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there are two sides to every coin |
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The Other Side of Emily By mduci Of course there are two sides to every coin, two sides to ever tree, so dear heart why would there not be two sides to someone as brilliant as me? Indeed I have always been a free and independent spirit and rightly so; even when father burned my very first journal, which of course was filled with my meanderings at the early age of twelve. All of which bespoke of my two selves openly and freely even at that age. I longed for, no; I craved for love. I yearned for a love I never received from either of my parents, who it seemed to me, had cast me aside to be cared for by nurses and governesses for most of my life. Not that I really minded being left alone, for it well afforded me the past time to dream of my passions and longings for far distant places I’d only heard about but never laid eyes on. I lived my dreams of those romantic places through the eyes of another poet; a poet I so admired beyond my wildest imagination, I called her the dark lady who lived the dream I’d only dreamt about and wanted so desperately to have that same life for me. I followed her every movement, I caught the lights of heaven living in her world, I even changed my hair style to one she wore, and it stayed that way for years. I loved her flare of writing and copied her style and form, I became her and all my passions depended on her passions, her enjoyments became my enjoyments, her lovers became my lovers and all this I did from afar. When I came into the age where one must think of marriage and settling down to have babies and running a household; I shied away, a husband, babies, not for me. This would take away my dream of being someplace else, and being someone other than me. Instead I would become reclusive and deny myself this other life; where each and all my lovers I spurned from my side. For they had not been able to bring the passionate longings of my desires enough to bind me, nor pen me to a life where my devotion was purely within my secrete journal; pages filled with my other side. In this world I have carved out for myself the perfect flower--a rare and beautiful rose which allows me to roam freely as a woman of genius and imagination, and to develop and live the independent life, a life without social stigma. The likes of taking bits of pollen from the rose as though I was a bee in flight, for my delights are foreign, and this is where I eat, sleep, live and feel my passions soar beyond this place of which I was born, for at times I found it bothersome as well as a hindrance to my other side. But-which at times I have rejoiced in seeing it turned upside down. I am a woman of much complexity and cannot be forced into being someone that I am not, for I see myself as unique and creative, with a strong impassioned attitude that is filled with great intense emotions and a mind with a lifetime of drama which includes my identity, separation from my parents and other less meaningful relationships not to mention integrity of ones self. |
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