Still Choosing You

Everyone will hurt you. You just have to find someone worth hurting for. I love him.

I love you in a way that settles deep in my chest,
A quiet kind of loyalty, not loud, but my best.
The kind that sees future in ordinary days,
The kind that stays steady through complicated ways.

I love you in moments you don’t even see,
In prayers I whisper for you quietly.
In choosing your name when my friends ask me why,
In defending your heart even when mine wants to cry.

But loving you lately feels heavier too,
Like I’m carrying something I thought we both knew.
Because when I’m hurting from something you’ve done,
The blame circles back and somehow I’m the one.

I’m “crazy.” I’m “jealous.” I’m “making a scene.”
I’m “reading too much into what didn’t mean.”
But I’m not inventing the ache in my chest,
I’m reacting to feeling unchosen at best.

When I say that you hurt me, I’m not trying to fight,
I’m asking you gently to hold me that night.
But instead of comfort, I’m handed defense,
Like my pain is dramatic, irrational, tense.

I patch up the silence, I reach through the space,
I swallow my pride just to keep us in place.

Because losing you scares me more than my tears,
So I quiet my questions and bury my fears.
But burying feelings doesn’t make them die,
It just teaches a heart how to silently cry.

It hurts when you shut down the second you’re mad,
When I’m left outside of a door that we had.
When you pull away cold because things didn’t go
Exactly the way that you wanted them so.

It feels like I’m punished with distance and space,
Like love is withdrawn when I don’t fit your pace.
And I’m left there wondering what I did wrong,
For needing reassurance when days feel too long.

It hurts when your friend can speak out of line,
And I’m told I’m dramatic for drawing a sign.
When he disrespects me and you choose his side,
Like I’m just a guest in the love that we hide.

I shouldn’t feel small in the place that I stand,
I shouldn’t compete just to hold your hand.
I shouldn’t feel foolish for asking you please
To protect what we have with the same urgency.

You’ve broken my trust, and I chose to remain,
Because I saw more than the moment of pain.
I believed in the man you’re still trying to be,
And I stayed because I hoped you’d choose me.

But nights feel the longest when nothing is said,
When I’m wide awake and you’re soundly in bed.
When my heart feels heavy and you let it stay,
Like my sadness will somehow just fade by the day.

It’s easier for you to pull me in tight,
Than to promise we’ll fight for this love when we fight.
It’s easier for hands to reach into skin
Than to reach for my fears and ask where they’ve been.

I don’t want to be touched if I don’t feel secure,
I don’t want affection that isn’t mature.
I want to feel chosen when things get hard,
Not loved only when I’m lowering my guard.

I love you. That’s never been something untrue.
Even hurting, my heart still runs back to you.
I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to break.
I just want a love that doesn’t make me ache.

I want to be heard without being dismissed,
To be valued in ways that I know I exist.
To say “that hurt me” and hear “I was wrong,”
Instead of debating it all night long.

I want you to care when I’m feeling shut out,
Not roll your eyes when I open my mouth.
I want you to see that my tears aren’t a game,
They fall because loving you isn’t the same.

I am still here trying. I am still choosing you.
Still hoping our love can grow into something true.
Still believing the boy I fell for is there,
Capable of gentleness, capable of care.

But loving you shouldn’t mean losing my voice,
Or shrinking my heart just to be your choice.
It shouldn’t require me fading away
Just to make sure you wake up and stay.

I want this to work. I want us to win.
I want peace in my chest when you walk in.
I want to feel safe when I say how I feel,
And know you’ll respond with something real.

Because I love you deeper than pride will allow,
And I am still here — I just need you now.

Not to fight me.
Not to blame me.
Not to silence or shame me.

But to stand beside me, steady and true,
The way I have always stood beside you.