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 Review #4576987 |
| Dear Elle  ,A very visual and emotional poem that reminds me of something I might try to tackle as subject in this style. I may have caught on a few years later after what you unveiled here. With "Invalid Item"  , I could feel that rhyme scheme still pulling as I moved through the lengthening lines that had an effect, I imagine as an expanding bubble. So, nice work there. But something I learned from Northern Writes about -ing words was not to overdo it. His nagging reminder for a poem that I -inged the heck out of once made me wonder if this poem could be edited or reinvented as another poem.If I could show (taking a cue from him)... Voices taunt, dance, prance, vacant visages haunt, dark derision lances my bubble. Toxic explosion of gibes and insults, slow-seep my sanity. Wicked, depraved corrosion rots my refuge, staining, nightmares sleep, wait to catch me unawares. Dark sense of foreboding heaves and shudders, clammy, bearing a blackened brand of trouble. At once, gleeful and mournful, their shrieks echo in bleeding ears, goad, a sulphurous malodour that whirls and eddies, stench permeating my haunted bubble. I tried, but I couldn't lengthen that last line enough. But, maybe you see what I'm thinking with this poem of yours. Maybe, tighter is better? Perhaps, maybe words ending in 'ing' in this poem serve a purpose I don't witness. It's just something I thought of when I read this. So many great depictions with adjectives, nouns and verbs that could be left dangling at the end of a line to keep a reader suspended, I also found good for effect. Building suspense and this growing feeling help inform the reader with the impactful words used in your poem. It was a pleasure to read and consider your old Dark Dreamscapes poetry for feedback. Brian  Curious, are there such a thing as poetry editors? Is this what they do??   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 10/16/2020 @ 3:10am EDT