for Grandma Joy: a pantoum

every time we talk, I remind her who I am

Every time I say my name
Your face lights up, a sweet display.
It’s like an awful, nasty game,
You know again—it slips away.

Your face lights up, a sweet display
Confusion lurks behind your eyes.
You know again. It slips away.
I’m left with tears I must disguise.

Confusion lurks behind your eyes—
Where love and strength once ruled your mind.
I’m left with tears I must disguise
To guard the shell you left behind.

Where love and strength once ruled your mind,
Now you are weak. And in your stead—
To guard the shell you left behind—
I keep our memories in my head

Now you are weak, and in your stead
The grown-up role is mine today.
I keep our memories in my head.
I make the rules that guide your way.

The grown-up role is mine today—
It’s wrong. It's awkward. Strange to me.
I make the rules that guide your way
Because you don’t know what you see.

It’s wrong—it's awkward, strange to me—
It’s like an awful, nasty game,
Because you don’t know what you see
Every time I say my name.


On 12 May 2011, my grandmother passed away. She will be missed.