%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4311586 |
 | The Date  [18+] Past, present, furture  |
| (4.0)  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Hello ladyverdandi! I'm here to review your poem "The Date" as an official judge for "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" . Thank you for entering! What I liked I loved the flow of emotion in your poem and the "twin bookends" effect of beginning and ending with similar themed stanzas about coming into your life in the beginning and leaving at the end. Some of your lines were very poignant. I particularly liked: "Though just a little less tighter. Though a little less longer." What might need work A few notes to consider: Be careful to make every word in your poem do something, to carry its weight. For example, in the line "Unmarred by the turmoil of your new arrival that first day." the words "new" and "first" do exactly the same thing, both telling the reader that this is the first time you met him. And, you've already established this same fact in the preceding lines, so both words are kinda redundant in this line, if you catch my drift. Showing yourself to me as a flame to a moth. - it's strong, but it's also cliché. try to create fresh and arresting images. Your pride only enhance my excitement of you. - always ensure you use the correct inflection in tenses and remain consistent, ie. here "enhanced" Our time together rolled in to years - "into" is a compound word. I regretted having spout off at times," How about a Vacation this time". - be careful about punctuation. If you're going to use it, then do it according to the standard style guide, ie. …times. "How about a vacation this time?" - a question needs a question mark, and end punctuation comes inside speech marks. Ill see you on our next... - I'll Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem. You have an emotionally strong poem with good flow, but you need to work on strengthening your lines with more powerful words and fresher images. Also, watch out for mistakes and punctuation consistency. Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too! If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.
Good luck with the contest. Best wishes, Bob    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
||||||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You responded to this review 03/28/2017 @ 9:59pm EDT