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 Review #4549667 |
 | Bleeding Me  [GC] In a world where humans slave for trees, one is compelled toward an unknown destination.  |
| (4.5)  Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Good morning, C.E.Wilder , and welcome to WdC. For the record, my real name is Jack Tyler, and I am a retired steampunk and horror writer who tries to review in a wide variety of styles and genres. While I have a few books in print, I am neither a famous author nor a renowned critic. I'm just a guy with an opinion that I'm here to share, and if you disagree with anything I say here, remember that the only opinion that matters is yours. I should explain that I use this review template in which I discuss my views on the important areas of quality storytelling, then compare your work to my own beliefs on the matter. As I said, I'm no authority, but hopefully my comments will give you some ideas to take your writing in directions you hadn't previously considered.Before I pitch in, allow me to offer a suggestion: Put just a clue to your writing experience in your bio section. I can see that you're new to WdC, but if you've been writing for decades and have multiple publishing credits, my concern is with insulting your intelligence if I cite something that you may know better than I do. I'll give it my best shot, though, and my apologies in advance if I trod on that particular toe. Let me just drop a warning here, and we'll get started. THIRD-PARTY READERS TAKE NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD PRESENTATION: This aspect deals with the first impression your story makes when a reader clicks on the title. Call it the cosmetics. I'll be looking at abstract items from text density to scene dividers in a effort to ferret out any unfortunate habits that might cause a reader to move on without actually reading anything; before you can dazzle him with your show, you have to get him into the tent!  The piece is short enough to require no scene dividers, it is properly paragraphed (though I prefer indentations; no penalty, as what you've done is correct), and I like your use of italics to set off the scene-setting poem, or perhaps dirge is the right word. I note that you have used WdC's default settings, and while there is certainly no penalty for that, I would like to offer the suggestion that I make to everyone I see using it.The default presentation is small and bland, and in longer pieces, presents an intimidating wall of fine print which I have been told can cost you readers if their vision is compromised and they don't feel they can deal with it. The suggestion I offer is to put the following command line at the front of your story: {font:verdana}{size:3.5}{linespace:1.4}. This will replace the default with a clean, open font that I think you'll find more attractive, but if not, just remove the command line, and it will revert to its original form. STORY: This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. You should note that if you're reading this review, it means you've garnered decent to high marks in this category, or I would have moved on to something more engaging. I will try to explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination, so congratulations; you've done something well already. Now let's examine the individual parts of the whole and see what makes it successful. We'll begin with the story itself, the theme, the flow, the impact, to see what made me stay instead of clicking on to the next one. You plainly warn that this story is Dark in the genre listing, and a story about humans reduced to being breeding vessels for sentient trees is about as dark as it gets. And let's not go into the despair of that ending! This delivers an uncomfortable impact that stays with you after the reading is done, and that's the hallmark of a great story. Probably not the best thing to read right after your dog just died, though!CHARACTERS: This section discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will ruin any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care? Aside from a few set-dressers, you have a single character who is followed from start to finish. The fact that the story is told in first-person by a character whose name we never learn simply enhances the bleakness of the tale. You've made every correct decision as regards this character.SETTINGS: This section deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal, then. So how did you do? Every human's world reduced to hole he labors to dig with his bare hands until he is claimed as fertilizer by a tree. Thus, a setting of holes and a distant forest seems appropriate, unobtrusive, and yet feeds the mood of the piece better than any elaborate description of the comparative quality of each hole and the ground between could have done. You've made wise choices here and throughout, every one feeding the mind-numbing agony of life in this world. Great job!MECHANICS: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period, and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good, and this is the section that deals with that.  A couple of tiny hiccups render this work just slightly less than perfect. First, in pushing the dirt back into his hole - where it belonged. I would remove the hyphen entirely (into his hole where it belonged.), but if you feel that bit of punctuation enhances the story, then it should be an em-dash (—). Most keyboards don't have these specialized characters, but do have shortcuts for them (©, ®, etc.) which can be Googled and input at need.The other issue was with your use of ellipses throughout ... There are a number of uses promoted, and the symbol seems to be in a bit of transition. There were originally spaces between the periods . . . but in this age of wrapping text that often places two on one line and one on another. There is at least a space after them... and some guides specify a space before them as well ... You may want to look these up for yourself should it be a point you wish to pursue perfection on. Not a mechanical issue per se, but I loved this simile: Their pale fingers grasped at the sun as if it could be pulled down into the cradle of their pristine branches and held there until the world burned. This serves as notice to the reader that you can write flowery, poetic prose before you embark on what is really a very depressing read. That isn't meant as criticism; that's obviously what you were going for, and you achieved it beautifully. SUMMARY: Close to perfection, and it pains me to be so nitpicky, but if I'm to be taken seriously as a reviewer, then I must above all else be consistent. This is, the tiny hiccups aside, a brutally excellent tale of a sort of stoically accepted, hopeless existence, and deserves to be read by a wide audience.I hope that I have presented my opinions in a way that is constructive, and that you will find helpful to your endeavors going forward. It is never my intention to belittle anyone's efforts or discourage them from following the dream that I have found so fulfilling for the last six decades. In any case, if I can leave you with one thought to take with you, let it be this: Don't forget to have the fun! So many young and/or beginning writers get so caught up in the daily word count, the quest for publication, and the often conflicting advice of other writers that they forget to enjoy the journey. You may or may not become the next Big Celebrity Author, but you will always have the experience. Make sure it's a good one! Read well, and write better,  JackConsider this your invitation to join in some wide-ranging discussions among writers of every level... or start your own! You'll find the not-so-secret clubhouse at
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 05/19/2020 @ 7:49pm EDT