Black Soul

the self-hate, shame, pain from my eating disorder

Black Soul

Can I kill me
Can I strangle me
Can I sever the throat that spills my guts into a toilet instead of a heart.
Can I rub gasoline all over my body,
Set fire to this raging heart that burns for eternity.
Can I lick the nuclear infected dirt
That’s not good enough to feed worms.
Can I die now.
Can I just hang onto a rope,
Fall into a canyon,
And die with a broken body to match my broken heart.

I hate you
Despise you
Love you.
All I want is an end;.
To the turmoil
To the hiding
To the secrets
And to the judgment.

I am black,
Black like death,
And blacker than a rumor.
But somewhere
Deep down,
Only you deserve to love me,
Because only you know the truth;
Know the blood,
The vomit stains,
The empty wrappers.
And only you
Will enable me,
Not scold me like a two-year old,
But call me your own
Hug me with tears.

Only with someone,
Whether real or imagined,
Can I survive the bitterness pain and sadness.
That someone is my blood-sucking foe;
Energy-draining,
Acid-spilling,
Self-violating
Monster that I will never stop loving.