%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4446746 |
 | The Star Transporters  [ASR] Stars disappear throughout the cosmos due to mysterious agenda.  |
| (4.0)| Hello brom21 this is a review for the science-fiction and fantasy group.I'm sorry it took so long... I'm going to get your review through right now.My Thoughts: I like the idea of this story, and how you approached it, but in all honesty, it seems a bit stiff and scripted, like the author, is forcing it to happen. I see that you wrote: "Apparently Alpha Centauri has just…you see it too!?" I think the line would be better with a break there that says something like"Apparently Alpha Centauri has just…" dr. vales voice stopped suddenly before continuing, "Oh,you see it too!" I feel the story seems a bit flat, there aren't any sensations things in it... it goes along the lines of the show don't tell principle. For example, you wrote: "With that, Vale opened the door to reveal tall men in black attire with “FBI” stitched on their vests. They barged in and put both in handcuffs and hauled them out of the lab building." try saying it this way" within seconds, the door burst open and black-suited FBI agents burst into the room shouting orders. As they moved across the room they put handcuffs on the scientists in the room, then put in there something about the painful way these agents put the cuffs on." My mind didn't come across any technical issues, so there was nothing that my mind had to stop and figure out before continuing, it had good flow, which to me is the mark of a good writer. My Favorite Part: my favorite part was when they discovered the double-agent in their midst. that part really was the part I liked, most. My Suggestions: try reading this piece out loud, if something doesn't sound right to you it won't to your readers either. try using more show don't tell for your story it won't seem so forced. over all though I like this story. LLAP!!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
||||||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You responded to this review 10/20/2018 @ 6:41pm EDT