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 Review #4364298 |
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| (4.0)| Hi the Wordy Jay  ! I am Aqua and the following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your item. Ola Jay and happy 1st WDC Anniversary from myself and "Anniversary Reviews" !  I was searching for something to review from your flash fiction folder but found out that I had reviewed all of them before so I turned to see what kind of short stories you had in your folder and this caught my attention.The title of the story was excellent, it captured the attention of the reader and moreover, there was the interesting brief description which seemed completely in contrast with the title of the story! A dracula's drama and dilemma and that being solved by a unicorn, I am sorry and I am sure that Bob would feel offended, but that's hilarious and made me laugh. It did appeal greatly to the reader, and sounded really cute. I am not a fan of unicorns but this wasn't a bad story at all and I might just like them now. It was strange, the idea of including a unicorn and a vampire in the same story unless of course, the vampire ends up eating the unicorn because that makes perfect sense. I really liked how you showed the small problems and drama of the teenage girls these days in the form of a vampire girl turning of age. I liked the indirect comparison that was very realistic. Girls nowadays want something really big, unique and 'awesome' on their birthdays, mainly to show off in front of their friends instead of appreciating the sentiment and the emotions put into the gift. I always admire the parents' efforts that help in fulfilling their child's desire because if they don't, even if it is a stupid, small wish, they feel guilty about it and think what was the big deal. It really touched me. The flow of your story was great, there was no interruption and the pacing was just about right, there was no rushing or slowing and you took the reader along with you. The vocabulary you had used in your work was good, casual and appealed to the reader, especially the suck word which, once again, made me relate to the young girls nowadays. Your work, mainly because it featured vampires and the vampire girl's birthday, reminded me of The Hotel Transylvania movie. I really liked it and your story! The ending was somewhat incomplete but it was satisfying as the reader smiled in the end, knowing the lengths parents would go to to make their kids happy. Feel free to discard any of the suggestions that you do not agree with. And do not feel discouraged for that is the last thing I want for a talented author like yourself The bold text in blue are lines copied from your work and the bold black text is my suggested version. The rest are my comments, extra points, explanations etc.==>The Countess shook her head as the door above them slammed shut ~ The door slamming is enough to show the reader that vampire child, Natayla, was angry and she shut it. When you mentioned the 'shut,' for some reason, the impact and the power of the action was reduced and its intensify reduced. You should delete or remove the word 'shut' because slammed works quite well on its own. The Countess shook her head as the door above them slammed. ==>Father and daughter have been at each other's throats for weeks. Father and daughter [had] been at each other's throats for weeks. ~ The reason for changing the tense of the sentence or the action 'have' to 'had' was that it suited more appropriately with the tense used in the entire story. The use of 'have' didn't work well given that you chose to write the story in the past tense. A very good story! Enjoyed reading it! Thank you for sharing your work with us! Write On! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/28/2017 @ 6:12pm EDT