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 Review #4311582 |
 |  | Joint in the Mary Lou  [E] A poem about a beautiful day  |
| (4.5)  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Hello Peter Simmonds! I'm here to review your poem {item: as an official judge for "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" . Thank you for entering! What I liked I like the scene setting and how you craft the mystical from the mundane with images like "rays that poured [d]own like honey." The flow of the story is smooth, the emotions nicely shown, and the voice strong. What might need work I wasn't entirely sure what "The tree of death" was. Is this simply a deciduous tree that has yet to show any spring buds, or a more sinister symbol within The Plaza? I've heard "slid off the mind like rain from rooftops" before but can't put my finger on where. Beware that it might not be a particularly fresh simile. However, it does work well in the context where you use it.  One to the friend with who this day was shared, - you may have done this intentially for "voice" in your poem, but it should be "with whom this day was shared" if you want it to be grammatically correct. That dared me to capture it in words. - as a style issue, rather than "voice" or "accent", it's generally considered better style to use "who" rather than "that" as the pronoun to refer to a person, ie. it's better to write "Who dared me…" rather than "That dared me…" when speaking about a person you respect. However, it is absolutely permissible to use "That", it just doesn't sound as nice. Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem. This is a good example of contemporary, free verse with a strong voice, though you might like to consider some small style changes, particularly the "roof" simile. Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too! If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.
Good luck with the contest. Best wishes, Bob    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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