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Review #4842238
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 The Tale of an Adventure Gone Wrong Open in new Window. [E]
Friends, three bears set out on an adventure, but the outcome is so unexpected!
by The Uplifting Essayist Author Icon
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#4842238
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Greetings and welcome to writing.com!

I know you dropped this in my notebook recently, but I've been so busy, I can't find it there anymore. Luckily, it's right here in your portfolio *Smile*

This is an amusing and exciting story with a fun premise and a solid beginning, middle and ending. May I ask if the U ending of proper names in your native language is a form of endearment or adding "cuteness," or is it an ordinary convention? I'm thinking like how we might call a Peter "Petey" or a Susan "Susie" in English.

I enjoyed this story and have several suggestions for fine-tuning it. For one thing, you don't always have to remind children of how "cute" the bears are by repeating the word (three times in your title and subtitle.) You can pause a moment in the beginning to describe their big round eyes and thick fluffy fur, along with the tiny snouts and maybe the padded paws of the little cubs. Their physical appearance is enough to be cute without overusing the word.

Second, your phrase "sweet a lullaby" is not a standard use of English. "Sweet" is a description, not an action. You can say she "crooned" or "hummed" a song for the little ones.

Third, I noticed you call them "kids," which is sort of cute but might perhaps be confusing, misleading or imprecise. I would recommend being consistent and calling them "cubs," the official biological term, throughout the story.

Fourth, I noticed the age level of your vocabulary has some inconsistencies. You use the word "calibrated," which is usually considered highly technical. You can say they climbed the tree in a "calculated," "careful" or "measured" way instead. The phrase "all hell broke loose" is also considered a bit mature for kids. You can leave out the phrase entirely and instead emphasize the audiovisual aspect of the sudden bee attack, by saying something like "swarms of angry bees poured out, buzzing deafeningly and overwhelming their natural defenses."

Another thing I noticed is that you don't specifically mention the muddy pond until the cub has to hide himself in it. This creates an inconsistency. You should foreshadow the situation by describing where the tree is situated at the beginning, so we understand where the bear cub is when the time comes. Alongside that, you may want to mention that when they crossed the river to return home (did they? I assumed they did, but it isn't directly mentioned) that would provide an opportunity to bathe the muddy cub and soothe their stings with the cool water.

I really liked this story. I'm glad I had the opportunity to read it and offer you some potentially helpful thoughts.

Take care, thanks for sharing and keep writing *Smile* *HeartT*


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