Greetings AmyJo-Moving day's soon here ,  Welcome to Writing.com! I was pleased to read  "Invalid Item"  from your portfolio and it is my pleasure to give your writing a review.

   This review too is being offered as part of the first portfolio raid review of 2023!    

January 7, 2023

  FIRST IMPRESSION
 
The reader of this story is immediately set on the action trail with a man named Drew. At the same time Drew is taking us up a mountain, a mystery is put into play as well. As we get into the scene, we are on a trek up a mountain with a character who has had too much party the night before. Drew also has an immediate glaring flaw: He has been given some thoughtless friends who left him to navigate on his own, the way up a snow covered trail, to the top of a mountain.
 
  THEME
 
Mystery. As the story progresses, the reader is made aware that there is a watcher. The author indicates that the watcher is not friendly. Given the hostile surroundings, Drew's vulnerability is extreme, and the story takes on an ominous tone. The mystery works to develop an immediate tension between a hiker, the frozen natural elements and an unknown viewer.
 
  STRUCTURE
 
The story is told in the third person with an omniscient perspective that allows the reader to view all the elements, within and without, the main character. We are able to see everything from the main character's point of view, as well as the view of the watcher.

 
  MY FAVORITE MOMENT
 
This was my favorite moment:

“Drew was glad he was in fairly decent shape. He had a couple of buddies that would have had trouble with this trek. They would rather spend time on their game systems than do any real moving activity. To each his own. Drew enjoyed playing games as much as anyone, he supposed. But life was definitely more than being glued to a screen.”

Drew's self assessment of his physical capacity to face what is ahead of him on his trek up the mountain is either a genuine, accurate gauge of how well the main character knows himself, or a beautiful set up into the perils of overestimating one's character, strength, fortitude, and mental acumen. Or in other words, "just how much wisdom does this guy actually possess?"

 
 
  SUGGESTIONS
 
I would suggest a few things to try and draw your reader into the story a bit deeper. Lock that reader in. All the novelist critics refer to the method of drawing the reader in as "showing," rather than "telling." Typically I am not one of those kind of critics because a lot of stories don't benefit from that theory. In this case, I think showing a bit of what Drew is experiencing would help energize the story.

Drew is on a trail and we assume he is walking or has been walking. If you make Drew stop. Look behind. Look again forward. Shift his weight. Adjust his sunglasses against the glare. Sniffle. Be dusted with a bit of snow as a sudden frigid wind feathers the fur on the collar of his coat etc. These are minor movements but indicate some work is being required of Drew in an uncomfortable situation. These movements are all familiar to readers and will help them to be more connected to Drew, as his challenges lay out ahead of him.

The second suggestion concerns the watcher. I love this part of the mystery because of all of it's tension building potential. I would suggest holding back a bit on what the watcher's actual intent is and leave it to the reader to see, as the story progresses, what kind of threat he is to Drew, or anyone else, for that matter. The fact that the watcher is watching is pretty good tension. Probably enough for the reader at this point in the story.

Another reason I love the watcher is because everyone, at some point, has been the watcher. For good, evil or indifference, the presence of another human being is an immediate reason to stop and watch for a moment or two. It's when the watching becomes a bit more focused, or lingers a bit too long, or works its way to a full blown obsession that stories, good and bad, are birthed.

  IN SUMMARY
 
"Invalid Item"  takes us on a bit of a walk, to see why Drew's dear friends, have left him to walk all alone to the next place they are to meet. We are invited to journey to a hotel that is both distant in miles and imagination for the main character. Oh, and guess what? We are not quite as alone as Drew might think we are!
 
I hope my thoughts and impressions have been a help. Let me know if you have any questions about my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ 
 




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