sands of time

who would I be then?

when clouds of confusion,
distress, rise up to cover me
I long to reverse
the sands of time
into yesterday
last year
forever ago
some when--
when things were simpler
when I didn’t hurt
when I hadn’t given my life
into another’s keeping
so that he could squish
me into who he thought
I should be

if I went back
turning away choices
fixing the jagged
edges of my life
until I was smooth, unassailable
not needing anyone or anything
because I was whole within myself
who would I be then?

I am the child of time
and time made
a woman
flawed,
injured,
needing,
the edges of my being
meshing and knotted
into everything that I am
touching and being touched
even though the connections
hurt

so that even as I ache
and wish a do over
and over
I let the clock run forwards
each grain falling
as it will
into the future

line count: 42