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A third journal of personal musings |
 My life always continues to change and it only stands to reason that with each change, there should be a journal dedicated to it. |
Prompt: "I haven't lived a perfect life. I have regrets. But that's from a lifetime of taking chances, making decisions, and trying not to be frozen. The only thing that I can do with my regrets is understand them." Kevin Costner Do you often regret things and what do you do about your feelings of regret, if you have any? There are a few things I regret, but one is more of an emotional response and the other is having 20/20 in hindsight. A lot of stuff of my life that I wish were better, whether it's having a different/better job, it's more just being unlucky in time. Like when I graduated in 2007 and the economy tanked. Or how for a long time, we were always like year behind the cost of living. We thought we might never buy a house because we always just seemed to be behind the price hikes and the interest rate increases. One of my regrets is just wishing I'd been a better daughter to my parents, helped them better financially. It's an emotional response since their deaths. Sometimes I get in a dark mental spiral about it, but then I just tell myself that it's a common emotional response and I just force myself to think of other things. The other was when I was in college and I'd graduated with a BFA in graphic design (focus in web design). I could've gone on to get my Masters, but I was so mentally tired from college that I decided against it. But then I began to realize that the economy was tanking and finding a job, at least where I lived in New York, was almost impossible for me for two reasons. One, I learned design (of web design). Prior to the economy tanking, you had someone who did the designing and someone who did the coding. I knew some light coding. After the economy tanking, they combined the positions and then made it so you needed +years of experience. I did get some interviews, but nothing after. I did got a provisional job, working for a company that put wifi's in Denny's. They wanted to dip their toe into web design. I explained I didn't know any deep coding, the owner (this was a small local company) said this was fine as that's all they needed. Turned out that wasn't at all what they needed. They told a lady who ran a vacation/tourist website for a city in Florida that they could move the website to their servers and maintain it for her. They ripped the website to their computer and fucked up all the code. It was my job to fix it. I tried to explain that I couldn't, but that I should try. The website was a lot more complex and tilted into more advanced coding than I knew. If I really cared I would've at least tried to tell them that there's an ability through hosting to transfer websites, but I had already decided that just before the holiday when they took a break I wasn't coming back. It was supposed to be like 30 days and ended up going to nearly 4 months. I'd call and let them know what my days off were and would work there on my days off. So, after the holidays, I just never called back. They never called me. I never felt guilty about it. I never felt true regret until I had gotten a job working with a friend I'd gone to college with, who had gone to get his Master's degree. I was excited because it was a guy who was a lawyer who decided to create websites for law firms. It wasn't that complicated of a job, I did well until the owner decided that one of the jobs he wanted to give the client what he thought she needed instead of what she actually wanted. Then she was upset with him. Then he wanted to make more complex websites than what they had designed for (all websites had a basic layout and I'd customize it slightly to whatever the client had in mind. So on top of that, I was also getting clients that wouldn't call me back and that became my fault. So I was fired. I felt like I failed. It then got to the point where I couldn't even get my Masters, Internet 2.0 had hit and things were just getting a lot more complex. I'd basically have to start over and that just felt so overwhelming and depressing. |
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you failed at that job, at all. You gave it your all and your time. Sometimes, we beat ourselves on others' mistakes. I think the mistake was with the management and not you. 
