Hello Marie A. DiMauro

I hope that this review proves helpful to you. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. My critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will be useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?


It's great that you begin the whole story with action. Also, the first person narrator's age/status/name etc are established really well in the opening paragraphs.

In the first sentence, there's nothing to prevent you naming Rusty. It would make the narrative clearer, imho, if Rusty had a name from the opening sentence.

Characters — are they well rounded?


Excellent. Your protagonist is clearly sympathetic from the opening line, and even Rusty has huge sympathetic points, like his smell and clothes. No issues here.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?


Your plot is full of action and then contains a very strong potential fantasy hook at the end. Awesome. You also start at exactly the right spot, imho.

On the negative side, consider where you want to end the first chapter. As it is, you end with resolution. Tom has decided NOT to follow the voice, and is safe at home and in his mom's arms (don't forget the smell of her perfume/laundry detergent/conditioner/shampoo or whatever he associates with her). However, if you end a few paragraphs before, you'll have a cliffhanger as Tom ponders whether to follow the mysterious voice into adventure and danger, or return home to the safety of his mom's arms. It's usually better to end the first chapter with a question, conflict or cliffhanger where you can.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


You set a good pace throughout. The only issue is that your narrative is a bit verbose and passive (see notes below) which means that you're using 20% more words in the opening chapter than you need to and so slowing the pace for the reader. Tighter narrative gives a subconsious feeling of faster pace for the reader.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?


Your narrative is very clear and you do a great job of showing things, such as emotions, through actions. You don't have lots of unnecessary waste descriptions etc. I'm guessing you've worked on this awhile. It's very lean and easy to read and clear.

However, I suspect you came to me because I'm a bit fussy about narrative and such, so here are my notes for improvements to style, if you want.

Notes:

I saw the other kids looking in our direction. - beware "filtering", especially in first person narration, and be succinct and concrete. Here, for example, "I saw" is filtering. It reminds the reader that someone else, and not them, is having this experience. George Orwell used the metaphor of a clear glass window through which you see the story unfolding. Your narrative must be clear glass, but filtering makes it murky. Consider: A dozen other kids gathered around, gawking. - Do you see that "a dozen" is more concrete than "the other"? It should be obvious where they're looking, so no need to state this. It's also obvious who's seeing them, so you don't need I saw.

However, you can't not filter all the time, and there will be occasions when you need to emphasise that the protagonist is doing that action. Just make sure that when you do use filtering that it's necessary for the story at that point, otherwise don't. It's a matter of balance.

https://writeitsideways.com/are-these-filter-words-weakening-your-fiction/

He kicked me harder this time and pain shot through my abdomen. What? Is he crazy? I thought. - Remember than each word you use must carry its weight, be necessary for the story in some way. Consider: He kicked me harder, and pain shot through my abdomen. Was he crazy? - "this time" is redundant because it's obvious to the reader. The "What?" adds little to the story that "Is he crazy?" doesn't do better. And, "I thought" is also redundant. I don't see any big need to use italics to carry across the fact that the narrative is what the protagonist is thinking and feeling, but if you must then: He kicked me harder, and pain shot through my abdomen. Is he crazy?

Throbbing ripped through my rib-cage and abdomen and he wanted me to get up? I tried to play dead. - to make narrative as interesting as possible to the reader, you need a balance of words. Using the same "rare" word twice in a small paragraph can stand out. So, "abdomen" here isn't a great choice. However, you do need balance, so you wouldn't want a dozen synonyms for stomach used throughout the story. Just try to be sensible. Either the thoughts in italics are separate to the rest of the sentence, so treated like you would speech, or they are part of the same sentence. Don't mix and match because it doesn't work. To keep narrative as active as possible, don't use "tried"/"started"/"began" unless it's really necessary. Consider: Agony ripped through my rib-cage. He wanted me to get up? I played dead.

“I knew it. Once - Nothing wrong here. It just hit me that you're using double spacing at the end of a sentence like we were taught to back in the old days with manual/first generation electric typewriters. That's obsolete now. Single space at the end of a sentence.

I started to rise to my feet. “You smell like pee.” - here's a case where you were RIGHT to use "started", because it's important to show it's only beginning in order to show it's cesation. Great. However, avoid adding "directional components like "to my feet". Consider: I started to rise. - Now, think about this. Is there any difference in meaning at all between your sentence and this sentence? Not really. I mean, where else is he going to rise to? It's just that the second sentence is three words shorter.

My head flew sideways and I felt something warm trickling down from my nose. - Excellent job of showing rather than telling the blood, but I'm going to mention "filtering" this one more time and then switch off. Consider: My head flew sideways, and something warm trickled down from my nose. - see how it's not only tighter narrative, but it gets you more into the protagonist's head. Also note that according to The Elements of Style, it's mandatory to use a comma before the conjunction when two gramatically independent clauses are joined, unless both clauses are very short - if that sort of "style" rubbish floats your boat.

I tasted my own blood as I licked my lips and raised my arm to wipe them. - it's great to use sensory information, but show it, don't tell it. Consider: Blood pooled in my mouth, and I tasted an iron tang. - use some kind of description or simile to show what it tastes like.

Mom was going to kill me for sure - be both succinct and consistent. If you're going to use italics for thoughts, don't have direct thoughts like this out of italics and in past tense. Either do them in italics or don't do them in italics, but don't mix them. Personally, I'd forget the italics and just have them all part of the narrative. Consider: Mom would kill me for sure. or Mom would kill me.

“Rusty you are bad news,” I said. - first, don't use speech tags (beats) when it's obvious who's speaking, eg. here where it's in a paragraph which also contains your thoughts. Second, when a person is addressed in speech, you always set off their name from what is said to them using a comma, ie. "Rusty, you are bad news," or "You're bad news, Rusty," or "You, Rusty, are bad news."

If I didn’t fight the kids would think I’m scared. - keep all narrative which is not either speech or thoughts in your main tense, ie. in past tense for this story, eg. If I didn't fight, the other kids would think me scared/would think I was scared.

I decided it was best to gather the paper bag, sandwich - if he decides something, show it. No need to also tell it by stating it. Consider: I gathered up the paper bag, sandwich… - see, it's obvious he's made a decision, so why state it?

Between the two above statements, you have a flow issue. The second statement doesn't logically follow on from the first in that if the protagonist doesn't want the other kids to think he's scared then he will face up to the bully. You've somehow got to put a transition into this so that it makes sense, eg. If I didn't fight, the other kids would think me scared, but I'd rather that than wind up with a broken nose and bruised ego.

My head landed into Mr. Wond’s stomach - My head thumped/smashed/smacked/crashed/bumped/ran into would all be better than landed, imho.

Rusty looked down, turned, and kicked a stone before walking away. - great showing of his emotions, but "walking away" implies to me that he's not following the instructions about where to walk, if you catch my drift. Consider: Rusty looked down, turned, and kicked a stone before obeying the order.

After all, Rusty is the one who started and participated in the fight. - you swapped tense to present tense in this paragraph. Also, consider: After all, Rusty started the fight, not me.

The trees started swaying back and forth. - Consider: The trees swayed back and forth. - no big change in meaning, but more active and tighter.

I ran through the gate and saw mom - in a sentence like this, you're using Mom as a name, a proper noun, and it should be capitalised. If he'd said, "I saw my mom," then it would be low case because then it's used as a common noun.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?


Although it's not good to have too much setting, a little more would have been nice. For example, are they on tarmac or grass/near swings or on a sportsfield? What's the school like? An old Victorian building or a modern plastic and glass build monstrosity. Stephanie Meyer does a fantastic job of introducing Bella's school in Twilight, so take a glance at that if you've got a copy. The description in The Vampire Diaries is also adequate, and it's brilliant in Divergent, though the rest of the book is not so well written. John Green is fantastic at describing such things, such as in Seeking Alaska, but he uses purple prose (ie. his narrative is often more important than the story) and I don't think you should aim for that unless you wish to be the modern Oscar Wilde.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?


Bullying, neglect and abuse are all awesome themes to work with.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.


I think you've got a really great story idea going on here, but it's rather let down by your narrative and setting. Improve your style a bit and you'll do really well, imho.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .