Together now, forever now

This is a poem that I wrote immediately after being diagnosed with HIV

I live with you, and I'll die with you....
We're together now, forever now.
You are the consolation prize I earned while yearning for love,
Or the means of existence!
Do I exist?
Why do I exist now?
For love? I forget how!
For self, how could I?
Look at what I've done to me!
Careless and reckless with my precious self!
I took me for granted!
For one blast at a time, one dime, one night, a man at a time.
How do you like me now I scream on my knees
Angry at no one, everyone, me.
With blood on my fists, and stains on my pillow
Stained with the many lies that I often told myself.
I scream while I pray....
God, where's my mustard seed? Can I pray this away?
We're together now, forever now....
HIV