I am also reviewing your item because it popped-up on the Random Review generator.

Well, I'm seeing that this is a work in progress, and the story of these two teens is to be continued. Thus, I'm treating this as more of an outline to the story, since we are introduced to the two young ladies, but do not know too much about them, and how their friendship began. This is in the Erotic genre, but it may also be a good idea to place it under the Gay/Lesbian genre, also.


Observations:

"Dru was a 13 year old Girl, he had blonde kinda curly medium length hair, blue eyes and was extremely flat chested. She was probably average hight [height] and skinny and white barley tanned skin."

Too much describing all at once, some of these features could be fleshed-out within the story. Save it for the intimate scene, describing how Dru brushed her curly, blonde hair back as she ... then go on to describe the rest of whichever scene you place it into.

"she was a little taller than Dru and barley [barely] on the chubby side,"

"Dru: 1second let me ask my mom." Write out the number "one." It's less distracting that way. And, place the dialogue within quotations for each of them.

"Layla began to make out with Dru, Dru enjoyed it to [too] much to stop."

There were more distracting parts, such as the orphan line:
"More will be put between later."

This story needs work, as you can see. However, with more attention to the little details plus some good old fashioned editing, it should polish-up nicely.

Until next time--write on!

regards,
WebWitch


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .