Best Piece Since Sliced Bread

Cliche contest entry

Best Piece Since Sliced Bread

So you want me to write cliches? I was born a cliche and I’ve been writing cliches since dinosaurs roamed the earth. My mother, who is with the angels now, told me early and often that I was as cute as button, that I was sent from heaven and had more brains than God gave a turnip.

When I was knee-high to a grasshopper she changed her tune. As I ran around like a tornado in a hurricane she said, “As sure as the sun comes up you’re going to be the death of me!”. That may have been true but it didn’t happen overnight.

When I was a grown man, fifteen or so, I met Daisy. She was the light of my life, the spring in my step, I lived and died by her every breath. She was as beautiful as the sky is blue. Daisy made me feel strong as a bull and virile as a stallion in springtime, that is until she said, “I just want to be friends.”. Shortly after that I decided I wouldn’t touch her with a ten foot pole.

In my twenties I was the wiz-kid. I was destined for great things, the sky was the limit. My boss said, “You’re a shooting star young man.” and I was sure I was God’s gift to the world. My professional trajectory was meteoric. I dazzled like the sun. I had the ethics of used car salesman but, because I was as honest as the day is long, everyone knew I would give them an offer they couldn’t refuse if they crossed my path while looking at me sideways.

When I was in my 40s I told the love of my life, “It’s not you, it’s me.”, I bought a sports car, went to the gym until my body was a chiseled work of art. Not long after I met the lust of my life, which just goes to show you never know what is right around the corner and just around the bend. She was only 20 years younger than me too.

When I was in my 40s the lust of my life said, “It’s not me, it’s you.” and took me to the cleaners.

In my fifties my 25 year old boss said, “Your over the hill.” and dropped me like a hot potato. My bald head is as smooth as a babies bottom. I’m closer now to taking the big sleep – to shuffling off this mortal coil but I’m fat and happy and have no problem finding my ass with both hands.

So yeah, cliche.