Muddy

A poem about the feeling of disassociation.

It is hard to explain
Explain the feeling of not being able to get out of bed
Not being able to because your legs do not belong to you today
Or the feeling of not wanting to eat because your throat feels numb, and everything chokes you
Full days spent not feeling quite like yourself
Or feeling as though you're not even in your own body
Feeling as if you are just hovering over the surface of where you should be
A surface so muddy that finding the way back is impossible
Silent screams inside of your brain trying to guide the way back
The feeling of being so disconnected from yourself that you have no joy in anything
Not your family, your love, your child
You try so hard to pretend that your happy when you feel nothing
Not sadness, not anger, not happiness
Just nothing
And it isn't even your fault, but you can't help but feel like a monster
Feeling as though you want to bawl for hours but cannot muster up enough care to actually do it
Lost in a world of melancholy just trying to find your way home