Leprechaun's Day in Court

A short story about a Leprechaun in "Judge Judy's Court." Happy St. Patrick's Day.

Crap! Another late lunch today. I usually try to eat in our quiet break room before 11:59, because that’s when the peace ends. At exactly 12:00 “Judge Judy” will be on our community TV as loud as it will go. There was something about her nasally voice that made me avoid the lounge from 12:00-12:30 every day.

The solution would be to eat at my desk. It wasn’t my ideal break, but at least I won’t have to hear her shrill “listen to me, listen to me” for a half an hour. I’d just go in the lounge to microwave my Lean Cuisine and take it to go.

Before I could get to the door, I heard the dramatic opening, “real cases, real people, Judge Judy.” With a sigh, I grabbed my lunch out of the freezer and check the back for the microwave time. 4 minutes. Why didn’t I bring a sandwich instead of the Pesto Chicken today?

I tore at the cardboard to quickly get at my meal, just as the announcer opened the show with “Steve Hansen is suing Leprechaun for damages to his window when the defendant broke into his home in an attempt to steal his pot of gold.”

What? Leprechaun? Gold? Well, it is March 17th. This must be theme show day.

The announcer continued, “Leprechaun says the pot of gold was his, and Mr. Hansen refused to give back his rightful property. Leprechaun is countersuing for pain and suffering and $1.2 million, the estimated amount of gold contained in the pot.”

The camera scanned to the defendant and I dropped my frozen meal to the tile floor. There was the best-dressed leprechaun I’d ever seen. Hollywood had done their homework. He looked to be about 3 feet tall, had the green wool coat and top hat. He even had a beard resembling the late President Lincoln.

Really? Reality TV has gone too far, I thought, as I retrieved my meal and headed towards the microwave.

“Mr. Hansen,” Judge Judy began. “Tell me, how did you end up with a pot of gold in your home?”

“Well,” Mr. Hansen drawled, “That little short (beep) came a smashin’ through my window…”

Judge Judy interrupted, of course. “Mr. Hansen, that is not what I asked you. I’ll get to the broken window in a minute. Where did you get the pot of gold? And watch your language.”

Mr. Hansen’s face hardened as he replied, “It’s mine, Judge.”

Judge Judy ripped off her half moon reading glasses in her signature style and lit into the plaintiff. “Listen to me very carefully Mr. Hansen. When I ask a question you respond with a direct answer. I didn’t ask who the pot of gold belonged to. I want to know how a pot of gold ended up in your living room. Do you understand?”

2 minutes and 42 seconds until I would be free of this trash and could head to my office in peace.

“Yes, Your Honor,” the now properly humbled Mr. Hansen responded. “I found the pot of gold in my wheat field, so I brought it back to my house.”

Judge Judy looked at him incredulously. Another miracle of Hollywood that the Judge could look so outraged at Hansen with a little person dressed as a Leprechaun standing ten feet away!

“You mean to tell me, you stumbled across a large pot filled with gold chips, that you did not put in your field, and claimed it as your own?”

“But Your Honor, it was in my….”

“Shhhh…Quite! Mr. Hansen.”

The Judge, followed by the cameraman, turned to the other side of the courtroom.

“Leprechaun, can you please tell me how a pot of gold came to be in Mr. Hansen’s wheat field?”

“Well Your Honor,” he began. Oh my God, he even had the high-pitched tone of a child who inhaled helium to entertain his friends.

1 minutes and 58 seconds left.

Leprechaun continued. “I store all me gold coins in the pot at the end of a rainbow. I cannot decide where the rainbow chooses to meet the earth. I would have never picked Mr. Hansen’s property to store me earthy treasures.”

“So Leprechaun, what happened when you showed up in the field and saw the rainbow, but no pot?”

“Well, Your Honor,” the sing-song voice continued, “I followed the glow to Mr. Hansen’s house. I saw me pot sitting in his living room. I, of course, tried to do the right thing and knocked on the door, which he did not answer.”

“I see.” The Judge turned her attention again to Mr. Hansen and snapped, “Why didn’t you open the door?”

Mr. Hansen said, “When I looked through the peep hole, there weren’t no one there. I thought my mind was playing tricks…”

Only 46 seconds to go.

“Leprechaun” the Judge questioned next, “how did Mr. Hansen’s window break?”

“Well, Your Honor. I tried to look through his window at my lovely pot of gold, but I was too short, of course.”

Of course you were, I thought. 33 seconds left.

He continued, “So I tried to jump up to get a better peek, and me top hat every so gently tapped his window causing the smallest break.”

21 seconds to go.

Judge Judy went back to the very confused Mr. Hansen. “So you called the police to have Leprechaun arrested, Mr. Hansen?”

“Judge, ma’am,” he stuttered, “it weren’t’ no light tap, ma’am. He threw a brick through my window and started to climb in.”

10…9…

“So,” she said, “it’s OK for you to steal his gold, but it’s not OK for him to take it back?”

5…4…

“But Your Honor…”

2…1…

“BE QUIET!” Judge Judy screamed, “Leprechaun, I’m glad to hear the ridiculous criminal charges were dropped…”

Ding!

The black plastic dish was too hot, but I didn’t care. I jerked it out of the microwave and ran for the door with that harpy yelling behind me, “Case dismissed.”

Tina B

Word Count=996
Prompt: A leprechaun arrested for breaking and entering swears he was just trying to retrieve his stolen pot of gold.

Side note in case I ever actully end up in Judge Judy's courtroom:
I actually like "Judge Judy." The above story was for entertainment purposes only.


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