Why Am I Still Here?

jumbled, rambling questions

Why am I here?
I'm alive, functioning, for the most part. I am grateful; don't get me wrong.
I am not used to "not doing".
I am not used to "not being the helper". But here I am, needing help.
I don't like being afraid of the future.
Sometimes, I wonder why God spared me. I don't like being a burden. I love my kids, and do not wish to be a burden to them.
Sure, they would miss me; but life goes on. I am sure my friends/acquaintances would feel sad if I were not here; but again, life goes on.

My mind is jumbled. I don't feel as though I have a direction, or even a purpose right now. I feel as though I am taking up space.
What is my purpose? What can I do to get off this treadmill of fear and despair?
Help me, please!

August 14, 2022