%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4819656 |
 | A Redheaded Disaster  [ASR] Who would of thought being on a train could end up like this?  |
| (3.0)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: That was a fast paced and engaging story with a surprising twist! The story immediately placed readers in a chaotic, high-stakes situation, and the ‘redhead’ was a memorable character who added unpredictability to the tale. There was a lot of energy in this story and I thought especially the passengers’ panic came across very well.  Suggestions: There were several grammatical errors, and the story would benefit from an edit. I’ll point out the most common ones:  Punctuation errors (especially in Dialogue)When dialogue is followed by a tag (he said, she shouted, etc.), use a comma inside the speech marks, and keep the tag in lowercase unless it’s a proper noun. For example, in this sentence, Hey, I’m talking to you.” The conductor fumed, the period should be a comma, and “the” should not be capitalised. Also, when there is a direct address in a sentence, it needs to be set off with a comma, for example here: Hey Lady! which should be “Hey, lady!” (and “lady” should not be capitalised).  Tense changesThe story was written in past tense, but a few times you slipped into present tense, for example here, She pushes through the crowded isle of newly boarded passengers which should be, "She pushed". Also, it should be "aisle". ClarityThere were some sentences that weren’t very clear, for example this one, The next thing I knew a person hit the ground before and appeared to be unconscious and bleeding. Hit the ground before what? I stood in an empty parking musing at the events that had just occurred An empty park, or parking lot, maybe?  Final Thoughts: While I appreciate a good twist, this one was perhaps a little too surprising, and I’m not sure if it really fit the beginning of the story. The narrator reacted like any other passenger, fearing for his life, considering praying, wondering if any of them would survive. Considering the ending, he shouldn’t have had any of those thoughts, or at least they should have been framed differently. I think this would work better if you thought about a way to make him sound scared because she is acting more erratically than they had agreed. As it is, his reactions don’t seem to match what he knew. I wonder what he stole, and from whom. It might be worth at least hinting at it. He could bend down to the guy who fainted, for example, or put his arm around the blind man to comfort him. You don’t have to spell it out at that point, just give him the opportunity and the readers will fill in the blanks. As it is, he didn’t touch anything or anyone. Likewise, the readers have no idea what he might have taken, and an earlier hint might help. Have him casually notice the Rolex one of the passengers was wearing or think about the businessman carrying a briefcase which might contain something valuable. Whatever you had in mind, the readers don’t know anything about it by the end of the story, which makes the read slightly frustrating. Having said all that, I thought this was a very original story and well worth the effort to tidy it up a little. The two characters were fascinating, and I could imagine this being the beginning of a longer tale where they continue their crime spree. It just needs a bit of work, but fortunately most of the errors are easy to fix.
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