Frozen in Place

I watched the horses on the carousel, wondering if they too felt despair under their mask.

“Hi, Mommy, Hi Daddy,” my little 3-year-old daughter waved from atop the plastic horse.

“Hang on,” I yelled, watching her grab the reins and kick the bright pink horse's flank.

"Paul, don't let go of her!” I instructed my 10-year-old son. Paul had not willingly volunteered to escort Bethie on the ride, but she had begged. Very few people could say no to her wide brown eyes and trembling lip.

“Where is she? I don’t see her,” my husband asked. I pointed to our tiny child waving to us from her perch.

“Hi Pumpkin," he called out as he went for the camera. John spent most of the time behind its lens, which he now aimed in their direction.

“Get in there, Paul," he called. Click… Click… Click…

The calliope blared to life and with a groan the old carousel jerked to a start. I sighed, waved one last time at my children then placed my crossed arms on top of the fence as the cycle began.

“I think carousels are so sad,” I said to John.

“Well,” he snapped “that's probably because you think everything is sad.” Click… Click… Click…

“I don't get you,” he continued. “This is a children's ride with colorful horses and cheery music. How on earth can you think it’s sad?”

“Just look at it, John,” I tried to explain. “It goes in circles, never changing direction, nothing is ever new to the horses. They’re frozen,” my voice wavered “stuck behind a mask with no possibility of...”

“Snap out of it, Hon,” he ordered as his lens swung around to capture the children again. Click… Click… Click…

But I couldn't snap out of it. My heart always felt so heavy and tears were never far from the surface.

“Seriously,” John said, “you can't keep going like this.” Click… Click… Click…

I waved to Bethie and Paul as they sailed by again, the horse's own expression still frozen in place.

“I don't know how, John,” the desperation growing in my voice. “I can't make it stop. I've tried everything…”

“There's nothing to try,” he interrupted. “Just put a smile on your face, and suck it up. I'm tired of seeing you mope around all the time.”

But I can't, I silently screamed at him. I'm suffocating from this thick black cloud that I can't escape! Why can't you see that?

We stood in silence for a few moments watching the carousel turn, accompanied by the same song. The horses seemed to be choking on the bits in their mouth, unable to adjust their position for comfort, their muscles ready to run if they ever could, and their black eyes pleading for freedom.

“At least pretend like you're having a good time,” John said as he swung the lens in my direction.

With a sigh, I looked in the camera, lifted the corners of my mouth in a half smile. My own eyes also frozen in sadness, and the calliope played on.