Hi TIMOTIN

Congratulations on your Writing.com account anniversary! I'm sending this review in honor of the occasion.


Positives

I thought you did a really great job with the dynamic between Michi, Hisako, and Hikari. The reader gets a clear sense of the deep relationship that the three of them share, and there's a feeling of a larger world beyond just the events of the story. Nicely done!


Suggestions

From a technical standpoint, there were quite a few typos and grammatical errors that caused the story to read not as smoothly as it could have. I'd recommend a thorough proofread in order to catch small details like the following:

"Too bad, I've taken this brat of an angel of yours away from you thee. Try to get me." It should be either "you" or "thee", but not both. And I would recommend choosing either "brat" or "angel" as the subject, and doing away with "of yours" because "I've taken this brat of an angel of yours" feels a little clunky and overly descriptive. "I've taken this brat away from thee." or I've taken this angel away from thee" is much more streamlined and clear.

"It have a knife a knife on its right hand." At a couple of different points, the words "on" and "in" are transposed.

The bigger picture note I have, though, is to consider the information that you're presenting and the order in which it's presented. In the very first paragraph, you tell the audience that "Hikari is cooking rice with chicken stew" but then there's also a conversation about what Hikari is making right after it. Telling the audience the same information twice slows down the experience of reading the story, and takes a little something away from the reveal of what she's cooking. I'd recommend removing that sentence from the first paragraph so that the audience can discover what Hikari is cooking at the same time that Michi asks about it.

Similarly, details that aren't necessary for the story can slow down the read as well. There's an entire paragraph about Michi going to the cupboard to get the plates and cups, then goes to the silverware drawer and sorts through its contents (which are listed off)... and ultimately that was a lot of words and description for a routine task that most readers already understand, and which really doesn't have any bearing on the rest of the story. Those moments could be shortened in order to keep the pacing active and moving along briskly.


Overall

Overall, I enjoyed the read. The relationship between the characters felt authentic and interesting and, with some extra work on the execution, I think this has the potential to be a really compelling piece. Nice job!


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Respectfully,

Jeff-o'-lantern 🎃
"Rating & Reviewing Philosophy" 



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .