%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4535647 |
 | Invalid Item  [] |
| (5.0)| Bon jour, Dalimer! I’ve read (and probably wrote) my share of cannibalistic stories, but I like the twist you put on this one. The idea of Teddy being offered this distinguished job by his C.E.O. was pretty wild, especially for how he ‘earned’ it. You did a great job of describing their dinner meeting, but I’m not sure about using all those similes and metaphors. It’s weird I should be saying this since I need to use MORE similes and metaphors myself (if only I could think of good ones!), but I think if you use too MANY it takes away from the story. The spelling and grammar was excellent, and that ending was perfect. I don’t know if you’re a fan of Dean Koontz, but you remind me of him a little with your stories. He has a sort of ‘business-like’ prose, kind of like how Alfonzo sounded in this. OK, Now here is where I rip this story to shreds. I’m kidding! These are all just suggestions, you silly albatross! ‘It was like seeing a god face-to-face.’ (‘coming face to face with a god’--just a suggestion!) ‘he's sounding like a damn fortune cookie’ (I think putting this in italics would be better) If Ted is so timid as you make him out to be in the beginning, I don’t see him slamming his palm on the table. “Reports where you found holes in where things (that) didn't properly add up." ‘Alfonzo then said, “Now eat before your food gets cold.” (don’t need that) Otherwise, BRAVO! Kee ponw ritin gon, congratulations on the Weekly Winner, and have a great day!
|
||||||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
You have not yet responded to this review.