Dirt

the first thing i wrote after being sexually assulted. not graphic.

I still feel so dirty.
I still can feel him on me,
and in me, and trying to pull off my jeans.
I can still feel the numb nothingness within me.
the screaming in my head.
the wanting it to stop but not being able to move.
i still feel ashmaed for not being able to say no.
to scream.
i still can't be touched without cringeing.
i'm still acting like everythings fine
like i did when i ran back to my friends, smiled and kept dancing.
And still.
It's not.