Hello TheWalkerInMe!

I'm here to review your short story "One to Australia"  as an official judge for "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" . Thank you for entering!

Approaching this story, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.



Hook — does your opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?


What a great opening. I love the "One to Australia" joke, and you imply danger and potential death from the get go. You provide a wonderful opening hook here. However, on the negative side, you do have a bit of "talking heads" going on where the scene isn't clear until the end of the second person's speech.

Characters — do they feel like real people?


The characters are potentially very interesting, but you rely a little too much on stereotypes and preconceptions and don't offer anything to the reader to fully visualise the characters. We have no idea how old they are, what their interests are, what their specialities are within the business. Oh, we get that they're gangsters, but not what they do for the organisation. Are they hit men, money launderers, accountants, body guards, bank robbers… what? How old is the boss? What does he look like?

I just feel we need a lot more to make the story really come to life and work.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?


I actually love the premise of your story, and it could be really good after some work.

"You're gonna babysit my son. - potentially, this is an awesome moment of revelation which will be very funny. However, it falls flat here for the simple reason that the reader doesn't know WHO his son is. You see, if the boss is eighty, his son may be a sixy year old man. It's unlikely the boss would be twenty with a newborn, but we simply don't know. But, if you make the child his thirteen year old daughter who's having a slumber party, or a two year old boy who has tantrums, then you could provide the reader with a much more colourful potential vision, if you catch my drift. You've missed the opportunity to provide the reader with a concrete vision and so lost the potential of the punchline.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


The pace was initially fast and really good, but at the moment of revelation it became too fast for the reader to really get the full impact. You need to better set the situation at that point, to show the reader exactly what these guys are getting into. For example, the boss could show them a photo of his sixteen year old daughter dressed like a merange at her Quinceañera party with acne and wearing glasses and hint that they've got to do whatever she wants.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quincea%C3%B1era

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?


You have a strong, distinct voice. Your story is clearly communicated. I particularly liked their voices within dialogue. There are a few small issues, but nothing much:

"Now, back to what if-" Boss cut himself off, putting his cigarette in his mouth and taking a long drag. - When you've 'shown' dialogue being cut off using an emdash then you don't have to then also 'tell' the reader by saying 'Boss cut himself off'. A simple, Boss popped a cigarette in his mouth and took a drag, would be fine. (Actually, I think that you've used a hyphen, but an emdash is the standard form for cut dialogue, hold down 'Alt' and press 0151 then release to get — while an ellipsis is the standard for speech that trails off, 'Alt' 0133 to give …)

"Good." A smirk slid onto his face. "That's good, Alejandro." - because the protagonist's name is key to getting the reader invested in your character, don't leave it so late in the story to bring it in. Boss could have said "Alejandro" the very first time he addressed him and it wouldn't have looked like an infodump.

"You'd like to know?" He teased us, kept us waiting, making us want to know what he had planned for us. - here in the tag you're 'telling' the reader what Boss is doing. Just 'show' it instead. It'll make the story more engaging. Also, think of viewpoint. You should aim to only show what Alejandro is thinking rather than interpreting Boss' thoughts.

The boss was never one to hold back. He always got straight to the point. - up until this point, he's always been Boss, used like a proper noun. Now, suddenly, you've switched to using it as a common noun. Be consistent throughout. Personally, I'd prefer to see it used as a common noun througout, but it's your call. But, whatever you decide, be consistent.

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?


You don't really give the reader an idea of where we are, so you have a "talking heads" scenario. It's implied they're in the office of a club because the guard goes off to get drinks, but it's not clear. This could be the boss' house. It could be his office. It could be a warehouse. It could be his nightclub. You not only need to show where we are, but you also need to ground the reader with sensory information, such as what does it smell, feel, taste like.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?


The terrible kid joke is a good theme to work with. Not entirely original, but a good one to use.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.


My feeling is that this is a well told story with a lot of potential, but it will only reach it's potential with a lot more setting and character development and a clearer resolution, ie. some image or implication of what the kid is like.

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

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Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .