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| Thirty seven years ago, I threw a message in a bottle into the sea, and today I got a reply.... "Unsubscribe." |
| I'm still waiting for the 2-factor authentication code... |
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| I don't know why I'm laughing; that's so sad. I tried my hand at a message in a bottle once; it came back postage due. |
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| It's October, and that means Horror... Why not get in the mood by entering S🤦♂️  's "Horror Writing Contest"  , tell him Boris sent you... (oldies will get it). |
| Cinderella Rockafella Opening Scene …. Using an alternative version filmed for Reservoir Robin ‘n the Hoods, the late Michael Madsen dances whilst serenading a broom, as he sweeps between two ugly sisters, portrayed by Alan Cumming (Clowns to the left of me), and Stephen Buscemi (Jokers to the right), “Here I am stuck in the middle with you.” GUINEA PIG ONE (Ralph): This is razor sharp humour isn’t it? GUINEA PIG TWO (Toby): Cutting edge stuff. GUINEA PIG THREE (Graham): Stop it you guys… You’re slaying me! Ralph: Wait? So Michael Madsen is Cinderella? Toby: Nooo. He’s Bert the Sweep. He did a great Cockney accent for it. Ralph [Puzzled]: I thought Bert was in Mary Poppins? Graham: It’s a cameo, the film is going to be full of them, apparently. Toby: Yes, Bert gets the old heave ho because there’s a guy who’s actually a cop, only he’s pretending to be a pumpkin salesman and because of him the Banks family raid goes pear shaped. Graham: and because Bert’s out and the floor still needs sweeping the ugly sisters make Cinderella do it. Ralph [Thinks this over a moment]: Sounds logical. So who is playing Cinderella? Graham: Officially Angus and Quentin are keeping her under wraps for the moment. Ralph: Ahh, to build suspense. That’s very clever of them. Toby: No.o! It’s because she’s still playing ‘Mummy Number Three.’ in the ‘Some Time During the Evening at the Museum and Specifically in the Pharaoh's Section’ film. It’s out for Halloween. Ralph: That sounds like one of Angus’ titles? Graham: Got it in one old chap. |
| Quentin Tarantino in association with Angus Brosnigag has finally announced his last film. The deceptively titled ‘Cinderella Rockafella’ is actually a clip show, and is mainly put together using out-takes and alternative scenes from his extensive oeuvre. Starring Ralph, Toby and Graham Guinea Pig as ‘Jules’, ‘Verne’ and ‘Pumpkin’, and Rosie Quokka as international smuggler ‘Kneesup MuvaBr**n’. Unusually Cinderella Rockafella will be a straight to Newsfeed release…. No release date has yet been given, but you can probably expect bits of it to leak out over the following month or so… probably. |
| My son wanted a tattoo. I tried to warn him that the tattooist was useless, but he went anyway, and came back with disapointment written all over his face. The guy can't even spell!!!! |
| SMASH! The door was hit with such force that it swung clean off its hinges and with a deafening crash landed flat on the floor. A giant of a man was standing in the doorway. His face was almost completely hidden by a long, shaggy mane of hair and a wild, tangled beard, but you could make out his eyes, glinting like black beetles under all the hair. The giant squeezed his way into the hut, and seemed to walk into an invisible wall. Without speaking a word, the giant ran his palms over the ‘wall’ till he seemed to find the edge, then he stepped around it and found himself in front of a very confused Harry. The giant gesticulated and pointed at Harry, then drew out a large birthday cake from within his cloak. Pushing it towards Harry, the giant seemed to encounter difficulties, the cake was stuck in mid-air. The giant tried shoving, and then pulling the recalcitrant cake, but it wouldn't budge. However, eventually he succeeded in handing the cake to an astonished Harry. “Happy 11th Birthday” It proclaimed in bright green icing, then underneath “PS: You’re a Mime Harry!” |
I'm assuming it has something to do with Harry Potter and that hairy wizard fella, but... I apologize for my cultural cluelessness   |
| Don't you dislike recalcitrant cake? Of all the cakes that could be presented as a surprise... |
I was with you all the way... until the end. The pun you missed was in Her-mime-ome.  |
| As mobile phones became ubiquitous, there was a near total decline in the number of telephone call boxes. No one felt this more than Mr. Clark Kent. |
| NARRATOR (Daniel Craig): When not Licensed to Kill, On His Majesty’s Secret Service, British spy supreme James Blond like everyone else has to make ends meet. (Despite earning quite a decent wage, James has a gambling addiction to fund.) Fortunately he is skilled in more than just the art of assassination, and spends his downtime ‘Resting’, working on building his already considerable reputation as a Swiss Chocolatier. [Shots of Blond wearing a apron emblazoned with the message ‘From Switzerland With Love’ and a white chef’s hat, whipping up chocolate in a copper bowl] Working in Gruyères, a stones throw from Maison Cailler in Broc, (please don’t try to ascertain the truth of this statement as avalanches are really not welcome), Blond can turn his hand to Crunchy Frog, (sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope and lovingly frosted with glucose), and Chocolate Frogs (don’t open next to an open train window – you have been warned), but he specialises in hazelnut whirls. Indeed Blond’s hazelnut whirls are so good that he’s recently signed an exclusive five year contract to supply the luxurious moustache trials with his spirited confectionery. [Shots of James standing, creating hazelnut whirls, behind him we can see the Swiss Alps, and a couple of hang gliders swooping about] “Whoooohooo!” JAMES BLOND (Spy and Chocolatier): Right that’s enough for this morning. I fancy a bacon sandwich for lunch. ALESSIO (Fellow Chocolatier and not a spy): We seem to have run out James. |
Why do children's playgrounds often feature monkey bars? I understand that moneys like a drink, many of us do, it's just the placement that seems odd. Perhaps 👻Trick o' Monkee👻  could enlighten us? |
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