Agony of Confusion

yearning for what you're not sure you've ever had.

With my heart in my throat
I swallow hard
and try to catch a breath
Balancing the weight of existence,
All that inspires to be.

On certain days
I am a rose
sweet to smell and
a wonder to admire.
No narcissism, only truth
for inner bloom is what I speak.

Other days
I am a gloomy cloud
dropping rain onto the
windows of the world.

Through all this I realize-

Love is absent in my heart.
I want no one.
I love no one.
How to ache for what
You've never had!
This gut wrenching emotion, as a
dagger jabs at my heart.

I bled profusely,
until I fall
into a spell of numbness.
Is this what it means to exist?
For pleasure,
but the pain to be endured times three?