tree does little.
You double spaced and … I don’t quite understand the sentence? Do you mean ‘the tree itself does very little’?
I'm from Showering Acts of Joy but this review wont go towards that because this piece is so short! I love the last word 'biliverable'! Very amusing, thou I'd suggest changing it to 'beliverable' because believe is spelt with an 'e'. You did this in the title but not in the piece. I'm not sure what the word (Spoosh!) is meant to indicate either but this may be a cultural difference (language difference), With the sentence "Listen Liver" the to should be a too and I think in this piece you could capitalize the word 'liver' as your personifying it.
Amusing piece which talks of a serious topic. I like it a lot! Can't wait to read more of your writing!
This is a really sweet piece. Reminds me of the polar express, not believing in Santa etc. =) I only saw a few things in the writing I would change. One being "or to continue trying to prove his reality." might sound better as "continuing to make the children believe in him." Just because you've used a child like voice for the rest of the piece and 'reality' kind of jolts you out of it.
Other wise just a few changing of the paragraphs and I think this is a really good piece. I'd like to see it longer and hope to see more of your writing around.
I read this a couple of times aloud. What I get from this is that your talking about the bible, and 'God'. That the bible says we have to follow so many rules but in the end, when judgement day comes, it will all be worth it.
I'm not a god-fearing person so my judgement on what the piece is about will be worthless but I will try and help with the piece itself. You really like the word Precept and you've used it in your refrain. I'm just not sure it is doing anything for your piece as a whole. I think rule may be a better word. But that is just my own opinion.
You've written this in free verse but I think that re-writing it to a structure may make what you're saying more powerful. Just because you're saying that we have to follow 'rules upon rules' and if you're following a 'rule' of poetry it will make the piece seem powerful and caged, like a bird waiting to be released from chains.
This is a good piece, interesting to read with many layers of story and history intertwined inside of it.
The rhyme in this piece is inconsistent but the theme is nice and the story seems to flow. Today, tomorrow, someday. It all fits. I'd like to see what you do with this piece.
Might I suggest that you change Those that we will meet someday to those that we will someday meet?.
And in the stanza where you say today and tomorrow, I might suggest you change those to 2 separate stanzas.
As always all suggestions are just that, suggestions and they are only my own opinion.
Good work on this poem, I can't wait to see what you do with it.
You've spelt completely wrong... and your capitalization is all over the place... but good question. It is always in the eyes of the beholder. Samuel Taylor Coleridge wrote a poem that is over 60 lines long, it rarely rhymes, if at all, but the words are so infectious they bore into your brain like a melody.
This reminds me of a poem I wrote once upon a time. I must find it. This poem sounds nothing like it, but they're both about silence. It is amazing how we can all feel so alone and yet we're all feeling the same things, all feeling alone. It is a thought provoking poem, it reminds me of high school. Except back in high school I wasn't smart enough to think of an ending like this, not for a poem, or for my life.
I have a few suggestions for this piece. As always you're free to disregard any of my advice or suggestions as they are all my own opinion.
My emotions binded
Do you mean blinded?
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My thoughts are no defeat? Do you mean "My thoughts know no defeat"?
I'm sorry I don't have any more suggestions, but that is because I genuinely believe this poem to be almost perfect. The imagery and they feelings behind the poem are portrayed wonderfully. They do say that the create is often a words hardest critique though.
This is so sweet and romantic, it seems like wedding vows. It is so well thought out and so uplifting. It's a great piece about love and marriage. It doesn't go into the duty you get in marriage, the responsibly but remains in the realms of love and happiness, the reason people get married in the first place.
I have some suggestions and as always I'd like to say that all suggestions and comments are my own opinion and it is up to you what you do with the advice I give.
My life was without meaning
I had so much love to give
Then God gave me a reason
Now through love my heart will live
For some reason I'm itching to put a "much" in between without and meaning: : "My life was without much meaning"
My love deep down now overfills
By saying that “ I Do ”
I'd suggest:
My love deep down now shows itself
by saying that 'I Do"
Just because overfills doesn't fit in with what your saying. Over flows does but it doesn't have the same feel and ruins that part of the poem.
I just love how romantic this piece is.It reminds me of what a young child playing with a barbie doll is thinking when that barbie gets married. These days all people talk about is the duty and security you get for marriage but it is this, the romantic, never ending love, that is the real reason there are people having their 50th wedding anniversary.
This is a really uplifting piece! Patriotic and inspiring it really hits home. It sounds almost like a song, especially with the refrain. The ending is great and your made up work "Nashvillian" doesn't seem out of place at all. I have a few suggestions and as always I'd like to say that all suggestions and opinions are just my own, you're free to dismiss them if you like.
Stanza 4:
The sunlight here blazes
We bask in it’s glory
Sometimes we amazing
Most times we a story
That’s Nashville
Sometimes we amazing? Do you mean sometimes we're amazing? most times we're a story? If not? what is being said here?
You could most likely leave out the 'yes' and 'were' in the way you mean it is spelt 'we're' as it is an abbreviation of we are.
All in all this is a great piece and it somehow makes me feel patriotic! To my own country... which is certainly not Nashville but your pride in your own home makes me feel pride in my own. Unusual but a great feeling.
This is an amazing poem, the refrain really holds the whole thing together and the imagery is fantastic through out. I have a few suggestions and they are as follows but as always all suggestions and comments are purely my own opinion you are free to do with them what you will.
I am a light
That glows with unseen brilliance
I take fight
I defy the wind’s resilience
When you say *fight* do you mean *flight*?
I am a light
To lead all generations
A lengthy plight
With hopes and aspirations
When you say with hopes and aspirations it changes the feel. Plight means difficulty. It also depends whether your talking about your journey being a lengthy plight, leading them? If so 'with' may be substituted with 'filled with'. Or are you talking about their plight? If so, why are they filled with hopes and aspirations if it is difficult? In which case it could be 'false hopes and aspirations.
I love the ending but in the last 2 stanzas you change the refrain from a light to the light. Is there a reason for this? I feel 'a light' is stronger and because it is repeated and flows with the poem, there is no reason to change it.
I really enjoyed reading this poem and I will defiantly take a look at the rest of your portfolio.
It is so sweet and so innocent. Reminds myself of simpler times! I love how much you can tell about your characters just from this short piece. The drowsy uninterested mother, the intelligent father, the prankster brother and the talkative young girl (narrator). You've done very well with the characters and with the whole, very sweet, story!
I have a few suggestions and comments and they're as follows. As always though, these are all my own opinion and it is completely up to you what you listen to what you don't etc etc.
Christmas Tree - personally I capitalize both words, but that is just me.
"I looked out the window; we were surrounded by thousand and thousands of trees. Varying in size and shape, they blurred into a hodge podge of green as we sped down the highway. We slowed down and the colors began slowly separating back out into trees, none of which I could name."
You've only used trees twice but the second time you use it it feels a bit misused, or over used. Possibly changing it to 'slowly separating until they were once again individuals, none of which I could name'. But that sounds a bit personified to me, and I wrote it. :) Just suggesting different ways to avoid using the same word again.
"Running over to a Christmas tree just about my height, I ran over and hugged it, burying my face in its branches."
She ran over? then... ran over again? "running over to a Christmas tree" - "I ran over". I would suggest removing one of the two as they describe the same thing happening twice.
“Honey, that’s not a Christmas tree. It couldn’t smell like a pine tree. You probably just wanted to smell it so bad that you convinced your mind you could smell it.”
You've gone from calling it a Christmas tree to a pine tree in the name dialogue, its a little confusing. Was there a reason for this? and why is Pine not capitalized as Christmas is.
I loved this piece and I adore the ending "with a smile and a small sniff." so cute!
Loved the characters! the imagery! all very well done. :)
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