On a personal note, as soon as I saw the dropnote with the tag “inspiring song,” I already knew it was going to be one of a select number of bands!

Okay, on to business.

This was a good story, and a good setting, and the plot easy to follow. When I was a tween (if that term is still in use), I could see this story being nestled between my copies of Encyclopedia Brown and The Boxcar Children.

Just a few suggestions:

It's a pile of dirty stones. In ancient times

When the word “ancient” gets used, I’m automatically thinking Roman, Persians, Babylonians…along those times. But then Pedro talks about it being unoccupied for seven centuries, so I do a quick adjustment of mental gears. I’d have Jose use the word “medieval” to put a good mental setting for the reader. Since Jose uses the word “Visigoths” a few sentences down, I think “medieval” could also be in his vocabulary.

“I… I just feel like I should know about it. I see it every day.”

Jose remembered Pedro's missing parents. He thought of his own mother,

This was a jarring transition to me. One second, Jose is asking Pedro why he’s so fascinated with the ruins, the next, he’s thinking about Pedro’s missing parents. But we don’t learn about that connection until later on in the story. To me, it woukd make more sense to add this part in when Jose is telling Pedro they should collect the firewood before Jose’s mother starts worrying. Then it could be something like, “Thinking about his own mother made him think about Pedro’s missing parents.” Something along those lines.

“Where do we dig?” Pedro stared at the map.

“Come this way, sweetie.”

When I first read this, my first thought was, okay, Jose is calling Pedro “kid” and now he’s calling him “sweetie”?

Of course, we drop down to the next line and discover it’s the ghost of Pedro’s mother. But I think the transition could flow better if you added something like “A dulcet voice said” or something along these lines: so the reader immediately knows someone else has joined the scene.

But overall, good story



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .