Hi, Matt Wii:



It's a quiet Wednesday afternoon for me. This gives me a chance to go through ports and find something to read and offer my input.
Here are some comments to consider when revisiting it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
*Content
*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation
*Point of View (POV)
*Element of Conflict
*Climax
Spelling
Realizing that you're in Chapter 5, I will merely focus on the issue I am dealing with as I go through this story.
Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity - until I found out I'm reading Chapter 5:

The further he drove, the more David tended to believe that this was all related to The Hopper. [I need an explanation of what The Hopper is in the context of your story.]
David made sure to park a little out of the way from the house to best ensure The Hopper didn’t notice him if it was still there. [The person who issues parking tickets?]

David instantly knew he was face-to-face with The Hopper.[?]

I guess, I need to go back and read the first four chapters to find who or what The Hopper was all about.


empty… for the most part. [Uses of ellipsis - Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.
First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.
The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.
If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period.
If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.
If you are deleting one or more words from the end of a quotation that has the status of a grammatically complete sentence and that ends with a question mark or an exclamation point, position the terminal punctuation mark after the ellipses.
]

Inside the containers was a mix of random items [correct verb use - were]

It seems the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. [Cliche: Try to stay away from using cliches.]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author; they make the reader participate in the action as it moves.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics of writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away The story is moving and is a page turner; although, because I haven't read the first four chapters, I have a few questions needing answers.

Keep going, Matt. I may go back and read what I missed so I can follow the story to its end.







My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .