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 Review #4591644 |
 | I don't get it!  [E] Daily Flash Fiction Entry 21 Jan 21  |
| (4.5)  Welcome to WdC from the"Newbie Welcome Wagon" Good morning, J. Legacy , and I hope it finds you well.For the record, my real name is Jack Tyler, and I am a retired fantasy, steampunk, and horror writer who tries to review in a wide variety of styles and genres. While I have a few books in print, I am neither a famous author nor a renowned critic. I'm just a guy with an opinion that I'm here to share, and if you disagree with anything I say here, remember that the only opinion that matters is yours. As I said, I'm no authority, but hopefully my comments will give you some ideas to take your writing in directions you hadn't previously considered. Before I pitch in, allow me to offer a suggestion: Put a little of yourself into your bio sections. You will receive much more tailored reviews if your reviewer knows a little about your background and experience level. Let me just drop a warning here, and we'll get started. THIRD-PARTY READERS TAKE NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD PRESENTATION: This aspect deals with the first impression your story makes when a reader clicks on the title. Call it the cosmetics. I'll be looking at abstract items from text density to scene dividers in an effort to ferret out any unfortunate habits that might cause a reader to move on without actually reading anything; before you can dazzle him with your show, you have to get him into the tent!  Everything is in order here, and there will be no deductions in this category, however I will make a couple of observations. First, the paragraphs: You have divided them properly, and the breaks are clear and precise. I prefer indented paragraphs as looking more professional. The way you achieve that in the site's html is to place {indent} at the beginning of each paragraph. Yes, it's a chore, but there's a shortcut key at the top of the creation box that will place it wherever the cursor is each time you click on it... Should you wish.Second, the text. You have used the default format provided, and again there's no penalty for that, however, I only half-jokingly call it "Times New Eyestrain," as at the age of 72, I sometimes have to stack two pairs of reading glasses to make it hold still. There are many ways to tweak the text that you will discover as you spend time here, but an easy fix for the issue I cite is to place {size:3.5} at the beginning of your text. If you add {linespace:1.4}, it will open out into a clean, easy to read font. If you decide you don't like it, just take out the commands, and it will revert to its original appearance. STORY: But those are things that can be fixed with a few mouse clicks. Now we come to the heart of the issue. This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. I will try to explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination. Let's examine the individual parts of the whole and see what works to make it successful. What this is is a collection of vignettes, snapshots of a young man's life as he faces a series of trials of his own making. It reads like a morality fable, a don't-give-up sort of pep-talk for the put-upon. There is nothing inherently wrong with that, and I see that it was written for a flash-fiction contest, so it is certainly what it needs to be. It could easily be expanded into a Sweet Romance, and I would suggest that you keep it on file for that unforeseen day in the future when you need a plot for just that. This would make a good one, methinks. Well done.MECHANICS: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period, and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good, and this is the section that deals with that.  This is well-constructed and easy to follow in all its particulars. I did find one sentence that I think needs to be clarified.You have written ...and I found out that they cut half of the employees due to budget cuts. "They cut half of the employees" reads as past-tense, and if it's already been done, he shouldn't still be there. Suggest, "I found out that they're going to cut half of the employees due to budget cuts." Crystal clear then. CHARACTERS: This section discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will ruin any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care? If this was a traditional full-length story, I would beat you up mercilessly over the lack of character development, but as a piece of flash-fiction, we get what we need, just enough information to visualize a decent guy who reads all this signals just wrong enough to think that his world is falling apart around him. It's perfect for what it is, and I certainly couldn't improve on it. Very subtle, well-done work.SETTINGS: This section deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal, then. So how did you do? Like the character, the settings are suggested rather than described, and if this was anything but flash fiction, I'd be letting you have it. This is subtle, like a Japanese painter who makes a few strokes and implies a detailed landscape. It takes place in my first apartment, in my office, as I wait for the woman I married 45 years ago to call. Elegant in its simplicity, it has earned my full marks for execution.SUMMARY: I hope that I have presented my opinions in a way that is constructive, and that you will find helpful to your endeavors going forward. It is never my intention to belittle anyone's efforts or discourage them from following the dream that I have found so fulfilling for the last six decades. In any case, if I can leave you with one thought to take with you, let it be this: Don't forget to have the fun! So many young and/or beginning writers get so caught up in the daily word count, the quest for publication, and the often conflicting advice of other writers that they forget to enjoy the journey. You may or may not become the next Big Celebrity Author, but you will always have the experience. Make sure it's a good one!** Image ID #2234711 Unavailable **  JackAllow me to offer you an invitation to visit, and perhaps join, a group that is building a brand with a prompt-contest leading to some unique prizes, plus open conversations with a number of experienced writers. All we ask of our members is to partake of what interests them, so there's nothing to lose, and everything to gain. Here's your ticket:
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 01/21/2021 @ 12:33pm EST