A Vague sense of Nondirection

Life with undiagnosed Autism

I spent most of my life
vaguely
watching time pass
rarely interacting
with the world
living in my books
and my art.
I didn't understand the people
around me,
couldn't 'read' their meaning.
I was ignored
by other children,
or
beaten up.

This sense of disconnect
continued
into my youth and adulthood.
I worked as a nurse
interacting with my patients
but
my coworkers and boss didn't understand me either.
"That's just Audrey"
when I did something or said something off-beat.
I was often reprimanded
disciplined
but didn't understand 'why'.

For a long time I drank to escape my world
to hide
from other's criticism and hatred because I was different.
Then, one day, I found a Doctor who understood.
She determined I was "autistic".
That changed my world.
I 'understand' now.
In AA I found others people like myself,
who also felt ostracized
and outcast.
They accept my past as a drinker,
they don't dislike my differentness either.
I am finding my path as I learn to love myself
I don't need approval from others.
My life proceeds in love and acceptance.