Hi. thanks for asking me to read your story. I enjoyed it quite a lot.

At 8000 words, this is a little long for an in-depth review. I find that my concentration lags after 4000 words or so and the review quality drops signficantly, so I stopped about midway, at after chapter 4. If you want me to read and critique the rest, let me know, but I think you're doing really well with this.

To start with, it's still got the amazing descriptions that so impressed me when I first read your work. However you're crafting these, keep this up. They are amazing, and feel original and vivid.

I'm also impressed with how well you've incorporated third person limited into the narrative. I found only one spot that's still a head-hop, and one other that might be tightened up a bit. What I did find were a few nit-picks about staying in the here-and-now, but these are relatively minor. Assuming you agree and think they NEED fixed, they are easy to repair.

Overall, I think this steams with tension and nuance, and is a terrific and well-writen story as it stands. It's kind of amazing that you've so thoroughly and quickly absorbed third person limited.

Item Reviewed: "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                           
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                           
What I liked best
The descriptions. All of them. Here's just one of many examples:
Todd closed his hand around the match and listened. The night stitched itself closed. Somewhere an engine idled in a distant driveway. He turned off the light and let his eyes gather what they could—fence, ditch. Then he went back inside.
The night "stitching itself closed" is really an amazing, vivid, and creative description. And these kinds of things appear everywhere in your prose. Whatever you're doing to get this, keep it up.

                                                           
Opening
Your new opening puts us in Elena's head, suggests her goals, stakes, and obstacles, reveals what kind of story this will be, starts with action (boy, does it ever!), and in general is excellent.

I made one quibble in the line-by-line remarks below about what felt like a tiny time reversal, but that's minor.

                                                           
Plot
Elena's running away. From what we know by the end of chapter 4, she's one of several women who are being held in captivity by a criminal gang. We also know that the local police are compromised and collaborating with the van. We get some suggesions about Todd's history (a plane crash that probably killed his wife and daughter.) There is also really awesome characterization of Todd, Elena (the runaway), and the reporter.

                                                           
Style and Voice
Third person limited. At the outset, we're in Elena's head. For chapters 2-4, we're in Todd's head. Only one slip that I saw. Good job with POV transtion from Elena in Chapter 1 to Todd in Chapter 2, although--again--I made a minor nitpick in the line-by-line comments about continuity in the here-and-now. The nit-pick is nothing major and more of a matter of taste and style than substance.

                                                           
Scene/Setting
Awesome work here, having the characters interact with the scene as a way of setting the scene. Great detail, too.

                                                           
Characters
As I noted above, you've got a nuanced voice in revealing character through words and deeds and, in the case of the POV character, internal reactions and thoughts.

                                                           
Grammar
I think I found a couple of possible typos--see the line-by-line comments.

                                                           
Just my personal opinion
I really enjoyed reading this. In fact, I *learned* from reading it--your descriptions are that good. In my view, this is publishable as it stands, although there are a few places where it might benefit from additional polish. It's also kind of long, so finding a market might be problematic, but it's *really* good.

Again, virtually all of the line-by-line comments are nit-picks and are more matters of taste and style than dealing with substance. Many of the comments deal with staying in the here-and-now, which is something that I've had to learn. It's also something my most perceptive and early critics hammered me on, so I'm probably overly sensistive to it today.

                                                           
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                           

She stumbled, barely keeping her footing as a semi roared past, throwing spray like a wall. My Comment: So I think the sequence you’re describing is: the semi roars past, sprays her with spray, making her stumble. Is that right? If so, show the events in the order in which they occurred. If not, if she first stumbles, and THEN the semi roars past, don’t connect them in the same sentence since it makes the sequencing ambiguous. Also, short sentences are good—they read faster and hence suggest a quick pace in the here-and-now of the story, but too many together become choppy. Thus, it was a good strategy to have the longer sentence, except for the sequencing issue.

once the tire was changed.My Comment: Minor point: this is passive voice, which puts the readers in a passive mood. Better to say “once Caleb changed the tire.”

She hadn’t looked back since leaving the van. She didn’t dare.My Comment: This whole paragraph launches a time reversal. Better to stay in the here-and-now. Do the readers need to know this to understand what’s happening? No—they just need to know she’s fleeing. The new bit here—Caleb’s name—you could insert as above.

Her sneakers slapped asphalt. My Comment: Lots of great sensory information in this paragraph, and it all reads like she’s experiencing it--good job!

When the garage’s security light glowed, tears blurred her sight.My Comment: Great job here reminding us we’re in her head. This sets up the rest of the paragraph as stuff she’s seen. Impressive.

Todd had almost closed the side door when he saw her.My Comment: This is me, whining about the here-and-now again.

Puts us in Todd’s head, but I think you need a stronger link to the here-and-now of the prior chapter. Indeed, the “had” involves another time reversal. So, my suggestion is to start with Todd hesitating, his hand on the side door, peering at the rain-blurred visage of the girl outside. That connects exactly with what she was seeing in the prior chapter with addition of Todd’s name, so it continues seamlessly with where the here-and-now of the last chapter left off. What happens here is that we’ve slipped into Todd’s head (he’s acting, i.e., hesitating, and maybe also peering or even squinting) If you can squeeze in something subject—like rain-blurred, but you can do better—that would help.

Shop’s closed, he said, My Comment: If he said it, put it in quotes.

But something in her eyes caught him—wide, pleading, not empty yet. He knew that look. He hated knowing it.My Comment: awesome phrasing here…reveals so much about what he sees, about his character, and adds tension.

and deliberately avoided meeting his eyes. My Comment: The “deliberately” feels like a tiny slip, since it tells us WHY she avoided his eyes, i.e., puts us in her head. What HE sees is that she avoided meeting his eyes. If could add “as if on purpose,” but I’d not.

'From where? From who?’My Comment: Not sure why this is in italics. Maybe a typo, left over from an earlier draft?

Chapter 3 — The Reporter at the Door (Todd POV)My Comment: I assume you added the (Todd POV) to cue reviewers that you intended to shift POV. Not needed in the for-readers version, but if you want, you could just add the name in italics under the chapter title, omitting POV which readers are unlikely to recognize.

By noon, he told himself, she’d be gone. My Comment: no need for the “he told himself.” You’ve put us in his head, so readers will infer he’s thinking this. That little step of inference in fact *helps* keep them in his head.

“A girl was seen on Nineteen last night. Someone said she banged on this door.”My Comment: Passive voice in the first sentence. So…Someone saw a girl on Nineteen last night. They said…

“They ‘someone’ ought to mind their business.”My Comment: Typo?

He heard the faint click of a recorder and watched her decide against it. My Comment: another nice turn of phrase, keeping us in his head by revealing what he deduced.

A latch gave inside her. My Comment: Only real POV shift I’ve seen—this clearly jumps inside Elena’s head.

Folders appeared Todd couldn't make out from where he sat.My Comment: Something seems amiss here. Maybe…but Todd couldn’t make out the names from where he sat…?

That takes me to the end of chapter 4. It's really awesome!!!!


                                                           

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
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Thoughts on Writing  (NPL) Short essays on the craft of fiction. #1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .