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Review #4488005
Viewing a review of:
 always help  Open in new Window. [18+]
Ryan is getting chased by someone
by Ari Author Icon
Review of always help  Open in new Window.
Review by Angus Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*

Greetings, Ari!
For your first piece on here, this isn't bad. I like the fear you put into this as your character tries to evade her stalker, but you did a little more telling than showing*. And that ending almost seemed a bit humorous; how would you know NOT to wear heels if you were being chased by a stalker? In other words, it's not everyday you get chased by a stalker! See what I mean?
But that's kind of irrelevant. You still made your point.
One major niggle:
'I thought I could felt the warm breath, the back of my neck.' (I think this would be better: 'I thought I could feel the warm breath on the back of my neck.')
My only other suggestion would be to lengthen this, but seeing as this is just your first piece and you wanted to get something in your portfolio, I wouldn't be too concerned about that. You have plenty of time to write other stories!
Kee ponw ritin gon, Ari, and welcome to WdC! If you like to write, then you're going to love it here!
*If you want know more about telling vs. showing, click on this: ""Telling" Vs. "Showing" - Part 1" Open in new Window..
PS-You might want to get your bioblock (biography) set up so we can know a little something about you (hobbies, favorite books/authors, location, etc.), but that's up to you, of course.
PSS-And since you’re new here, perhaps you’d like to check out "Noticing Newbies" Open in new Window. and introduce yourself to the rest of the community if you haven’t already.

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The WDC Angel Army Open in new Window. (ASR)
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#1188309 by iKïyå§ama Author IconMail Icon

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