A Candid Candy

No man should accept back-sass from a candy. Dialogue only.

(1st Place - "The Dialogue 500"  Feb. 2016)

"Thank you for calling Swecco Customer Support! For quality assurance, this call may be monitored. My name is Jen! How can I help you today?"

"... um, yeah, you guys are the candy company, right?"

"Yes, sir! Makers of quality confections since 1907! How can I–?"

"You do the little word hearts, yeah?"

"Ah, our Heart Notes! Adorable, aren't they? Definitely our most popular–"

"Yeah, I have a complaint."

"Um, of course, sir. How can I help?"

"Yeah, so who does the words?"

"I'm... sorry?"

"Who writes the words for these things?"

"Well... we have a lead designer who okays each message, but many are customer suggestions."

"Yeah... and does your designer guy want me to bite him?"

"I – I don't – what?"

"How about kissing his foot? Is that his thing?"

"... I'm afraid I don't understand."

"Why else would he approve these little hearty-notes that say things like 'Bite Me' and 'Kiss My Foot'! And those aren't even the worst!"

"I'm sorry, sir, that–"

"And some of them get downright personal! How would you like being told to 'Stink Less'? Or referred to as 'U Rat-Face'? Or informed that 'Yo Mama Is Off Fleek'? Yeah, what does that even mean?"

"It sounds like there's been a mixup, sir."

"Darn tootin'!"

"Maybe you're being pranked?"

"Yeah, I thought of that. Went out and bought a fresh package at random from the supermarket."

"... and then what happened?"

"A chalky piece of candy told me to blow my own grapes."

"That – um, that's very strange, sir. It sounds almost like a bad batch – but as far as I know, we've received no other complaints...."

"And that's the kicker! I gave a box to my neighbor, to my sister, to Pete at the office – those are all fine! Yeah, they're just the standard cutesy blurbs like 'U R Cute' and 'Text Me'! But then I open one and it's all 'Eat It Goatboy'! Is your company a witch? Why me?"

"Um... I'm sorry, sir – I have no idea why this is happening to you. But maybe if I... oh. Huh!"

"Huh? What huh?"

"No, it's just – apparently our handbook has a section on cursed candy! Who knew?"

"Really? Great! So what do I do?"

"Let me see... it says, 'Bring the offending confections to bear in ranks of seven-score by seven, reduce to a fine dust and form a circle under a cloudless moon. Attend within the circle until a night-bird calls, and ye shall be freed from this affliction.'"

"... yeah, um... seven-score and...?"

"I think that's about a thousand pieces. Forty boxes should be good enough."

"Well... okay. You think that'll work?"

"I believe so, sir. Anything else I can help you with today?"

"Yeah, no. I guess that's it. Thanks."

"My pleasure, sir! Swecco thanks you for your call, and have a good–"

End