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 You never know what you'll find - humor, ramblings, rants, randomness- it's all me! |
This description part is challenging. I never know what I will blog about until I start typing. I do know there will be typos. I don't reread or correct my blog. Otherwise it turns technical instead of my feelings and thoughts. Trust me, on stories and poems I'm a grammaraholic, but this is freedom. Sometimes to keep it from getting too personal, I even turn my head away while I type. Weird, right?. I hope you find this somewhat entertaining, thought-provoking, and humorous.   A little about me. The most important things in my life are family, especially my son, Reese, and my husband, Bruce, my walk with God, and making a positive impact in some way. I am a teacher, currently teaching 6th grade Language Arts. While at times my job can be trying, overall, it is one of the most rewarding passions in my life.   This is my wonderful son, Reese. He is now 20 and and a junior at Oklahoma State University. I may be partial, but he is an exceptional kid with the best heart I've ever known. He makes me laugh, think, and want to be a better person. We are both huge Oklahoma State Cowboy fans - Gooooooo Pokes!  This is Reese's dog, Betty. She shares a name with my mother. Reese named her that because she was beautiful and kind just like his Nanny (my mom). I'm not sure my mom is quite convinced it is a compliment though. Betty is a huge part of our family. She even had her own blog for awhile. Poke around at your leisure and shake your head at some of things that go through mine. I always return reviews/comments, though admittedly, sometimes it does take me awhile depending on what life is serving me at that point. Keeping the faith, Audra  |
| Group Therapy for Obsession with Office Supplies? Anyone? Please? I admit it. I, Audra Lea Branson, have an obsession with office supplies, and I freely choose not to be healed. So, the group therapy brief thought is out the window. I'm kind of worn out tonight. I actually had to do outside farm work today. It wasn't bad, except it didn't kill me which a few times I was hoping it would. Like, when the mouse ran over my foot while I was moving a vehicle. Or when I was convincing myself that the pile of limbs I was moving to the burn pile would not be of interests to snakes. My nephew ruined that fantasy by pointing out the snake skin. I used to love my nephew. Anyway, so I'm tuckered out; therefore, my blog tonight will be a list of office supplies I want immediately when I see them. 1. Sharpies - all of them, every kind, highlighter sharpies, sparkly sharpies, 80's sharpies. 2. Notebooks - I'm going to steal I line I first heard when I was about 15 to describe them. 'Size doesn't matter.' It's true (in notebooks, at least j/k). They all do the trick: mini, pocket, one subject, 5 subject, white, color, etc. Ahhh, a nice new notebook. Heaven on Earth. 3. Pens - any color but red. They don't have to be expensive just have a nice smooth roll that makes my name look beautiful even when I chicken scratch it. Gel pens sometimes depending on the colors and again ability to create a smooth, no smudge signature. 4. Color Pencils - honestly, I hardly use these because I have my sharpies, but yet they still sing out to me. 5. Post-its! - love them - all shapes, colors; they are just fun. 6. Huge Paper Tablets (Like almost the size of poster board) - these are great in the classroom, and I feel kind of cool because I have something other people ask to borrow. There is much more to my obsession, but my eyes are drooping and my body is begging for a scrubbing. Thanks for reading! No Snakes or Mice In the Bathtub Please, Audra |
| Death by Essential Oils - Muhahahaha Wow! This is some come back to writing.com. Yesterday I was a virgin, and today I'm a murderer. . . and quite proud of it! You know how some days you just really can't come up with something you feel passionate to write about? But then there is Divine Intervention (which is way better than most interventions, from what I've seen on late night television at least)! That is today for me. I was opening up my laptop with no strong idea of what I was going to write, when I was hit by a lightning bolt - or more literally a tick trying to crawl under my Fit-bit! I can not explain the extent to which I hate ticks. I mean I don't think anyone really loves them. Well, there may be a group of Tick Lover's Anonymous somewhere, maybe Kentucky. I don't know why I said Kentucky; I apologize Kentuckians. But seriously, Ticks make me scream - literally, figuratively, gutterly! I live in the country. Not really by choice; well, maybe a little choice. It's where the man I love and married lives, so I thought - well, I suppose I should live there too. Some people (not the ones that know me well) may counter this by pointing out I was raised on a farm. But they are wrong. I was raised in a house that happened to be located on 160 acres of country farm. I was not Laura Ingalls (though I did and do love her). Anyway, let's get back to the insectual spawns of Hell! According to the news and everyone: This is an especially bad tick year! Do you know why that is? Because THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A GOOD YEAR IF THE FREAKIN' WORD TICK IS INCLUDED! I abhor them so much, that I had this weak moment of thinking of recruiting a posse of possums because I read on Facebook that they eat ticks. But then I remembered how much I detested possums and figured they might actually form an alliance with ticks to see how quickly they could get the non-country girl out of the country. And I have blogged negatively about possums and if possums have read it, well, then I'm already on their shit list. Besides the fact, that my dog would just kill the possum and place it directly under my car door as a reminder of why the country wasn't my first choice of residence. But I love my husband. . . seriously, I do! I mean isn't facing ticks an act of evidence. Finally, THE MURDER: So I feel it on my wrist. Mind you, I'm now convinced everything is a tick: every freckle, mole, dirt, dropped piece of chocolate. Well, this time it was a freckle with 8 legs! I had enough. This was my writing time! In the house! So I yelled, "Mother fucker, I'm finished with you!" (I think my husband was relieved a little when he realized I had a tick and wasn't directing obscenities toward him.) I had purchased Rose Geranium Oil because I read it repelled them but hadn't mixed it with the other ingredients yet. But this tick wasn't getting the mercy of a diluted poison. He was going to take it like the hell-breathing, son-of-a-bitch sadist that he was. I got a paper plate, put the living freckle on it and started the death by rose geranium oil - drop by merciless drop. He tried to scurry. I felt no remorse; in fact, I'm pretty absolutely sure, that I cackled like a mad scientist in a 1950's movie. (I do look good in black and white). I thought about reviving him so he could go warn his friends that they better find another farmer's wife to screw with because this one is psycho in a way that can't be fixed. But then I realized I just really wanted him dead, no breathing, finished, burned, buried, with no memorial. I think I come by this evilness toward unwanted insects naturally. My father did once drown a scorpion that stung me on the ass in mouthwash. Green listerine if I remember correctly. We did eventually get it rid of it. We aren't keep in the cellar for the good company kind of crazy. We are just country crazy. Wait! Did I just use 'we'? Well, well - maybe I am becoming a little country after all. See ya'll later, Audra P.S. DON'T USE ROSE GERANIUM AROUND CATS; IT IS TOXIC TO THEM! |
Entry for "The Bard's Hall Contest"  . . .I feel like a Writing.com Virgin So let's just throw it out there. . .I haven't written or blogged for hmmmmm, let's say about a year and half; despite getting reminders from WDC: "Don't Forget to Blog. You haven't blogged since The Jetsons were on television". Seriously! Spellcheck doesn't recognize Jetsons?! Great, so now I'm officially old and a wdc virgin. I mean I have written just not blogs, stories, poems, etc. I've written tests for my students, letters, filled out numerous forms (and their word counts were way up there so I kind of think they should count). But, anyway. . . I'm trying to make a comeback, find time for me, make my brain work outside the essential parameters of life, yada yada yada. It's been so long though, I think I'm back to virgin status as far as WDC.com goes. I think technically it was/is referred to as a newbie. Where are my friends? (Yes, I know, part of friendship is fostering them and since I've taken a leave of absence from. . . thinking? writing? I don't know what to call it; anyway it's my doing.) I started returning the favors of reviews I've gotten since last on here. I can't remember how to pull up my cool little review form, but that's okay - it was just the beginning of me realizing I was a born again virgin. Trinkets? No idea what those things are. I could look it up, but, you know, I'm still working on returning the favor of reviews. Also, people put pictures on EVERYTHING! I'm jealous. Apparently, there must be an easier way than before because how do they have room in their profile for all those images? Or maybe, I have been doing it wrong all along. Either way, I want to pics everywhere. And links to songs, videos, etc. But, let's be honest, I'm basically proud I could figure out my password; so, I'm hanging on to that glory. Oh, Peas and Carrots! There are more things I've forgotten or just don't know, but my husband just pointed out that the dog got in the trash outside. I would post a picture of it, but, well, you know . . . Thanks for being here for me writing.com! I appreciate you, my old friend. Audra |
| 100 Things About Me 1. My name is Audra. 2. I was named after a character on the television show The Big Valley. 3. I have an older sister, named Amy, and an older brother, named Will. 4. I have a 19 year old son, Reese. 5. I am married to the love of my life, Bruce. 6. We attended kindergarten through high school graduation together, but only married 8 months ago. 7. I am 47. 8. My birthday is February 8, 1969. 9. I am a middle school and high school teacher. This year I was teaching 8th grade English, 7th &8th grade home economics, and high school Psychology. 10. I have taken off this semester to help my husband. He suffered a massive stroke on December 31st. 11. I like outside the super small town if Mulhall in Oklahoma. 12. My favorite color is blue. 13. I graduated from Arizona State University in 1992 with a B.A. in Psychology. 14. My freshman year I attended Oklahoma State University. 15. I was a feature twirler at both schools. 16. When I was growing up my dad was a meat market manager at Safeway and farmed, and my mom taught kindergarten (and told me never to become a teacher .) 17. We live on 80 acres about five miles out of town. 18. Growing up, I lived on 160 acres about five miles from Crescent, Oklahoma. I couldn’t wait to move to the city. 19. We have three inside cats: Matt, Indy, and Ty. My son’s dog, Betty stays with us while he attends OSU. We have a plethora of outside cats and 3 horses. 20. I’ve never even been on a horse. 21. I don’t know how to ride a bicycle. 22. I detest peas. 23. I have blonde hair. 24. I have blue eyes. 25. I am a little over 5’6”. 26. I was valedictorian of my high school. (It was small). 27. I have three younger adopted sisters: Rose, Violet, a d Daisey. 28. I am afraid of mice and white vans. 29. I am certified to teach middle school Social Studies, elementary 1St thru 6th, and 6th thru 12th English, Family and Consumer Science (Home Ec), Speech/Drama, Journalism, Psychology, and I think that’s it. 30. Change makes me anxious but when it occurs I most often embrace it. I mean there is no use fighting it, right? 31. I’m not much of a house cleaner, but I love to organize. 32. My faith and love for God are what keep me going and smiling. 33. I enjoy doing random acts of kindness. 34. I love to write. 35. I’ve had a short story published in a anthology of short stories and several stories and poems published on online sites. 36. My favorite drink is unsweetened tea. 37. One of my favorite relatives is my first 96 year old grandmother, Mema. She still lives in her own house and miss her own lawn if my brother doesn’t beat her to it. 38. My middle name is Lea pro ounces lee. 39. I have insomnia. (One reason that I am writing this list.) 40. When I do sleep, I have vivid dreams, sleep walk, talk in my sleep, and eat in my sleep. My husband is a lucky man, huh? 41. I have two uvulas. It is my freak factor. 42. I love online shopping, but would just as soon go to the dentist as to go to a mall or outlet center. 43. I still look forward to mail even when I know most days it will be bills or advertisements. 44. I have been in a plane, train, and bus but not on a boat. 45. Favorite TV shows are Criminal Minds and So You Think You Can Dance, and of course, Big Bang Theory. 46. I had both my knees replaced at the same time. It was a great decision. For real, I’m not being sarcastic. 47. I think letter writing is becoming a lost art and that saddens me. 48. I love the water. 49. My favorite season is winter. I’m not a big fan of heat and feeling nasty sweaty the minute you walk outside. 50. I got and paid for my first car when I was 16. It was a blue Ford EXP 1982. I rolled it three months later. 51. I started teaching baton twirling and dance when I was 13 and continued throughout college and after until I decided to go into education. Sadly, I made more money teaching dance than I do teaching school. 52. I had state and national winners in both twirling and dance. 53. I was a three time national baton twirler back in the day. 54. In high school, I was a cheerleader. 55. I didn’t fit into any one group in school so I didn’t have that best friend forever experience until later in life. 56. In college, unbeknownst to me I taught for a man who was wanted by the FBI and was later featured on Unsolved Mysteries. I don’t know if he was ever caught. 57. I can’t stand to have my feet trapped under the covers. 58. My social security number is … Lol just kidding. I have an odd sense of humor. 59. I can’t seem to keep plants alive. 60. A far out there dream I have is to be on the Ellen show. She’s funny and generous. I admire that. 61. I type correctly (thank you, Mrs. Jacobs) and pretty quickly. 62. Given time, I enjoy reading almost anything. Well, I’m not a big sci-fi fan, but who knows? 63. I have been teacher is the year 3 times at our school. 64. I don’t know how to drive a stick shift. 65. I have always loved to color, long before the adult coloring dad began. 66. I enjoy sewing but I’m relatively new to it so I’m not very good yet. 67. I love to hold hands in public. And even kiss my husband. I mean not a tongue swapping show at Olive Garden or anything, but a reminder to him that I’m glad we are sharing this moment. 68. I have a creative side but often it ends up in a big mess I’m too lazy to finish or clean up. 69. I am obsessed with Sharpies. 70. My first word were ‘dummy, stupid baby’ thanks to my older sister and brother. They found it hilarious. 71. I had a kidney stone the size of a golf ball. Yeah, that was not fun even with the morphine. 72. My husband, son, and I are saving for a road trip to Montana. Whenever we get a five dollar bill, we put it in the tip box. Since August, we have saved around $800. 73. I think everyone should be met with a smile. It might be the first one they have seen that day. 74. Politics make my head hurt. 75. We don’t have cable, but I’m working to convince my husband. 76. I’ve been to about 20 states. 77. I love a rainy night. Thank you, Eddie Rabbit for expressing my feelings so well. 78. My music taste is eclectic. George Strait, Puddle of Mudd, The Guess Who, B.B. King, Kermit the Frog, Prince, Curtis Stingers, Kathy Trocolli, big band, etc. Just keep the rap, screaming, and classical away, please. 79. Favorite pro team is the Carolina Panthers. Sad, sad Super Bowl. 80. Favorite college team is OSU Cowboys. Go Pokes! 81. I am on my cell phone too much. 82. I love researching things. 83. I’m right handed when I write but if it is an athletic thing my left hand is dominate. 84. I think sex is a wonderful thing. I mean as long as it is consensual. Good communication is the key to…well, you get the idea. I won’t draw you a picture. 85. I am horrible at drawing. 86. My favorite holiday is Christmas. 87. I used to dislike Valentine’s Day because I think it is a set up for couples to fight and singles to feel inadequate. However, my husband and I started a tradition where we don’t get each other things but instead make cupcakes and deliver them to people in our lives that are special or people we know are having a hard time. I love February 14th now. 88. I would rather wash than dry the dishes. 89. I have changed a thermocoupler on a hot water heater twice. (The things you must learn to do as a single woman…whew) 90. I have never been a fan of physical labor or even the outdoors. But lately I have found out that I am stronger physically and mentally than I thought. And while I don’t jump up and down at the opportunities to make my body sore, I don’t dread it either 91. I can touch my tongue to my nose. 92. My second toe is much longer than my big toe. In fact, my third toe is almost longer than it too. Freakazoid me. 93. I love to buy shoes but prefer to walk around barefoot. 94. Grammar/spelling mistakes drive me crazy in books or on signs. I guess you could say I am a grammaraholic. (I know there are mistakes in here but it’s a blog and four in the morning so it doesn’t count. 95. I wish I had a hot tub, a turtle, a puppy, cable, and unlimited Wi-Fi, but I am happy and content without them. 96. My skin is pale white without the ability to tan, but my bruises do bring some color to it. 97. The first thing I do when I come home is take off my shoes and bra. If my husband beats me home, I do kiss him first. 98. I use a cpap machine at night. I am one sexy lady, huh? Lol. 99. I love star gazing but don’t do it often enough. 100. I am capable of coming up with a 100 things about me! Whew, time for a glass of wine and a nap. Audra |
| To say I'm tired is more of an understatement than saying the hulk is slightly larger than Denace the menace. If I sleep, I have reoccurring nightmares of losing my husband. They are not always the same but the theme is. I awake finally gasping for air, crying, and with my whole being filled with terror. I lay the rest of the night listening to Bruce's breathing as he sleeps soundly. It is a never ending cycle. I will be unable to go to sleep some nights for fear of my dreams. And trust me, my body craves sleep. Before his stroke, I will come home from teaching middle school physically and mentally exhausted; that was a cake waLk compared to now. Everyone says, "Make sure you take time for yourself.". Pffft! I mean in theory it sounds nice, but which time should I do that? When Bruce needs assistance going to the bathroom? When appointments need to be made? When lesson plans must be prepared for my substitute? Dressing? (Maybe that one. We can just be a bundle of outpouring flesh all day). When animals need fed? House chores? (This one is already badly suffering.). I'm not complaining; I'm just being realistic. I know it will get better. We will get the schedule down and eventually my body will adjust and all my limbs will quit feeling like the muscles and bones are having a bonfire in me. But when will the nightmares stop? When will I allow my mind and heart relax from fear? I do pray and try to turn it over to God. I wonder if the fear and images of the day of his stroke will ever diminish. He doesn't remember much which is a blessing. My mind however is a flash of Polaroid moments and pieces of conversations that weave in and out my mind daily and obviously nightly. Always leave with a positive note: Yesterday we visited a Christian free clinic one of the stroke nurse had recommended. Everyone who works there is a volunteer. It was amazing. We left with free meds that would have cost us several hundred dollars and an appointment with the head of neurology at a major hospital for tomorrow. All free of charge! People are good. Audra
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| To say I'm tired is more of an understatement than saying the hulk is slightly larger than Denace the menace. If I sleep, I have reoccurring nightmares of losing my husband. They are not always the same but the theme is. I awake finally gasping for air, crying, and with my whole being filled with terror. I lay the rest of the night listening to Bruce's breathing as he sleeps soundly. It is a never ending cycle. I will be unable to go to sleep some nights for fear of my dreams. And trust me, my body craves sleep. Before his stroke, I will come home from teaching middle school physically and mentally exhausted; that was a cake waLk compared to now. Everyone says, "Make sure you take time for yourself.". Pffft! I mean in theory it sounds nice, but which time should I do that? When Bruce needs assistance going to the bathroom? When appointments need to be made? When lesson plans must be prepared for my substitute? Dressing? (Maybe that one. We can just be a bundle of outpouring flesh all day). When animals need fed? House chores? (This one is already badly suffering.). I'm not complaining; I'm just being realistic. I know it will get better. We will get the schedule down and eventually my body will adjust and all my limbs will quit feeling like the muscles and bones are having a bonfire in me. But when will the nightmares stop? When will I allow my mind and heart relax from fear? I do pray and try to turn it over to God. I wonder if the fear and images of the day of his stroke will ever diminish. He doesn't remember much which is a blessing. My mind however is a flash of Polaroid moments and pieces of conversations that weave in and out my mind daily and obviously nightly. Always leave with a positive note: Yesterday we visited a Christian free clinic one of the stroke nurse had recommended. Everyone who works there is a volunteer. It was amazing. We left with free meds that would have cost us several hundred dollars and an appointment with the head of neurology at a major hospital for tomorrow. All free of charge! People are good. Audra
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| It's my fault. I was trying to save a few cents. I mostly convinced myself it would be invisible when used. Wrong! I got it to assist in decorating husband's door at the stroke rehab facility. I figured I would try to make things as cheery as possible; plus it would keep my mind and hands busy. So anyway, invisible tape my ass! Invisible to who? Stevie Wonder? The three blind mice! Bocelli? Ray Charles? It looks like a kindergarten that needed to repeat pre-k decorated the door. The nurses are so nice. "Oh, are you a preschool teacher?" Me: No, I teach 7th thru 12th grade. As I'm trying to get the crappy noninvisible tape off my fingers and shirt, they share a look of confusion and fear. I am kind of proud of my saying though: This is a room of positive thoughts and words. If you can't comply, say a quick hello and a quicker goodbye. This is the noninvisible Branson shutting down, Audra  |
| PRE-WARNING:THIS IS MY SECOND TIME TO TYPE THIS SO WHO KNOWS HOW MUCH SENSE I WILL MAKE. goldenautumnhad this challenge in her blog that got me thinking: Have you ever created a list of the things you are proud of in your life? Create a list of ten things... Why did I accept this challenge? I have no real idea. First off, I'm in no mental state to probably form a sentence. I am sitting beside my 46 year old husband who had a stroke 2 or is it 3 days ago? My mind is a numbing fog. Secondly, I am not very good at recognizing things I do well. According to others, I minimalize it or some other nonsense. Well, here I go giving it a shot. 1. I am proud of the job I've done helping my son become the amazing young man he is. Of course, I don't think it was all my doing, but I am proud of the example I set for him and providing him with consistency and support to have conthough,e to be the person he truly is whether the world is watching or not. To let those you love know that you value and appreciate them. And being able to write an impressive essay! 2. To have a strong command of the English language.?.? How ironic is it to question the wording of that sentence? Whether it is a sarcastic/witty comment or comeback, bs-ing my way through an essay on a topic I know little about, or writing something decent that gives me a sense of accomplishment and maybe somewhere in the world someone else enjoys too. 3. Being valedictorian of my high school graduating class makes me proud. I do always downplay it though, because I went to a small school with only 64 in our graduating class. But a 4.0 is a 4.0. Honestly though, it is more about setting a goal and seeing it through. I'm not one of those genius people who is smart in every area. I had to put in some work and quite a bit of kissing up. :) 4. Conquering well-built, industrial-strength, emotional walls. With much encouragement and even more patience from my wonderful husband, I found the strength, faith, and desire to tear down these walls brick by brick that had served as my fortress against potential pain, rejection, and disappointment. I am proud that I trusted enough and loved myself enough to take the risk so that I was not just existing but allowing myself to once again live, feel worthy of love, and actually just quit being emotionally vacant. 5. I'm proud that I have gotten halfway through this. Lol no, that's cheating..true but cheating. I'm proud that at the age of 46 I've learned new skills. Mainly, it is because I was given a home ec class to teach which is hilarious in itself. But, I have learned to sew by hand and machine, cook more than 2 meals, check the oil and tire tread, etc. Etc. Etc. I can make a pretty decent pillow and on a good day you might get your name embroidered on it. 6. I am proud of my baton twirling accomplishments of yonder years. Seriously, YouTube competitive baton twirling; I think you will be surprised. Anyway, I'm proud of my accomplishments in it, the sacrifices I made to do something I loved. Being a feature twirler at OSU and later ASU. And finally I'm proud that I was able and chose to pass the knowledge, sportsmanship, goal setting, and love of twirling to many kids for many years. 7. This seems more like a thing I like about myself rather than a proud thing but I'm running out of ideas so lets count it. I'm proud of myself for trying to bring a little happiness to others. It might just be a specific compliment or a note scribbled on a post-it, but I think it's important for people to be reminded that they aren't invisible. Who knows? Maybe they will do the same for someone else who might really need a smile that day. 8. I'm proud I loved to color before coloring was cool or the latest money making research based trend for adults. Save your research money, I could have told you what a great destressor, imagination building, sense of accomplishment tool it was for years and years. I have colored all my life -from the smurfs to the good old simple animal coloring book. And I still do. The only difference now is that people don't look at me like I'm crazy. 9. I'm proud to find out that I'm stronger than I thought I was. Moving to a real farm with real gates to open whether the temperature is 105 or 15 below. Realizing insects and mice might come in the house when I'm home alone e so I have to deal with it. The hot water and heat might not always work and you might have to boil water to do the dishes. And I can survive with a real smile ony face. I can see the blessings around me and appreciate them. I may not be Annie Oakley but I'm no city slicker either. 10. Is it cheating if I ask for suggestions from people? I guess I didn't read the fine print of the rules.:) shucks! I'm proud to be an American but I didnt really have anything to do with that decision. I'm proud that when Bruce and I picked a name from the angel tree at church for Christmas we worked very hard to make the gifts personalized and special as well as useful. I made a pillow from ninja turtle fabric with the child's name embroidered in the corner. We researched to get the most for what we could afford. We tried to focus on the little things that would not only light up a 4 year old's face but also his parents' faces from witnessing his excitement. Whew. I finally finished... For the second time. It was definitely thought provoking. Thank you, golden autumn! I'm proud to be me, Audra |
| Dear Bruce, You are always wanting me to blog so I pledge to you that I will blog every day this year. It may be shirt and complete nonsense but for you I will follow through. Yesterday you had a stroke. You are in ICU right now. This is the two hour period where the nurses change and they kick me out. I don't think you will remember much of this which is probably good. Truthfully I hope I'm able to forget some of it. Everyone has been wonderful. So many prayers and calls. And your nurse, Stephen, last night was wonderful. I actually was able to get a decent amount of sleep in the chair. According to fitbit, it was 2 hours and 25 minutes but I'm not trusting it because it says I've done 26 floors today and it is only 7:15 a.m. lol maybe the 4.2 earthquake this morning affected it. There is only one other person in the waiting room. I wonder where the other patients family and friends are. I'm not judging, just curious. I hope someone brings me a toothbrush and hairbrush today. Not that I want to look fabulous or anything but I have a kind of Medusa thing going on here. One of those times when you glance in the mirror and scare yourself. Bruce, I love you more than I know how to express. I need you to fight, sweetheart...for both of us. We have so much more to experience. We just talked about this the other day. Don't leave me, please sweetheart, please. Well, its time to start texting and calling people to update them on how you are doing. Hey, I had to use a five dollar bill for the vending machine no one was around to change it out. Grrrrr. Ibwonder how many $5.00 bills we have saved uobfor our Montana trio. I bet it is close to $600. I love you, Audra |
| Honestly I don't know why I am writing this except I have to do something. I thought I'd experienced grief, sadness, helplessness...I was wrong until today. My husband had a stroke shortly after I left home this morning and lay helpless on the floor for hours until I asked my dad to check on him when I found out he hadn't showed up for work and wasn't answering my calls. How does this happen? Why? I know I'm not supposed to question why but right now I fucking want to know why! We just found each other again. We held our heads high and stayed strong through 11 kidney surgeries in 10 months. It was our turn. We were laughing and being silly before my son and I left. Making jokes no one else would think we're funny. Now I sit outside the ICU while the nurses have shift change trying to comprehend the greif, to somehow put it in its place...wrap it up with unused Christmas paper and put it in its place. I pray. I beg others for prayers. The tears still come. The pleading of please let this be a dream. Childish wishes but yet I grasp on to it with hope. Please God, don't take him. Please I will be a better wife, a better person, I will appreciate what I have. Please God, you've given me so many miracles, one of which was the love of Bruce. Please with the rawest of feelings and desperation and fear, please heal him and give me the strength to be what he and everyone needs. I'm not asking not to feel. If this is what you need from me I shall bear it, just please touch my husband and make him heal... This fear literally grips my heart. Please God, please. |
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