Hello SilverRaven!

I'm here to review your short story "Lost!"  as an official judge for "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" . Thank you for entering!

Approaching this story, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.



Hook — does your opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?


The opening hook is good because Aleeya is faced with very clear conflict from the very beginning, questions are raised in the reader's mind, and the setting is clear. We know exactly where we are and why.

Characters — do they feel like real people?


Aleeya is an excellent sympathetic character, as is her mother. However, there's a big issue which prevents the reader from fully engaging with this story and "enjoying" it. You see, neither of them are "proactive".

A well developed story should have a protagonist who does things: makes choices, goes places, does things. In your story, Mom is static. She can't do anything. Aleeya is your main protagonist, but she's also kinda static. She has no choices to make and does nothing. Essentially, she's just an observer. Yes, she gets upset by what happens, and the reader emphasises with her. However, nothing that Aleeya either does or potentially could do changes the outcome of the story. She could be in another country, or on the moon, and the same events would occur with respect to her mother and the medical treatment.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?


Picking up from above, Aleeya doesn't have any choices, doesn't do anything, so it's not really a story. Now, if, for example, Aleeya was faced with a choice of whether to allow her mother to undergo a very tricky operation that she may or may not survive, or if Aleeya's Mom were on a life support system and the doctors asked Aleeya for permission to switch off the system and allow her mom to die… now, that would be a story. Do you get what the difference is? I know it's a difficult concept to grasp, but basically that's why your main character is called a protagonist — they're the proactive one who does stuff, faces conflicts, overcomes them (or dies/fails facing them), and that's what makes a story.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


You have a fast pace, which is good, but you might like to slow it down a bit to allow for emotional impact where big events occur, like Mom's death.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?


Your narrative is clear and easy to understand, but there are a few significant issues that may prevent readers from becoming engaged in your story:

It has been a long 6 weeks, but she won't leave her mother's side until she is released from the hospital and ready to go home. - small numbers should be written out in narrative instead of using numerals. Numerals should only be used for very long numbers, telephone numbers, serial numbers or names, eg. C3P0. - you began the story in past tense but then switched to present tense in this sentence. Be consistent.

She was in the bathroom, getting sick - I believe you mean "being sick" but "vomiting" would be a stronger verb to use

her mother was being moved to Hospice, - a hospice. If it's an actual place called Hospice, then this is fine, but that's unusual. Usually it would be called something else, something more, like Saint Luke Hospice, Mohandas Gandhi Hospice or Lei Feng Hospice rather than simply Hospice.

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?


The hospital setting was clear, but you might have described the room in a bit more detail, especially with respect to any machines attached to Mom. Also, don't forget sensory information, such as the chemical smells of a hospital.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?


Your actual theme of the daughter's emotion over her Mom's death is great. Wonderful premise.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.


The emotion in this story is wonderful, and you have a great opening hook. However, you really need to get the protagonist to do something. It's not much of a story if she just observes what happens to Mom. To be a true protagonist, she must have choices and take action, even if it's reaction.

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

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Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .